Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-five....How Do You Say Your Name?

Hi. I was sitting in my Weight Watchers meeting this morning ( stayed the same for two weeks...boo hoo) and a fellow weight watcher was talking about how she wants to lose weight, get back into a bikini and find a man. Well, that statement stirred up major conversation amongst my fellow weight watcher gals!!! Some focused on how you need to like who you are on the inside regardless about how you look on the outside. Others talked about how they want to get into the bikini as well and then life would be fine. I just sat and listened which is a rarity for me!!! The woman who prompted all the dialogue went on to say that her husband had died and she had been depressed and ate ate ate. Now that I can relate too. Well in all honesty I can relate to it all. I want to strut my stuff in Hawaii when we go this summer in a brand spanking new colorful swimsuit. No black to make myself appear thinner...color, color, color. Not sure my body and mouth are on the same page, but I am trying. Then out of nowhere, our leader asked a question that made me smile and cry at the same time......HOW DO YOU SAY YOUR NAME????

My immediate response to myself (remember I was quiet as a mouse today) was HUH?!? What does this bullshi*t mean, how do I say my name? Then it struck me. When I am feeling down about myself, I bow my head and advert any eye contact when I say softly, wolffie. Other times when I am feeling a bit better about life I will look you in the eye with a bit more oomph and say Wolffie. When I am feeling fine and confident and I have a strut in my step I look into your eyes head on and say with bold conviction WOLFFIE. This little exercise really was an AHA moment. Why can't I be a bold and confident WOLFFIE all the time? Why do I let the small stuff get in the way of enjoying each day?Why do I let 20 ponds of padding make me feel like a loser and no one cares about my thoughts? Why do I let outside events consume me at times to the point where I don't even want to say my name? And then it clicked........spirituality. Some might find it in a religion. Some might find it in the mountains. Some might find it at the beach. Some might find it in mediation. For me it is a little bit of all of these things. When I take a little time in the day and my mind is still...I look at life in a calm and balanced way. Then it doesn't really matter that my pants are tight. It doesn't matter that my teenagers bicker. It doesn't matter that the checker is taking a long time at the grocery store. It doesn't matter that my tumor marker is up and the thought of my cancer returning doesn't have to rule me. It all seems to fade into the day and it rolls off my back. The best part of all this is that I can look at you and say with pride and love....MY NAME IS WOLFFIE.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So Mother's Day was this past Sunday. Before I get into my story, I want to give you a heads up that I had just done a wonderful 2 day road trip with College Studdette and I was tired and had not done meditation so my angle on life was skewed!!! Okay, so Running Stud came into my roon with fresh cut flowers from our garden and they were in a beautiful vase. I took in a deep breathe and thought this is a wonderful way to start the day focusing on me, me, me!!! We went to brunch which was lovely and when the gifts came, my mother did not have a card for me. She had the gift but no card. SHE ALWAYS GIVES ME A CARD. I went into a poor me pitty pot session (in my head) and my mood soured. We went to a restaurant to meet my in laws and the ambiance was not so great. I became cranky (I needed to eat as I did not have too much at the brunch) and really was quite nasty and acting like a spoiled brat. When the pizza came it was AMAZING and my mood lifted enough to enjoy the chatter and laughter with my family. We got home and I retreated to bed where I began to reflect on how I missed my daddy and I wish I could talk to him on Mother's Day. ( he died 4 years ago). My kids and hubby went off to various outings and I was a bit relieved because I got to wallow alone. When they got home I got beautiful cards and a fab necklace and bracelet. On our road trip College Studette found a book and bought it and hid it in her purse. So sweet!!! In the end, I had a great day. I find sometimes that I put so much emphasis on how I don't get to pick what I want to do on Mother's Day rather than the little things that my family does to make me feel a little more special for the day. So, next year I vow to look at the actions rather than the events. I am so blessed to have four kids who want to shower me in their individual ways. When they look me in the eye and say their name...there is a hyphen and a voice filled with love and admiration when they add WOLFFIES CHILD.

Oh yeah...that's what Mother's Day is all about.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,