Day Twenty-Two..Instant Gratification

Hi.

I am going out on a limb here to admit something about me. I totally blow at math. One of my boys came to be today with a math question. I began to sweat.. I suggested they go in the back of the book to the glossary and find out what they needed. I came off as a "smart" mom, cuz the answer was in there!!!Oh yeah!!!! My kids often come to me for help and I have no clue how to help them. Where was I during math class? Could it be that whenever math came around in elementary school I went to the nurses office because of a "stomach ache"?` From that point on ,I psyched myself out that I was "dumb" in math. This put a damper on my life. I could never balance a checkbook..so I just would wing it and hope that when the statement came in, I was not overdrawn. The bank that my parents used enabled me to not deal with my balance because they always covered the checks with no worry of fines.

Should I speak about my early days of credit card use? My motto was.. buy now..worry later. My husband married me with my debt. I would love to say that it stopped right away with my beautiful premise of buy now.. worry later. It did not!!! I am a work in progress. I do pay heed to buy what we can afford. When I get the "pull " (otherwise know as obsession) to buy something i "want" rather than "need", I don't buy it right away. I think about it and usually the "want " goes away and I do not buy it!!

I miss instant gratification. I miss the feeling I get when I know I shouldn't do something. I miss the high I feel after I hunt something down and purchase it. I often return the item as it is more about the "hunt" than the item! It doesn't have to be about clothes or accessories. Lets talk about food!!! Okay, today I am spilling the beans. I used to be obsessed with M&M's, Hershey's Kisses, Coffee Bean's Ice Blended Sugar free Mocha, and Frozen Yogurt. I would plan my day around eating the stuff. When the Coffee Bean was only in Sherman Oaks and Malibu, I would drag my daughter to either place on the guise of errands.Who was I kidding? Not my five year old daughter? (did I mention that we lived 15 minutes from each of The Bean's locations?) "Mommy why do we always have do do stuff here". How do I answer that? "Well sweetie, your mother is insane if she doesn't get her blended drink" Didn't say that. "Mommy just has things she has do here". She didn't buy it. "You like those drinks, right Mommy"? "Yep". End of story.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When I was pregnant with my twins and my youngest son, I CRAVED frozen yogurt. I HAD TO HAVE IT Every night, sometimes twice a day It didn't matter if it was in the summer or winter. It was a must have. I rationalized that it wasn't fattening like ice-cream. It would have been great if I stopped at just the fro yo ( my pet name). I had to have toppings... almonds and carob chips. Healthy..right? High in calories. To me, it was a healthy comfort food. Needless to say that my thighs, arms, face and butt enjoyed my healthy snack. I put on a lot of weight. At the time it was worth every bite..until the babies popped out and I had no stomach to hide the multitude of sins I had. OMG!!!!!

I still like my fro yo. I like it at the end of the day, in my bed, watching TV. It's my relaxing part of the day. Probably still a comfort food. I have nixed the carob chips and almonds. I don't have to have it every night (I am down to 3-5 nights a week) Call this justification..I honor this part of me. It's great to see me as I am. I laugh at me too..my kids do too. They know that I don't share and sometimes they ask me for a bite just to get a rise out of me!!. I know "sharing is caring"..but I just can't do it with my fro yo Maybe one day, but I doubt it!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Twenty-One...Going Back In Time

Hi.

I can't believe I am taking a break from filling out a bio for my 30 year reunion.!! I should say I am avoiding answering the questions. I have had it in my planner for weeks now. I am really excited to go. I wasn't very involved in high school. I rarely participated in going to the football games and school dances. I was more interested in going to parties and hanging out with an older crowd. I don't really remember school. Did I go to classes? Did I have homework? I remember driving there and leaving. That's it!! So, the questions for the reunion are tricky for me. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? I barely remember being in class or learning anything let alone remembering a name!! What did you do in high school that nobody found out about? Why would I share now?!? What is your favorite high school memory? Well...hmmmmm..leaving school at activity period to go to the Encino Deli to have either a cantaloupe (on diet days) or a heated chocolate chip danish with dripping melted butter. Do you think I could put that on there? Roman Polanski just got arrested after 32 years..maybe I would have to go to detention for skipping out of school? I don't think I'll answer that question. Name something from 1979 that you wish was still around? Can I say perky boobs? Can you feel my dilemma? Kidding aside, I am looking forward to reconnecting with old friends from high school that for whatever reason we lost touch. Thanks to Facebook, I have already begun this process..now it will be great to see them in person, give them a hug, look into their eyes, laugh and catch up.

I had breakfast with my girlfriends today for Meredith's birthday. I love the ease of the friendships I have created with this group of ladies. We talk about our husbands, our kids, dieting, hormones or lack there of, just everything. I walked away from our breakfast feeling blessed for these friendships.

Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. My twins were about 6 weeks old when my daughter had a soccer game. We brought the boys with us. It was a scorcher of a day. My niece was on the same team, so we always had a blast laughing at how our girls would pick their noses, talk to the opposing team and barely kick the ball (they were 5 1/2). The game was over and we were walking back to our cars when all of a sudden a Greek God type male was walking toward us with his Levi jeans on and NO SHIRT. As he was getting into better view, we realized it was someone that we grew up with. We stopped, gave a kiss and a hug. I was a bit flustered when I introduced him to my hubby, "Larry this is my husband Kyle" (names have been changed to protect my embarrassment!!). Lori, poked me and we started to laugh. I had to say a quick good-bye and flee. I introduced the guys wrong. Kyle was the Greek God and Larry my hubby!!!! I don't know if my hubby caught the fauxpas..if he didn't , he does now!!! Now, for the sake of me..I do think my hubby is a handsome devil, I wouldn't trade him in for a Greek God. (love you honey!!!).

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Twenty...Expectaions

Hi.

It's 9:00 pm and I am really tired. It was a long day in temple. I did have a cup of coffee this morning and a diet coke at about 1:00. I still had a headache when it came time to eat my first morsel of food at 6:00 pm. Whenever I go without food I get a headache and I am cranky. EVERYTHING bothers me. Lets start out with my kids in temple. They talked a lot. They were bored. I had no patience. I already have something to atone for next year. Impatience!! Refection is a good thing to do. I really like to be introspective. BUT ALL DAY!! It is hard for me. My attention span lasts for about 1 1/2 hours. I fidget, I look at my watch, roll my eyes a few hundred times. How do I expect my kids to be model congregants if I am not? Answer. I am not obvious. Does it make it right that I am on the sly? Not really. They are talking, moving around in their chairs, bugging their brothers, bugging me. It's annoying and I care how other people perceive them ( this sounds insane as I am writing this because the people that I worry about are people I do not know!). I give them "the look" and I get the "what did I do" look from them. It's so classic. I got the same look in temple from my mom when I was their age. Tradition!!

We left temple and went home for a few hours break. My hubby and I went back to a service to honor those who have died. It was emotional for me. About a month before my dad died, my parents went on a cruise. Just before they were to leave the port, my dad called and left us a message on our machine. I don't remember saving it at the time. After he died, I was listening to our messages and their was his voice on the saved messages! He was so happy and calm. I listen to it now and then when I need to hear his voice. I listened to it this afternoon before we went back to temple. As I listened, I closed my eyes and I could faintly see his face. It felt so comforting. When I closed my eyes in meditation at temple, I could see that faint image of my dad so happy and calm. Tears were streaming down my face...some out of sadness, some out of reflection and some of joy for being so lucky to have had my "daddy".

