Thursday, July 21, 2011

Entry One Hundred Twenty-Six.....Do I Choose Fear or Faith?

Hi. This last week has made me feel so grateful and sad at the same time. I lost an old dear friend to cancer last week. 53 years young and a beautiful woman. She taught me how to be a a business woman at the ripe age of 26. I was 23. She was a role model and friend and I will miss her. I went to another memorial service yesterday for the team mom from Running Studs' Cross Country and Track Teams. A wonderful, caring and upbeat woman who never let her cancer get in the way of supporting her son and all the team. Comendable and awe inspiring. Seeing all the high school kids there to support their friend and pay tribute to their team mom, was both beautiful and sad. Seeing their pain and discomfort made me want to take them all in a big group hug and not let go. Instead I gave them an individual squeeze and I realized later that it was not only for their comfort...I needed it too.

Cancer is a tricky thing. Here I am almost 11 years out...healthy and living a rich full life. I sit there in these services of my contemporaries and I feel so sad and so grateful. Mixed feelings. In the past, I would have to retreat to my bed for a few days to escape the world and live in fear of when will it be my turn. Will the cancer come back for me? I would veg under the guise of catching up on all my Tivo shows..but the reality is that the world seemed too much to exlore. I got caught up in fear and not faith. I got caught up on what could be rather than what is. It was easier and safe to pull the covers over my head, so to speak.

So, this past week, I could have easily retreated to my world of despair. It is comfortable in times of fear....but I chose not to. Instead, I awoke at the early hour of 6:30. Not because I love getting up so early on a summer morning when my kids are sleeping until 11:00. It's the Menopause. It's natures way to let my body have a couple of hours to not ache before I have to start my day. It's my mind starting to race with all I have to do in the day. I really miss sleeping until 11:00. Oh is what it is!!!

Okay...Menopause tangent is over!! Back to fear and faith. I had an epiphany last week at my friends memorial service. She was always out there helping people. She helped so many with her honesty, compassion and her positive energy. In my years as a cancer survivor, I have talked and walked many women through the beginnings of their cancer journeys. One day, I just couldn't do it. I put conditions on when I could help. I always would help a dear friend and if someone was close to a dear friend I would with reluctance, and then I found that I did it less often. I talked myself into the fact that I was wanting to move forward and not wanting to relive my past. True statement.....BUT...I let fear get in the way. I made it about me...not them. I didn't realize this until recently. I am human. I make mistakes. I can be selfish and not know it at the time.

So, in honor of my friends life, in gratitude of my life and in being a women who likes to be of service to others...I am saying F**K the fear...and be apart of life. Help others. Mentor those who are in the grips of fear and show them the way out. Kiss The Hubby with passion daily. Listen to my kids and let them soar. Embrace life. Open my eyes to all that lies in front of me.

Moral of the story: when my feet touch the floor..make my bed..and let the day begin.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. We were in Hawaii this summer and we were going on an excursion from our hotel. It was a snorkel day. I don't love to snorkel, so I was going with the flow and trying to be a trooper. We got to the spot to find out that we had to kayak to the location. I went into panic mode. So as the mature woman that I am...I stomped my feet and said "I am not going". In the end, I went...loved kayaking..and fell in total love with the fishies!!! I chose faith not fear. Yipeeee!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,