Sunday, September 27, 2009

Day Nineteen...Forgiveness


Today was a kind of leisurely busy Sunday. I went for a run this morning at 7:30. The weather was cool. It was perfect. My son had a soccer game in Santa Monica. It was cool enough to wear a light weight long sleever. Oh it felt so nice to be out of the Valley heat!

We got home, took showers and are waiting to leave for temple. This is the time of year where we get to reflect on our year, look at our actions (well feel them), and atone. We are supposed to fast from sundown tonight until sundown tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day when I always wake up the hungriest. I grapple with should I fast or should I eat. I always fast..except for a diet coke at around 3:00. I do the best that I can do.

Tonight we are going to dinner Barone's with eight families. It is a tradition we do every year on the eve of Yom Kippur. I love this night. We all sit together at temple. WE listen to the music, read from our Siddur books,we giggle a bit, we look at our watches, we shhhhh the kids. At sundown tomorrow, we break our fast with my family. It's the same meal every year: bagels, tuna salad, egg salad, yummy chocolate bundt cake. This year some of our kids are off at college, working in San Francisco, and abroad in Portugal. It will be different, but nice to all be together.

I miss my dad. The holidays always make me reflect on this loss. I miss my father in law too. As sad as it is, it is nice to take a moment and just miss them. It lets me remember how lucky I am to have had these relationships.

As far as atonement is concerned...I really have to look at how I deal with the small stuff. How my patience could be better. How I take for granted my relationships sometimes and don't work hard enough to make them simple and peaceful. I am blessed to want to change and be a better person. I aint so bad mind you, but I could always dig a little deeper, be more present, serene and grateful.

To those of you honoring this holiday, I wish for you an easy fast. Enjoy the day tomorrow in reflection. I wish for you a peaceful and joyous New Year. To those of you who are having a non religious day, I wish for you the same. Why do we only wish this to our friends and family on the New Year? I wish this for you always. Me too for that matter!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I really try not to be self centered. When I was younger and more into the material aspects of life. In prayer, I would wish for tangible things..a new bike (as a kid), a better job, you get the drift. I never got the stuff I prayed for. Why should I? Aren't those things that I should work for? Why should they be handed to me from my Higher Power? After I got cancer, my wishes became, bless my family with health, let me honor my soul, help me to be sane with my young kids, let me enjoy my hubby. Now, these things were obtainable. I often forgot to stop looking at the outside to make me happy and look inside to how I could be a better human being. Funny, the material things stopped defining me (though I still like them..I don't need them), and the quality of a human being I was started to matter. Why did it take the cancer and the loss of my dad to truly understand and feel this concept? Am I a bad person. No. Am I so self absorbed that I missed it? No. I am human. I guess that why we have holidays and life altering experiences to reel us back in. I am reeled in for sure.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In love and Peace,


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