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. On the way home from temple today, I didn't know whether to give my kids a lecture or just zip my lip. I did something kind of in the middle. I try to teach my children to be respectful. I feel it is important to open your ears and heart and listen. There were messages today about being a good person not only to others, but also to yourself. This is a day to look inside you, honor your soul and see how you can change in the coming year. A lot to ask of young teenagers. I gave them a brief talk on how they could have been a little less talkative, a bit more tolerant of the day..blah blah blah. So afterwards the topic of farts came up.Out of nowhere one of the twins blurted out that his fart did not smell like Old Spice. Huh?!? My youngest son had a brilliant idea to spray Old Spice on one of the twins buttocks to see if his fart would smell like Old Spice. Conclusion? No, it did not help the smell. We were bursting out laughing. I couldn't believe that he came up with the idea and I really couldn't believe that my other son went for it. It felt so good to "just be" in the moment and not get annoyed and "teach" them some mom lesson. Just so you know, my boys were elated that I was going to share this story!! Boys will be boys!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off untill we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Nineteen...Forgiveness

Hi.

Today was a kind of leisurely busy Sunday. I went for a run this morning at 7:30. The weather was cool. It was perfect. My son had a soccer game in Santa Monica. It was cool enough to wear a light weight long sleever. Oh it felt so nice to be out of the Valley heat!

We got home, took showers and are waiting to leave for temple. This is the time of year where we get to reflect on our year, look at our actions (well feel them), and atone. We are supposed to fast from sundown tonight until sundown tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day when I always wake up the hungriest. I grapple with should I fast or should I eat. I always fast..except for a diet coke at around 3:00. I do the best that I can do.

Tonight we are going to dinner Barone's with eight families. It is a tradition we do every year on the eve of Yom Kippur. I love this night. We all sit together at temple. WE listen to the music, read from our Siddur books,we giggle a bit, we look at our watches, we shhhhh the kids. At sundown tomorrow, we break our fast with my family. It's the same meal every year: bagels, tuna salad, egg salad, yummy chocolate bundt cake. This year some of our kids are off at college, working in San Francisco, and abroad in Portugal. It will be different, but nice to all be together.

I miss my dad. The holidays always make me reflect on this loss. I miss my father in law too. As sad as it is, it is nice to take a moment and just miss them. It lets me remember how lucky I am to have had these relationships.

As far as atonement is concerned...I really have to look at how I deal with the small stuff. How my patience could be better. How I take for granted my relationships sometimes and don't work hard enough to make them simple and peaceful. I am blessed to want to change and be a better person. I aint so bad mind you, but I could always dig a little deeper, be more present, serene and grateful.

To those of you honoring this holiday, I wish for you an easy fast. Enjoy the day tomorrow in reflection. I wish for you a peaceful and joyous New Year. To those of you who are having a non religious day, I wish for you the same. Why do we only wish this to our friends and family on the New Year? I wish this for you always. Me too for that matter!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I really try not to be self centered. When I was younger and more into the material aspects of life. In prayer, I would wish for tangible things..a new bike (as a kid), a better job, you get the drift. I never got the stuff I prayed for. Why should I? Aren't those things that I should work for? Why should they be handed to me from my Higher Power? After I got cancer, my wishes became, bless my family with health, let me honor my soul, help me to be sane with my young kids, let me enjoy my hubby. Now, these things were obtainable. I often forgot to stop looking at the outside to make me happy and look inside to how I could be a better human being. Funny, the material things stopped defining me (though I still like them..I don't need them), and the quality of a human being I was started to matter. Why did it take the cancer and the loss of my dad to truly understand and feel this concept? Am I a bad person. No. Am I so self absorbed that I missed it? No. I am human. I guess that why we have holidays and life altering experiences to reel us back in. I am reeled in for sure.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Eighteen..ho hum

Hi.

Today is just another Saturday. I took one of my boys to his cross country meet. We had to leave at 7:45. I slept horrible because I was afraid I wouldn't hear the alarm. I think I have spoken of this before. So far, my alarm has always woken me up. So far, I don't trust it. So I sleep poorly. I finally dozed off and what seemed to be seconds later I heard the soft music of my alarm. It woke up. Amazing? Not. That's what a bleeping alarm is supposed to do. Why don't I trust it? Do I have to control myself even when I sleep? It's takes so much effort, doesn't it? Wolffie, let go!!! Every morning I try to start out with "let go" attitude.. Breathe in, breathe out and be at one with the universe. Just writing this makes me feel calm. BAM!!! Something happens..my kids left their school books on the table. I am tired of picking up after everyone. I'll try the,"I will leave it and see how long it takes for them to move it game". A few days goes by. I am not happy!!! I have to give my boys ( my daughter is away at college or believe you me she would be apart of this!) a dissertation on "why can't you do what I ask"? I see the glaze in their eyes and the blank expressions on their faces. To my kids, I am speaking a universal parent language called "Tune Out": WAW WAW WAW WAW WAW. Do you speak it? Who wants a dissertation about cleaning up? Hmmmm.

A do know a better way of getting my kids to do something. First I have to breathe in, breathe out and ask them KINDLY if they could please put their books away. "No problem mom"! It's that simple. THEN WHY DO I NOT ALWAYS DO THIS?

I want you to know that there are days when I don't nag. There are days when I am "at one" with the world. To backtrack, on those days I slept well the night before, I ate balanced meals, I exercised, and I had quiet time (meditation, reading a book, writing, knitting, needlepoint). My goal must be to "try" and achieve this several times a week..On the days that life gets in the way of my plans, then I will have banked some serenity. What a concept!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I will report to you that most of my day today was really calm until I received a phone call. My kids always seem to "need" me or just gather around me when I am talking on the phone. My girlfriend and I were trying to make plans for our evening. I ventured outside in the 101 degree weather to ask my hubby for suggestions on where we should dine tonight. My boys were using me as "safety mom" so they would not be thrown in the pool. They were screaming in my ear, making penis jokes and poking me. The calmness drained out of me as I said "Leave me alone". Is this justified or should I have walked away? I know the answer. I will have to apologize later for losing my "cool" but explain that their behavior was not "cool". Sometimes it's hard to be the adult!!! Sometimes it's hard to be the kid!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Seventeen...Staying Close To Home

Hi.

Today my sister in law and I drove down to Newport Beach to meet our mom for lunch. We were celebrating her birthday. Before we left, we went on a run with Pamela. We did 4-4/12 miles. It was hot but it felt good to finish. I took a cool shower, primped, got gas and off we went. We hopped on the 101 to the 405. Guess what? TRAFFIC. There is nothing I dislike more in the world than traffic. You can no longer predict when it is a good time to drive in LA. It is frustrating and it makes my entire being tighten up.

My hubby and I used to love going to eat in West Hollywood. We hit all the popular spots. NO MORE. On a Saturday night it can take over an hour to get into town where it used to take 35 minutes. "Where is everybody going?" This must come out of my mouth every time I sit in the parking lot of the freeways. My in laws live in Marina Del Rey. No traffic...35-40 minutes. Traffic..1-1/2 hours. The traffic gives me a headache whether I am driving or am a a passenger. I try to leave us plenty of time, but trying to get us all out on time, well, it never happens.

