Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Day Thirty-Six...My Temperature is Rising
Let me start out by saying that I had WAY too much caffeine today. I had Starbuck's regular coffee at the PFC meeting this morning. Did I mention to you that I am Vice President of the PFC? This is truly amazing to me because I am not really a joiner. I like to go to the meetings and volunteer for a specific committee. Somehow last year, I got the urge to say YES when asked to be on the board. I have to say that I am enjoying it!!! I like the women on the board and I really want to help our school raise money. The budget cuts in California are ridiculous. So, I feel that as part of the PFC, we can make a difference for our kids and hopefully maintain programs that will otherwise be cut.
With that being said, I want to send my boys as far away as possible from California (I am sure this feeling will flee). Sometimes my boys don't have each others backs. They will embarrass or rat the other out so they will either not get in trouble or so they can maintain their "cool" factor amongst their pals. This infuriates me. I get involved, which usually amounts to me talking very loudly. I hate when I do that. I hate that they can't grasp the fact that friends come and go and your siblings are with you forever. Would you want to watch somebodies back that threw you under the bus? My constant struggle is: Do I open my mouth or do they learn a lesson the hard way? The mama bear in me wants to protect them form all this stuff. I know I can't, especially at school. Is there a problem with me wanting my boys to love and respect each other? If I were to be honest with myself and you, the majority of the time they are great to each other. Why do I focus on when they are little shits? (pardon my language..it is the perfect adjective for how I am feeling..hope I don't offend anyone!) I think if I stick to decaf I won't feel all this magnified 250%. Menopausal me and caffeine certainly don't mix!!!
Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Have you ever wanted to check out from your life sometimes? I have. When my daddy died, all I wanted to do was sleep. If I wasn't sleeping, I was in bed not wanting to go out into the world. My heart was broken and my head couldn't fathom doing my hustle bustle life. So.... my hubby took over. He drove the kids to school, made their lunches, went to the market and he cooked dinner. Boy was I lucky. The kids were luckier. If truth be told, this was not a conscious decision. If you asked me at the time if I was checking out of life, I would have said no. I was truly depressed. My daddy's passing came out of nowhere. He was with us one second and gone the next. It's been almost 3 years and I still shudder when I think about it. One morning, one of my kids climbed into bed with me. He looked so sad. "What's wrong sweetie?" "I miss Papa", he said as tears were running rapidly down his cheeks. "Me too. You know that he will always be with us in our hearts." "I know..but Mommy, I think I miss you more."
If my heart could have been ripped out, then surely I would be heartless. That conversation woke me up. The next day, I forced myself to be apart of the living. My kids needed me. My hubby needed me. I needed me. That's not to say that I shut down my heart and didn't feel my loss. I had to put it into its proper perspective.
My mantra for today: Love thy kids... Love thy decaf = loving life.
Can you relate?
More will be revealed. Please come back for more.
Signing off until we meet again.
In Love and Peace,