Now I prefer stay in my bubble. I have a fifteen mile radius. I am content to eat around town..even though the places aren't swanky. I have resolved myself that "an outing" is 15-20 minutes to Malibu or Santa Monica. Sometimes I venture out to the outlets...30 minutes away...against the traffic I might add. I sometimes feel like I am an old fuddy duddy...I know that I am not..I just can't stand traffic.

I called my hubby to check in while driving to Newport. He was late to meet a client because the 101 in Hollywood was closed because of a shooting on the freeway. I wasn't even jarred. I told him to drive safe and be sure that you don't get hit by a stray bullet!! What have I become. Desensitized. Traffic..a shooting on the freeway..welcome to LA!!!!

Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When we were living childless in New York..my hubby got tickets to see Billy Joel. We had passes and the works. I was so excited to see him. I had heard that he put on a great show. We even rented a car. My hubby being a jaded music exec at the time wasn't so thrilled to drive to Shea Stadium in the Bronx. I was gung ho. His mom was in town. It was going to be a great evening. I thought we should have left around 4:00. He thought it better to leave at 5:30ish. Getting out of Manhattan on a Friday? Hmmm. Needless to say we left at 5:30ish, hit traffic all the way there. We missed the first act. I was fuming.If silence could kill...

We finally got there.. There was traffic going into the parking lot. It was at a standstill. I rolled down my window to faintly hear Billy Joel. We were never going to get into the stadium and see Billy.. We turned around. I was sooooooooooooooooo mad. My hubby felt bad. My mother in law probably wanted to crawl around of the car. The tension was thick. We got back to the city and had a nice meal. Twenty years later, I still haven't seen Billy Joel. I do have to deal with traffic.

Moral of this story..give yourself time.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Sixteen...Did I Hear You?

Hi.

I was talking with my daughter about relationships today. I was talking to several friends today about hurt feelings. I picked up my boys from school and one of them insinuated that I liked the other son better because I let him on the computer after school while I didn't let them. Huh? I had to remind him that he asked me to remind him that he does better in school when he is not rushing to get on the computer or FIFA on the Wii. "Oh yeah", was the response!!!

The grown up in me had to tell my son that it hurt my feelings when he said I liked one of my boys over him. I explained that I love all of my kids, do for all of them , and sometimes I have to treat them differently because of their individual needs. I think he got it. I am not one to pit one person over the other. I try to be fair with my kids, my husband, and all my other relationships. Do I fall short sometimes? Of course I do.

Communication is the key. I often get hurt because of my expectations. "I would NEVER treat a friend like that" I would NEVER exclude somebody from something (on purpose at least!). "I would NEVER...blah blah blah. My father taught me along time ago when I was in junior high..oops middle school (out dating myself), in high school, in college, as a young adult, as a married person, as a mom..are you getting my drift? I am still having to learn this lesson my dad told me over and over again, "If you place your expectations on what you would do on someone else, you are bound to be disappointed. You can accept them for who they are,like or love them for who they are, or choose to not have them in your life". Harsh words at the time when I was hurting ..but very, very, true.

It's hard sometimes to open up and be vulnerable. What happens if the person on the other end doesn't feel the same way? What if they get mad? What if they don't want me in their life anymore? I can make myself CRAZY over the "what ifs". Most often, it goes well and if it doesn't then it was meant to be. It was a lesson for me to learn, a relationship for me to change, a chance for me to listen to my heart and soul. So if it is joy or pain, at the end of the day..it is all apart of the process to believe in me, stand up for me, look at my errors, own up to things that I need to, not take on someones crap....communication.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When I am on the computer..I am a zombie. I hear no evil and see no evil. My kids are always teasing me that I become a different person. A few weeks ago, I heard my son calling for me. "Mom. Mom''. It sounded faint. I didn't get up from my desk. I am constantly being called for a mundane reason. "Didn't you hear me yelling for you?" He was holding his shoulder. "Not really." It turns out that he had tripped over something (probably one of their shoes that was left in the middle of the hallway) and his shoulder popped out of the socket. I pushed it back in. Kissed his shoulder profusely. Felt REALLY guilty.

Mantra..I don't have one.

Moral of the story? I don't have one.

Okay maybe I do...Listen, be present and communicate.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Fifteen...When You Gotta Go..You Gotta Go

Hi.



Today was an ordinary day in the life of me!!! I took the boys for our Wednesday Donut Day before school. I met Pamela, my running buddy for a run. We were going to up our run from 3.1 miles to 4 1/2 miles. All was going well until I had to go to the bathroom!!! I tried to talk myself out of stopping, but I couldn't.I am happy to say that we run on the road, not trails. The image of me squatting on a trail is, well, funny and gross!!! I flew into the Corner Bakery, did what I needed to do, and continued my run. I was at the hill portion. I had to walk for part of the way. I did finish the 3.1 miles but could not do the rest. I have a hard time stopping and starting. I was a bit bummed. I have learned not to push when I know I can't go anymore. I have to listen to my body and mind. I ate popcorn for my evening snack last night and I think I can't eat popcorn the night before a run.. Too much fiber!! Do you catch my drift!!!



I came home and went looking for an online writing class. I had to come to accept that this is not a good time for me to be in a class setting. I have to shelp my kids to their various events during the week and on the weekends. Taking an online course will give me structure and I can create my hours. My intentions are always good. I want to do it all. I can't do it all. I end up quiting, which doesn't feel good. I feel like, "There I go again stopping something that I started". Who needs those negative tapes rolling around in their head? Certainly not me. It is counter productive. I just want to expand my horizons. I want to do something that brings me joy and peace (like this blog). I want to fulfill a dream.



It is freeing to allow myself flexibility. It is something I need to constantly work on as a wife, mother, daughter and student. If I allow myself to be flexible than those around me will more than likely follow suit. Why did it take me so long to figure this one out?!?



Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Who likes to be controlled? I don't!!! I know that I control my kids more than I have to.My twins are in the party circuit. A lot of times the invitation states "dressy attire". Some kids come in suits and ties, some come in jeans and a button down shirt, some come in jeans, a t-shirt and jacket. The key here is variety. My kids wanted to do the jean route..I said no. "You must wear a suit and tie. It is respecting the wishes of the parents who are giving the party". "Can we wear tennis shoes with our suits"? "NO".



I am sure you are catching that we were in constant battle every weekend. I finally decided enough Wolffie. As it is my boys have these loud plaid and striped suits. They certainly didn't look conservative. I let them wear tennis shoes with their suits. They looked funky and adorable. They stopped arguing about wearing a tie. One of the boys wore a bow tie!!! If only I was more flexible. Who needs to cause a riff over shoes?!?



Lesson learned.? Oh yeah. I have to pick my battles wisely.



Can you relate?



More will be revealed. Please come back for more.



Signing off until we meet again.



In Love and Peace,



Wolffie

Day Fourteen..Feeling Gratitude

Hi.



Today was mammogram day. It is not my favorite day. I have this underlying fear that permeates my psyche. So, I am armed with a wall when I walk into the office. My name gets called and I have to sign over my life so they aren't liable for anything. Then they ask if I have signed a power of attorney (for a mammogram?). I have to pay money even though they are a insurance provider. Don't get me started about insurance companies!!! STRESSFUL.



After about what seems to be hours of waiting (probably about 15 minutes ), my name get is called. I think there is something in my chart that says "lunatic on the loose" because I am treated with kid gloves. It wasn't always like that until I pitched a fit after one of my visits. Going into that office is scary for anyone. Nobody likes to get a mammogram. After having breast cancer, my range of anxiety heightened dramatically. Pictures were taken and then the waiting begins to see if I am clear so I can see my surgeon . My friend Jill came with me and we waited together. I am eternally grateful that Jill came with me. After a few minutes of talking about nothing, I got to go the surgeon's side of the office..



The new nursing staff has to really brush up on their compassionate skills. After my blood pressure was taken (still have one), I was escorted to a room which I can't go into. It was the room where I found out I had breast cancer. Just don't want to revisit that room. I politely asked if I could be in another room and as she rolled her eyes, I was escorted to another room. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!



To add to the nervousness, my doctor came in and said they found something on the mammogram and needed more pictures. My heart sank to my knees. A knock on the door came. She left the room. She came back. She profusely apologized and said that it wasn't my boobs that needed more pictures (she didn't say boobs!!) . I WANTED TO HUG HER!!! My exam went well. See you in 6 months. I'll take it. I am grateful that all is well. Another year cancer free!!!( 9 years in this November)



We high tailed it out of there. Went for a birthday lunch in Malibu. I was at one with my surroundings. This cancer thing really messes with me. I can go to fear and gratitude in an instant. I don't know how to be any other way.



Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I used to take my kids to a great pediatrician. He was kind and gentle. Sometimes I would have problems getting in to see him. The front desk wasn't always accommodating, so I would have to see another doctor in the practice. I never minded if it was an ear infection or something minor. A few times when I asked to specifically see him they flat out said no. I spoke with the doctor and he was horrified. He said he would talk to the front desk. One day I called when my child had a 104 fever, purple lips and was shivering. It was about 4:45 and the front desk said I couldn't see my doctor, I would have to see someone else. Don't mess around with mama bear! I told her "I am getting in my car, coming down to your office, and if I don't see my doctor then I will take my four kids and go elsewhere". I saw our doctor that day.



Not long after, I called first thing in the morning to say I needed to get my child in because I thought he had an ear infection. She must of asked me at least 4 times, "Are you sure he is sick" Every time I answered yes. She reluctantly gave me a 3:00 appointment. I called another office that my friend went to. They said, "can you come in now"?.. I cancelled my 3:00 appointment. Was at the new office in minutes. He had an ear infection. Call it mother's intuition I love the practice. The kids do too.



Moral of the story: Be compassionate and don't f**k with "THE MAMA".



Can you relate?



More will be revealed. Please come back for more.



Signing off until we meet again.



In Love and Peace,



Wolffie

Day Thirteen..Tipping The Balance Scale

Hi.



I have felt weepy and out of sorts all day. It has been one of those days when a stream of things happened.It stared off with not being able to get to sleep until 3:00 am I was up at 7:15 am!!. My mind wasn't racing, I felt no pressure for toady's activities. I just couldn't sleep.



The writing class that I signed up for in late August never sent me a confirmation. I followed up today and I was never registered for the class. The kind woman on the phone felt terrible and called it human error. How can I argue with that? There was apart of me who wasn't sure I could follow through with the class because my kids weekend game schedules are nuts. As it is when I am 100% available, we need help with taking one of them to their game and or meet. With me out of the mix for two Saturdays in a row was causing me to feel pressure. So, due to human error, I have some relief. The kind woman suggested taking an online writing course instead. The lack of human contact kind of bothers me, so I will have to ponder this one.



I picked up the boys today from school and immediately started in with them. My patience level... NIL! My mantra of BREATHE IN AND BREATHE OUT was not in practice at all. I get so mad at myself when I am like this. My boys don't deserve to be bombarded with my mood the minute they get out of school. Actually they never deserve it. Heavy sigh.



I had a light bulb moment. I ran out of my progesterone. I am out of whack..no balance hormonally for me right now. I watched a segment on the Today show the other day when a woman doctor said that there are other ways for post menopausal women to feel better without taking hormones. She mentioned antidepressants. I tried that route and it didn't work for me. All I wanted to do was sleep. I couldn't lift my head off the pillow. Why is it that everything that can alleviate one symptom causes another system? I find it so frustrating. Do you?



I can't wait to get my progesterone. I can handle my world so much better when I am balanced. I have to be better at ordering my refills before I am empty.



Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I wish I was a zen balanced person 24 seven. I wish that I could be Zen Mama all the time with my kids. I wish that I wasn't always sensitive. I wish that I didn't sweat the small stuff ( sometimes I can sweat the small stuff). I wish..I wish.. I wish. I have to continue to out myself, be honest, and
be willing to work on my defects and totally embrace the good things about me. I need my fix of HORMONES. Until then, I might not be able to see the funny side of my life.


Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,


Wolffie

Day Twelve..I Couldn't Help Myself

Hi,

I went to "visit" my purse at the Chanel Boutique in Neiman Marcus. My cousin was in town for the holidays and somehow we got on the subject of "my visits". He wanted to see my handbag so I happily obliged. I almost had a panic attack. The black Large Caviar was GONE!!! The sales associate came up to me,"Can I help you" (she wasn't the regular). I inquired about the handbag, and she told me the black Caviar was selling like mad. She offered to check in the back to see if there were others. I had to say " No thank-you" while I modeled the white handbag for my cousin. It didn't feel the same. We left Neiman's and went to a more affordable store, H & M!!!

Someone is wearing my bag. I hope they enjoy it. The funny thing is if I could get it..would I? Hmmmmmmmmm. Oh yeah I would . Does this sound shallow? Yeah, but it is just a game I am play with myself. Don't we all play games now and then?

Today I went for a run with Pamela. We ran the course for the 10k we are training for. On race day we have to run it twice. Today we ran it once (3.2 miles). I kept saying to myself, "you are enjoying this hill' over and over again. I really don't like running hills..they make me work too hard!! I played a game with myself so I could get through it. When I finished the run, I felt accomplished. So many times in my life I have stopped doing something because it was hard, especially when it comes to exercise. So pushing through today and playing a mind game worked in the positive.

Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When my daughter was a toddler, I swore I would NEVER take her to McDonald's. We ate only organic and I got her treats that were sweetened with fruit juice and gave her carob instead of chocolate. She didn't know the difference so all was good. One day I was with a friend and she convinced me one time wouldn't hurt to go to McDonald's. I went all out..chicken McNuggets, fries and a milkshake. I couldn't let her eat her meal without tasting it first!! I HAD to see if it was poisonous!! It wasn't. It was good. I probably ate more of her meal than she did. When my boys were toddlers, the twins got McDonald's sooner and the baby was eating fries for his teething. We still ate healthy at home I said to myself. We didn't and don't have fast food very often. My kids are active. Moderation is okay. Is this a game? You bet it is and it works!!

Day Eleven..A Promise is a Promise

Hi.

It's 9:30 pm and I am tired. I promised myself that I would write everyday so here I am. My mind does not work well at night. Do you think it because I stuff so much into the day that all I want to do is collapse and watch TV? I wish I could read at night. The only books that could hold my attention at night was the Twilight Series. I think it because it brought me back to the feelings of innocent love and old fashioned romance, with some suspenseful twists and turns. Life doesn't seem innocent anymore. We are bombarded with images and information through the Internet, texting, our cameras on our cell phones, television and movies. There is never a break. I am constantly checking to see if I have emails..(hint, hint , I am checking to see if anyone commented on my blog entries!!)

My hubby teases me because I love chick flicks. They are romantic. They make me laugh and cry. I know that nine times out of ten when I walk out of the movie I will have laughed and cried and love prevailed. I believe in love. I believe in family. I believe that through tough times and good times that the strength of love will get you through. My friends and family have proved this to me countless times. My girlfriends have laid with me in my bed after my dad died because I couldn't get out and face the world. My husband held me when I was afraid I would not see my kids grow up because of my cancer. I held my daughter in my arms when she was sad about a break up. I wiped the tears from a son's cheek when he was scared after a bad dream. I cried when my son scored the winning goal on his birthday (today). I wept with joy when my other son found his passion for running. My heart melted when my son held a door open for me. I had a full heart when my husband heard me as I casually mentioned in a conversation that I always wanted to see a ballet. He took "his girls" on Valentines Day that year to dinner and a ballet (even though it was men dressed up as women spoofing the ballet..it was a ballet nonetheless!) To me, all of these things were built around love or romance. It can still happen in our crazy, busy lives. We just have to recognize it.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. My fourth child was born twelve years ago tonight. He was two weeks early, but I was soooooooooo ready to pop the baby out of the oven. I had a conversation with my baby as I was rubbing my tummy. "I am ready to hold you and love you. We all can't wait to meet you" . With in 3 hours as I was sitting at the bank, I got this sharp pain in my back. BACK LABOR. I abruptly left the bank, called a friend and had her talk with me until I got home. I called my husband who apparently wasn't ready to have a baby!! He goes into a state of denial when I go into labor.He went on a business lunch date. I don't have to tell you what I said to him as as I hung up the phone!!!! (bleep..bleep..click) My friend's husband took me to the hospital and sat with me until my hubby came with my daughter (the twins were 16 months old and at home). My doctor came in at around 10:00, checked me out and said ,"Your baby will be born by the 11:00 News". At 10:57 pm our son was born. He was so beautiful. I held him in my arms and said, "He looks like our daughter with a penis!!" In the end, my hubby came through with flying colors, as usual. He is a special man who has brought me so much... laughter, wanting to wring his neck, four beautiful children, acceptance, wanting to wring his neck, compassion, a nice life, wanting to wring his neck, comfort..and I am saving the best for last..love and romance. Am I a chick flick or what?!?

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Ten..You Can't Beat Tradition

Hi.

What a difference a day makes. I am feeling so much better than I did yesterday. I think it is because it is a holiday tonight. My family is coming over to celebrate the New Year. You can't beat tradition. No matter what is is and why you do it. I started doing the holidays when my folks moved to the desert. We always do it on the eve of the holiday. I love setting the table, smelling the brisket in the oven (which we must have because my family expects it). I also like giving out the food assignments even though everyone knows what to bring for this holday because it has to be a sweet kugal, carrot souffle, and health veggies. I used to get really stressed out. I wanted it to be perfect. We used to have 30-35 people. I would have my friends over as well as my family. After my died died, I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed to cocoon and be with my immediate family (which is still 16-20 depending on the year). I felt awful about excluding my friends. I don't like to hurt people's feelings.

This is our first holiday without our daughter. Last year she came home, but this year she is having the holiday with our friends who live in Boulder. I miss her and the holiday will be different. My niece left for college today in Oregon. My nephew is abroad in Portugal. My other nephew is back from his travels and hasn't been here in several years. My other niece is coming with her boyfriend.Things change. Kids leave for college and then come back, People die. The next step will be marriage and babies. Traditions don't change. That's what I love about the holidays.

To those of you who celebrate the New Year and to those of you who don't, I wish you all a sweet year with health, happiness and peace.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When we moved back from New York, we took over Thanksgiving. We were so excited. We made the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes (which have become a specialty of my hubby's), homemade cranberry sauce..you know the works. The table was set to perfection. All was good...until...Bobby went to carve the turkey. IT WAS RAW!!! We were so embarrassed. Bobby cut up the turkey and put it into the microwave. My family decided at that moment...no more Thanksgiving for us!! Since then my sister in law has taken over and it is the best meal ever. So, I take the other holidays and all is good. Tradition.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Nine..Moving On

Hi.

Sometimes I just don't want to act like an adult. Have you ever been forced to put things behind you, cry and move on? That's is what I am doing today. It really hurts. I have to let go of a friendship which I thought was going to be forever. I hurt her feelings without realizing it. I tried to talk and explain, but to no avail. She doesn't want me in her life. What is one do to? Beg? I can't. I am willing to own my mistake and work on being a better friend. I can't force her to change her mind and heart. So, I will cherish what we had and move on. There comes a point when I have to accept that things are not always going to stay the same.

A lot is changing now. Within my family too. My kids are growing up. My nieces and nephews are adults. My dad is no longer with us. My mom has a man in her life. My life is changing. Some of it is for the better and some of it is just different. Do I wallow.? I want to but I can't. I have learned to accept what I feel, honor it and try to make sense of the changes. Sometimes the change opens up avenues that I never thought were going to be in my life. So, I am moving on. My stomach aches and my heart hurts. Aches go away and hurt heals. On the other side is gratitude and overflowing love. I am looking forward to the other side!

I have to say that I escaped today. My beautiful friend Heleana gave me succulents to plant in my pots. So I bought some soil and planted. When it comes to plants, the only thing I don't kill is succulents and cactus. The front of my home looks nice and welcoming with my new plants.

I went to Costco yesterday and bought thin felt hangers. I changed out my old ones and decided that all my family needed them too!! So, I bought 7 boxes today and changed out all the closets in the house. It felt good to not think and our closets look neat and tidy!! I have to admit that my kids were still using the toddler hangers. It was about time that I did the change. It couldn't of happened on a better day.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Sometimes I just can't be funny. When my hubby and I lived in New York, it was always hard saying goodbye to my family and friends when we would come home for a visit. I would hug my parents so tight, I did not want to let go. I would cry on the flight back to my New York. It would take me a couple of day to regroup and not feel homesick. When they came to see us in New York, I would do the same thing when they left. Now, all these years later, I have the same thing going on when I leave my daughter at college. I hold her so tight, I don't want to let go. We both cry, I force myself to break away. I cry all the way home. When she comes for a visit, I do the same thing. It takes a few days to regroup. How lucky am I that I have these relationships that make me miss them.? It makes me realize the depth of my love. With tears come enlightenment.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Eight...Whoever Thought?

Hi.

Whoever thought that I would become a runner? Certainly not me! One of my sons took to running after having to do the mile in PE his 6th grade year. He really enjoyed it and had produced fast times (which spurred his competitive nature). In the spring of that year he ran track and field and found his stride in the longer distances. So in the fall of his 7th grade he started doing Cross Country. This made me want to start running. I thought it would be a perfect way for me and him to have some hang time. I started slow. I walked a bit, ran a bit. I got bronchitis and stopped running for a few months. I started running again in the spring. I pulled my groin muscle and kept running because I didn't know it was a big deal I thought it would go away. I took some time off, ran a 5k and really hurt myself. I didn't care because I ran a 5k!!! I did seek medical attention and had to stop running for a bit. It was so hard because I caught the running bug!! Billy and I tried to run together..but truth be told, he walks faster than I run!!! That's when Pamela became my running partner.

We meet 3 times a week ( when my old body is feeling no pain). There are so many elements to our relationship that I treasure. We talk about our daily lives, our kids, our husbands, our concerns, we laugh, I've cried. Sometimes we listen to our i pods and just run next to each other. It is a relationship built on fitness, support, friendship, and respect. Whoever thought that I would form this bond because of running?

We joined a running club and our first run was this past Monday evening. I did okay. We usually run in the morning, so I was way tired from the day. Pamela was out of town for our run this morning. My usual Modis of
Operandi is to bale.It's so nice to go home after school drop off and veg in my bed. I made a promise to myself last night that I would do the same run we did with the running club. I did it. I RAN ALONE!! It felt great. My fastest time for a 3 mile run ever. I had my i pod blaring and I was singing the tunes! It was liberating.

Whoever thought that through Facebook and this blog that i would be able to reconnect with friends from the past. I had lunch with an old school friend Debby M today. It was fabulous. I felt like we picked up where we left off. We both have kids the same age, we both lost a parent at about the same time, and we were able to talk about ourselves freely with honesty and laughter. I am so happy!!! I might add that we both look pretty darn good for women our age!!!! Rock on Debby.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. One night when our family was just three, my hubby and I took our daughter to Red Robin. My friend stormed in like a tornado with her husband and their brood of four. They didn't stay in their seats and we could hear them talking and we were on the other side of the room. I turned to my hubby and said, "I can't believe they can't control their kids!" Did I mention that I rolled my eyes?!? Fast forward to several years later. I was in the local Chevron Station Mini Mart with my brood of four. My boys were toddlers at the time and they were running around the store, taking things off the shelves for me to buy. My daughter was most definitely the ring leader. Did I mention they they were loud and obnoxious? This thought came to me and I kid you not.....I am the Black Family. I can't control my kids. This was before the cell phone mania, so I called her later that day and made an amends for how I judged her years earlier. She laughed her head off. I did too. It's a story of our "family of four kids bond". We tell it all the time and the laughter gets bigger and louder each time we tell it.

Mantra for today.."Do not judge cause one day it might be you on the judging block"!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

On Love and Peace,

Wendy

Day Seven...I Wish I Didn't Have To..But

Hi,

There are so many things on my, "I wish I didn't have to do but" list. I wish I didn't have to go to the market. But if I didn't then we would have an empty frig. That's not ENTIRELY true because my hubby does do most of the shopping. I tend to buy mostly healthy foods which my kids like but complain that our house is "too healthy". They often go to their pals house because they have better snacks..i.e. crap!! Every once in a while I like to give them a zing and buy the crap they like. Gotta keep them guessing!

I wish I didn't have to watch my calorie intake. It's not that I want to binge and eat every crappy thing in sight, it's just that in order for me to keep weight off in my menopausal state, I have to eat practically nothing. While I am eating practically nothing my last 4-5 pounds just sits in "the middle" Don't love my rolls. I honor them, but I don't love them. Men get the belly..we get the rolls. Is this fair?

I went to the oncologist today. I wish I didn't have to see all the pain there. It hurts my soul. It makes me relive the fear. I love my doctor, he is so warm and open with me. I love our connection. I trust him. Life after chemo wasn't always pretty for me.The chemo slammed me into menopause and I was a raving lunatic. One minute I was me and the next minute I would turn into a crazy women. It was hard on me, my family and my friends.

About five years out, a friend told me about Bioidentical Hormone Therapy. After reading extensively about them for breast cancer survivors and consulting with my oncologist, I went on them. Life became bearable again..and I was and am on the road to sanity. I have gotten slack from some of my doctors. My oncologist HEARD me. I wasn't being productive in my life or my families.We came up with a plan, I see him more often, and so far so good. He is happy with my tumor markers. I learned from this that I wanted quality of life. I wanted my kids to know the REAL ME, not the I have no hormones therefore I am the unstable me. Choice in life is a beautiful thing as long as I am responsible and don't do it alone.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I am going to let you in on a time in my life when I had TOO Many hormones.I was actively obsessed with needlepoint. I went to may favorite place, Lani's. I needed some yarn that I was out of, so I piled my daughter, the twins and my pregnant self into the Suburban. I was meeting my sister in law and her kids there as well. Everything was going smoothly. I found a parking spot right in front, which was not always an easy task. I popped the boys out of their pull out car seats as they stayed fast asleep. My daughter was at my side. I was purchasing what I needed to and then the crying came.. First one boy, then the other. It was LOUD! I hurried out of the shop as the women who were taking a class looked at me with knowing and get the hell at of here smiles. I got to my car and loked the hysterical crying boys in the car seat base. As I was doing this, my body temperature rose quickly. I was very flustered because this guy in a big tan Buick was honking his horn non stop at me. He was trying to fit into the driveway to park in the back of the building. My car was blocking the driveway a wee bit.. Any normal human being who had an ounce of sympathy would have waited for me to leave and then tried to get in the driveway. BUT NOOOO. He got out of his car and started yelling at me to be a better parker. I got REALLY MAD. Out of no-where this voice came from inside me and belted out, "WELL EXCUUUUSE ME FOR LIVING!!! My nephew and daughter looked at me with astonishment. My sister in law started to giggle. I started to cry. Then I laughed. We still talk and laugh hysterically about "the incident". So much for having hormones!!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Six....Different Thoughts

Hi.

Sometimes I have days when I really miss people who are no longer in my life. Today is one of those days. All I have wanted to do today was call my dad. He died a little over 2 1/2 years ago. I needed to run something by him. He was my "go to" guy for business and creative stuff. Sometimes I still feel like a little girl who needs the arms of her daddy wrapped around her.

My dad was a great writer. He was funny and poignant at the same time. His humor was on the dirty side..but you could not help but laugh at how he could be dirty and clever without offending his audience. I guess I want him to know that I am finally writing something which I am truly enjoying. There is a great picture on my desk that was taken about a month before he passed away. He looks so happy and content. His smile is so beautiful. I lit a candle today and the reflection from the light makes his face shine bright. It is a wonderful way to remember him. I am going to have to look at it more often when I sit down to write. This will be my way of feeling like he is beside me cheering me on.

I live a crazy fast paced life. Sometimes we eat dinner at 9:00 at night because of the sports schedule. I am often tired, cranky and hungry. I can be easily annoyed with the boys at dinner. Sometimes their manners and behaviors leave me reeling. I have gotten up from the table many a time and stormed to my room. One day, a light bulb went off...I don't have that much time with my boys. My daughter is off at college and I would do anything to have her eating dinner with us. Mostly because I enjoy her company, but also I need her as an ally!! I am the only female in the house..including our dog!! Soon the boys will be in high school and college and I will be longing for those late night dinners when all I wanted to was rip their hair out because of their behavior. So, if I can stop myself before my speaking becomes a loud shrill, I have to take a moment and BREATHE. I try to CALMLY explain to them that their bickering, burping, farting, or eating with their hands will not go over well when they are on a date. They always roll their eyes...but we do end up laughing!!! Now, this is not always how it ends up..but it is the goal. Laughter sure beats yelling.

My motto for my behavior when my kids annoy me (which is almost daily): "Progress not Perfection"

Why listen to Wolffie. Because I get it. I really don't like elevators. My fear is that I will be stuck in one with no air. Just the thought of this makes my skin crawl. I try not to put my phobias on my kids, so I do take elevators. A few years back, we were on a family surfing vacation with our friends in Ventura. We were to meet in the lobby and walk to dinner in town. For some reason my kids left behind me and I was waiting in the lobby with Jon and Kelly (the parents). We could hear our kids in the elevator, but they were not coming down. The elevator got stuck. Why you might be asking? Because all six kids were jumping up and down in it. The elevator stops when it thinks a earthquake is happening. It wasn't an earthquake, it was a super highly charged kids quake!!This was the only elevator working in the hotel so there was a lot of people who were COMPLAINING. The line of people kept getting bigger. My anxiety kept getting bigger and bigger. The firemen who came to rescue our damsels in distress were taking a long time.

I didn't know what to do with myself. So, like any good mother would do, I went shopping in the gift shop with momma Kelly. We both bought a cheesy frame that said Ventura, California. It is ceramic with primary colors of a sun, a surfboard, a bird flying in the 60's style Woody. In it I have a picture of our two families. It is a reminder of a great weekend filled with laughter, neurosis and a lot of fun.

Can you relate?

More will be reaveled. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Five...A Day of Rest

Hi.

Today is Sunday..the day of rest. Sure. Who am I kidding? We had two soccer games today. I went to the early game and my hubby went to the later one. Me and my son left the house at 7:30 am. The game was about an hour away. I woke up for good at five because I was afraid the alarm would not go off. Let me tell you that the alarm always goes off, it's my head that doesn't go off! I tried meself to relax and go back to sleep at 2:00 am, 3:00 am , and 4:00 am... but by five my eyes were wide open and ready to start the day. I am happy for People Magazine. . I read it cover to cover. I love to read Mailbag, StarTracks, Scoop..okay I like the entire magazine. ( i love the pics). I have been reading it for years. I don't like to have my kids or hubby read over my shoulder or beside me. It really bugs me. I like to get lost in it and not think about my day to day stuff. So, that's what I did at 5:00 am until I had to shower and wake up my son.

The game was okay. They tied. I told my son it is better to have a tie than a loss. He was bummed for a bit, but by the time we had our "date" lunch, he was just fine. I don't know if the smog or smokey air ( the fires still have a remnant of smoke) is giving me a headache, but I just don't feel up to par. My friend Adrienne came over and we talked , laughed and looked through store catalogs and discussed what items we had to buy to fill in our wardrobe for fall. I think I am in pretty good shape. There is nothing like hanging with a girlfriend. It just makes me feel at one with the world. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging with my hubby and kids. We have a great time. We talk, we laugh, we bicker. It's just different with a girlfriend. I got to go through my old jackets and sweaters and try them on. She got what I was asking of her. "Yes it's still good" "You don't NEED anything" So, now I am set and ready to focus on something else...for the minute at least. As you may have or not have noticed, we didn't discuss purses!!!! The rest of my day is going to be spent knitting and hanging with my hubby and my youngest son. I am looking forward to chillin.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I don't know if any of you have done this before. I was walking home from work one day when I was living in New York. I had just had a miscarriage and I was feeling really sad and depressed. It was our first attempt at having a child. I was only 6 weeks along, but I had already pictured our lives with this baby. On my way home from work everyday, I walked past the Barney's Co op on 7th Avenue. On that particular day there were these really adorable green suede low boots in the window. This feeling came over me (compulsion!) and I walked straight to the shoe department and did not pass go. I bought those boots. They were REALLY EXPENSIVE. I didn't care. For a split second, I forgot how sad and depressed I was. I tried to wear them many many times and they were the most uncomfortable shoes I had ever owned. I ended up giving them to my sister in law a few years later.

Why is it that I need material things to make me feel better? It never works, but I do it over and over again!! Why can't I just allow myself to feel the pain? Pain always goes away if I deal with it. This is something I am constantly working on. I try today not to buy anything or stuff my mouth with food when I feel the need to check out. I am trying to feel the feelings. I am finding that it is not so bad.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Four....A Typical Weekend Day

Hi.

Today was a mom day. Most of my weekends are dedicated to my kids sports. Two of my boys are on club soccer teams and the other boy is a cross country runner. It's hard to pick which event to go to because they are all over the place. The only thing I can do is let them know that although I am not at their game or meet, I am with them in mind, spirit and soul. I don't feel comfortable until I get a report of the game or the outcome of the race that I have had to miss. It gets me more grounded and comfortable where I am.

I have had to learn not to spread myself too thin. If I try to "do it all" then I am not really present where I am because I am thinking about where I have to go. Does that make sense?!?

The outcome of today is that my kids all did well in their sporting events. One lost, one tied, and one ran his race at a great pace. They were all copacetic at the end of their events. I try to teach them that as long as you tried and did your best then you achieved something, win or lose.. Now I know that sounds zen..but I believe it. Am I a competitive person..oh yes I am. My wish for me and my kids is to have proper perspective of it all. In the 12-14 hours that we are up..that game, race, or run only constitutes a small portion. So to be a poor loser effects the rest of the day. Look at your strengths..examine your weaknesses and move on.

The rest of my day is being spent knitting a blanket that I started before my daughter went to college last year. It was meant for her to be taken for her freshman year in the dorms. Didn't happen!. Now she is a sophomore, living in a house off campus. I am hoping to have it done by the holidays. (so you now know sweetie one of your possible gifts!) The key word is HOPING.This is one of the lessons I spoke about earlier: not to spread myself too thin. To make expectations that I know I can't achieve just brings me down. Now that the pressure is off, I am enjoying the process.

I just want to be a good mom. There are days when I fall short. There are days when I rock it to the next planet. I guess the key is that I try. There are many days when I want to pull the covers over my head and just hide. Life can be overwhelming as a wife and mom of four. It was overwhelming when I was a mom of one!! Then there are the days when I feel invincible. One day at a time seems to work best for me. When I look at all I have to do for the next day, the next week, the next 20 years...I get CRAZY!!!! So, I try to breathe in and breathe out and carry on.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I used to always pride myself on writing things down, especially events for the kids. When my daughter was an only child, I never missed a beat. When the twins came, our life got a bit BUSY. When the twins were 8 months, I became pregnant with number four! The slips started coming....very frequently.

We were living in a rental house while our house was being built. My daughter was invited to a party. I wrote it down in my calendar like any organized mom would do. This weekend rolled around and my daughter told me that it was her friends party. I looked at the calendar and said, "No honey it is next month." She kept at me and I kept saying the same thing. Now she was all of six years old at the time and who do you think was right? SHE WAS!!! February and March that year had the same date on Saturday!! Go figure. I was devastated that I goofed. My daughter was devastated she missed the party. I had to call the mom and admit that I screwed up. THAT WAS AWFUL? The mom was somewhat glib..I knew she was thinking that I was an unorganized mom.

I learned from that experience to listen better to my kids..they are not as mumble jumbled in their heads as I. When another mom calls me with that, "I goofed up" voice about a sleepover,a play date or party missed, I speak with an understanding "I have screwed up too" voice. I don't hold it against her. How can I? Who knows when it will be me again?!?

My mantra for the day: To be a "perfect mom" is to be an imperfect mom.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Three. It's a Pinkalicious Day

Hi.

Today is a day filled with many emotions. When I woke up this morning, I had a heavy heart remembering that eight years ago, the Twin Towers fell. Our country changed forever that day. I always say a little prayer for those who lost their lives and also for the families who lost somebody dear to them.

Then I reflect on what that very day meant to me and my family. It was the last day of a long journey back to what I thought was to be business as usual. It was my last round of chemo. I was so conflicted, should I go or should I stay home. As much as I was scared to leave the comfort of the San Fernando Valley, I went to Santa Monica for my treatment. Who knew if Los Angeles would be hit.?

I sat there that day, crying for those who perished and crying for me because of relief that my treatments were over. Guilt. Elation. I felt nauseous from emotion, not medication.

Here I sit, eight years later writing a blog!!!!! My mom called me today to honor this milestone. My daughter called me to chat and also posted a message on Face Book: "another year cancer free for you, mommy! i am lucky to have you here and safe and appreciate you more every single day. i love you to the rainbows and back
xoxoxo <3"

Then my husband took me to Neiman Marcus for a fancy lunch and bought me pink converse tennies!!!

How lucky am I? How often do I take these relationships for granted? Why does it take a monumental milestone to make me realize the gifts I have? Hmmmmmmmmmm. It's not that on other days I am not grateful for my life. I am. Sometimes I guess I need a nudge to open my eyes a little wider. Today was a nudge.

On a happy note, I always buy myself something pink to celebrate this day...my life. This year it was a pink thong from lululemon!!! (as a sidebar, if you are an exerciser..the undies are made from a quick dry material so the sweat doesn't linger..so no bacteria and smell free!!!!).

I am now going to hang with my boys, try to be patient, and not get involved in their bickering which is happening right now as I write!!

Today's Mantra: "For today, I will zip my lips"!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. One of the most defining movies for me was When Harry Met Sally. Do you remember the restaurant seen when Sally orders her meal and makes all the substitutions!!! That one scene gave me FREEDOM. My friends and family always tease me because I don't think I have ever ordered anything off a menu without a change!! When I was pregnant with my daughter we were at this chic restaurant in New York (we were living there at the time). All I wanted was a side of asparagus. It was my craving for that week. They had it on the menu, but the chef wouldn't give it to me as a side dish. Can you believe that? All i can say is you should never mess with a pregnant woman and her cravings!! Who won that night? Meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!Fast forward to 19 years later. I still order what I crave. Why should today be anything different? Sooooo, thanks to the fabulous customer service at Neiman Marcus, the chef and I both won!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Two. Fab and Flab

Day Two. Fab and Flab.


Hi. I want to thank-you all for your comments and good wishes. To say that I was elated is and understatement. It's amazing how we all feel the same, or close to the same. The funny thing is, I have always strived to be a bit different on the outside: whether it being my ever changing hair colors and styles, or the way I funk up an outfit. It kinda screams, "I am my own person". On the inside, where my soul lies, I want to relate to you. I want you to know me and know that I feel like you, laugh like you and that we are on the same page.

Let me tell you about my day. I hosted a Cabi home party. My lovely Cabi representative came by last night to to set up several collections of clothing for fall. I promised myself that I would only buy a couple of things. So when I was by myself, I tried on some things . An array of emotions came crashing into my psyche. "Why are you wearing that size"? "What's with the flab"? "Ohhhh, this hides a multitude of sins"!

This morning my lovely Cabi rep and I started playing around. I tried on some stuff for her and she said..."YOU LOOK FABULOUS"! In an instant everything changed. So, what's wrong with getting a few key pieces?!? My girlfriends started coming in and trying clothes on. THEY ALL LOOK SOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD. They tried on stuff that I hadn't even considered. The possibilities of my purchases got big. Why do my friends have to be so cute!?!

So in the end, I had 14 items on my wish list. (I know at this very moment my hubby is having a panic attack....I did not buy all of it sweetie..just a few key pieces that will charm you when we go out for our lavish evenings at the movies, Maria's Italian Kitchen or sushi night.)

Why is it that my inner dialogue has to be so mean until I get a compliment from a friend or my lovely Cabi rep? Why is it that I need approval so much? This is a constant struggle for me. It takes so much inner work, but I am getting better. So maybe I should start a mantra for myself..."I'm Fab even with my Menopausal Flab".

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. As you know I have four kids. Having my twins and another child 16 months later really put a number on my bladder. I really have to be careful when I drink a lot of liquids. A few years ago, I was at a 4oth birthday party. We met at a baseball field. I was up at bat and had a great hit. I ran to first , then to second, then to third, and then I was coming on home.!! My girlfriends were hooping and hollering..I was almost at home base when I screamed with glee and a bit of embarrassment, " I just peed in my pants!!!!!!!!!" That was an understatement. I peed the ocean in my pants! I was soaking wet. I had to go home, change my clothes and go back to the party. In some ways it was freeing to let them in on my peeing secret.

Does it change the way they think about me? I don't think so. It just gives me creditability that I am a woman who pees in her pants!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One. Getting Started

Hi there,



Today is the first day of the rest of my blogging life. I have wanted to write daily for years but never indulged in my passion. So, blogging is the way for me to do this. I hope you will indulge me by reading my blog, comment please as I need to find my voice, so I can write that novel I have wanted to do for years!!!



Let me introduce myself. My name is Wolffie. I am forty-eight years old, a wife of 21 years, a mom of four (18, 13, 13, 12), a sober women for 27 1/2 years, a breast cancer survivor since November of 2000, surviving ( or trying to!) menopause, a runner, okay i am going to say this... a writer, and I think that is it!! Isn't that enough?!?

Sometimes I feel alone with my thoughts It's hard to talk about how you want to kill (not literally!) your hormonal teen, admitting to having dialogue with your scale because the number never changes in the direction you want, afraid that the back pain you have had for weeks is really cancer (which keeps you up and night and therefore are cranky because of sleep deprivation), wondering if your college kid is partaking in the "Thursday Partayyy Night" ( the universal reason to have fun on Thursdays at colleges campuses all over the country), and oh there is so much more!!!

So, what does this offer you? A chance to know that you are not alone. A chance to see how I have fumbled through life sometimes not so great and sometimes with grace and humor. I have all these life experiences that I want to share and no matter what you are going through..you can get through it. None of us are alone.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I have a huge passion for purses. I go to Neiman Marcus about once or twice month and "visit" the black large Caviar Tote that i drool over and can't afford. My adrenaline rushes every time i walk into the Chanel Boutique there. I know i can't buy the purse and so does the sales clerk because I told her I am just in for my "visit". At first I felt like a fool doing this. Then I realized, why in the heck not?!? Who is it hurting? For one minute or two, I own that damn bag. Then I leave satisfied that my marriage is still in tact because I didn't charge something I totally can't afford.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Call this a teaser. Please come back for more.


Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie