Day One Hundred and Thirty-One....Sometimes it's You

So it's the holiday time and so much goes on with family dynamics. I remember as a child that my grandma used to always bring hard as a rock fruit cake to my Aunt and Uncle's for Christmas. My Aunt and Uncle did not like hard as rock fruit cake...but could they really tell my grandma that? Then there was always someone who drank too much and told stories that would totally embarrass someone. Inevitably, someone would receive a gift that was unwanted. My family was and is very colorful and when I was young, I couldn't wait to see who would say or do something that was not totally appropriate. It always happened.....and I always got to giggle and when I became a teenager. I got to roll my eyes with either embarrassment or disdain. What family doesn't have a little drama at the holidays?!?

So, this year that person was......ME!!! We were invited to our friends annual holiday open house. We always look forward to it. Great friends...a lot of laughter...and totally to die for fab food. The Hubby and Running Stud were going for a bike ride this Christmas morning and they had their route all planned out....a nice two hour bike ride. They were getting a late start and The Big Kahuna (me) told them "gotta shorten your ride...we have to be dressed and out by 11:15 to get there by 12:00" The Hubby's reply..."I think the party starts at 1:00" "No..it's 12:00...don't be late." So my ever so compliant Hubby did as was suggested (told) by me, The Big Kahuna, and made it back, showered and was ready to go by 11:25.

We got to the party house promptly at 12:00 and there were no cars there.. I was proud that we were on time and the first ones there!!!! We rang the buzzer to get in and we were greeted by the party hostess....."You guys are a bit early..we are exchanging gifts...I hope it won't make you feel uncomfortable"......I WANTED TO DIE!!! My kids all rolled their eyes and whispered.."good one mom" (couldn't really blame them). I said we could come back and she insisted we stay. The ever so fab food wasn't out yet, the host explained (didn't think he needed to apologize!) . I sat in the back of the room and watched them exchanging their gifts with the great grandparents, grandparents and kids...it was sweet to see and I felt a bit more close to my already close friends. We ended up hanging and spending quality time which we would not have had if we were on time. We had exclusive rights to the party host and hostess. We got to eat the ever so fab food with no one else cutting in line and not judging us for pigging out...so sometimes it's worth it to be the faux-pah!!! Oh, I didn't mention that The Hubby never told me..."I told you so" ( I so would have said that)!!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I wish that I could say that I have never been the faux-pah before...but that would be a big fat lie. I wish I could blame my being the faux-pah because of my menopausal brain....but that would be a lie. Lets go back 23 years. The Hubby and I were engaged and we were on the wedding circuit. We had a wedding to go to of a high school buddy of mine. It was July and the wedding was in the San Fernando Valley. It was blistering hot and my Fiance wasn't too keen on getting dressed up in a suit and tie. We got to the wedding and we walked in, signed the guest book and I dropped our gift at the present table.We were milling around the room waiting for the ceremony to start. Where were my friends?!? I looked around the room and didn't recognize anybody. I got this sinking feeling that I was at the wrongwedding. I asked someone and I was correct in my assumption. I WANTED TO DIE!!! We fled the scene, got into the air conditioned car...and I remembered....."Oh Shit, I left the gift"!!! My ever so calm Fiance replied, "I'll wait while you get it". REALLY?!? I went in, hijacked the gift and ran out of there as fast as I could in my high heels...It was a sight that would have gotten mega hits on you tube!!!!! Can you imagine the bride and groom reading the guestbook thinking.."Who is Wolffie and Fiance"?!?!?! My buddy's wedding was actually the next week...and it was beautiful...and a much better crowd...maybe because I knew the bride, groom and the guests!!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Thirty.....Tis the Season to be?

Hi. Tis the season to be....?

I often wonder why it is that with the spirit of giving, people are CRAZY and MEAN!! I find that the stress of making the holidays perfect for loved ones...people forget that strangers are trying to do the same thing. So, please don't cut me off on the freeway. Please don't cut in line at the market. Please don't scowl while I am doing a bank deposit that might take a bit longer. Please don't take the shirt I was about to buy for my son who REALLY wanted it (I found something else). Please don't take my parking spot at the mall that I had been waiting for FOREVER (and I might add that my blinker was on). I guess what I am trying to say is, get your head our of your ass and CHILL.

I used to be one of those "I have to get things done, buy the best gifts, make my house oh so perfect" holiday peeps. Then a few years ago, I had to take a step back and realize I was miserable and I was bringing my loved ones down the misery road with me!!! Heavy sigh. I cut down on the amount of gifts I bought my kids. Who am I in competition with? Do my kids think I love them any less if I don't shower them with crap they don't need? I saw them open their gifts with no realization as to what they were getting because they were on to the next gift. So three instead of eight or nine really made them aware of what they were getting and I really picked things that I knew they would like.

This year will be a year of 3 gift year again, yummy food, and feeling blessed that my kids are around. They still want to hang with me and the hubby which for me is the best gift of all.! They don't have the look in their eyes or the attitude of: "Why am I here with my folks when I could be anywhere but here"? I'll take this gift every year...unwrapped!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. My birthday is on Christmas Eve. It is not the best day to be born if you want the focus on you, you, you!!! As a kid, my folks gave me 1/2 birthday parties in June so my pals could come to my parties. It was great. As a grown-up, my birthday has been coined "Wendy-Eve" (cute,,,huh!!!). I do like the attention..I do like the gifts...but now I really enjoy spending time with my kids and hubby. I used to want a big fuss made for me, over me and about me..and I was always let down. No one could ever meet my expectations!!!! Hell, I could never meet my over indulgent expectations!!! So, now I don't have any... well one....to be with my family. I don't care what we do.....I just want us to be together.....with no yelling and bickering....just love and good cheer (is this an expectation?!?)

Age has taught me not to look beyond what is in front of me. To expect things will only lead to disappointment. I try to look what's smack dab in front of me and enjoy.

Tis the season to........enjoy life, laugh often and be grateful for all the blessing I have.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Twenty-Nine...It Still Stings

Hi. Today is November 27, 2011. It seemingly feels like it's going to be a beautiful day in Southern California. It is the end of a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. We had family come from high and low. We had fabulous food, laughter and even Black Friday was a success. On the 23rd was my 11th anniversary of my breast cancer. This is all so wonderful and yet my heart is sad today because my daddy is not here and it is his birthday.

I can't believe that this December will mark the 5th year of my dad's passing. The sting is still with me. When I think of the accident, my heart still stops and I can't catch my breath. It's not something I talk about because....shit... it's been 5 years. Shouldn't I be over the shock by now? Shouldn't I be able to have a day go by and not think of how I would like to tell my daddy about my day? Shouldn't I be able to not always look for butterflies to see if my daddy still hovers over me and my brood? Shouldn't I be able to just move on? Who set up the Shouldn't list anyways?!?

I don't want to give you the impression that I live my life in constant gloom. doom and grief. I do not. I have so much joy and laughter sprinkled with a bit of craziness due to teenage testosterone, being a PFC President (which my dad would be laughing at cause I am not usually the Big Kahuna!) and the constant events that come at you because you are living your life. I do see the world with rose colored glasses most days....BUT losing my dad so suddenly has really changed me. I wasn't ready. None of my family was. I had a lot more life to share with him. We were in a groove. I was a daughter, a friend and confidant. I loved where we were. I miss where were going.

In honor of you, I write this with sadness and love. I write this with the hope that my kids will one day see me as their friend. It takes time and cultivation. I look forward to it. I welcome it. So for now, I will try to be the best mom I can be. I know that I have my work cut out for me because kids have to live their lives and that comes with the need and desire to f*ck with their parents. I know that my kids are smart and they think I don't know ANYTHING about ANYTHING!!!! I have to learn not to explode, smile and shut my pretty mouth and keep silent because boy did I think my shit didn't stink and my parents shit did. I thought that they knew NOTHING about the angst of my teenage and early 20's. How could they?!? They were so OLD. I don't know how it happened and why it happened, but one day I looked at my dad and I saw his wisdom. I understood his sense of humor. I accepted him...flaws included. We understood each other. It took time, work, forgiveness, love, humor and honesty. We got there and I miss it.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I was 20 years old and I was not in a great way. I had just took a leave of absence from college (okay I quit), was living at home and feeling like my life was OVER. I didn't know what I wanted to pursue for a career path, I didn't have a boyfriend (he dumped me), and my friends were all over the country going to college, getting married and living what seemed like a happy go lucky life. I felt so alone. My dad was having a work crisis as well. He was at a crossroads. We spent many an hour talking about the choices we had. Me just starting out in the adult world and him wanting to wind down. "If you could be anything in the world...what you you be?" I chose a writer and he chose a philosopher living in a shack at the beach. We both encouraged each other to go for it. He didn't and neither did I. Fear for me and obligations for him. That day was a life changer for me. I took him off the pedestal that I placed him on and he sat right next to me until the day he died.

Moral of the story: We are only as human as we allow ourselves and others to be.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. please come back for more.

in Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Twenty-eight...A Day In The Life Of A Frantic Fashionista

Hi. I have wanted to write about my experience at the Target Missoni Launch. I needed to decompress first though because it was a once in a lifetime experience. I wish I could say it was a fantastic experience. It was not. It was intense, funny, disappointing and poignant. Are all these emotions possible in a 30 minute period? I am telling you...yes, yes, yes!!

I get a text from my pal at 9:25 am the day before the big Missoni Day.. She is a fellow Fashionista. She asked me if I wanted to join her at the Target Missoni Launch at 8:00 the following morning. Hmmmmmm. Sh*t yes I do!! We text back and forth about which Target to go to since there are a million near us in a 15 minute vicinity. I will admit to you my blogging pals that I couldn't sleep all night because I went on-line and saw the Look Book and was salivating over all the clothes, home accessories, shoes...and the list went on and on. I couldn't wait. I awoke extra early (after barely having any shut eye) and got dressed in a proper" I am going to be a Fashionista getting some cute clothes look"....comfy yet chic.

I arrived at 8:01 to find the doors opened and women rushing in with there shopping carts going at full speed to enter Target. I started to run and then when I reached the door to find a gridlock...I panicked. There will be NOTHING for me to buy....and I was right. It was 8:03. These fellow Fashionista's were grabbing everything in sight. They were stealing things from other carts. They had a "I am going to fu*k you to get what I want look in their eyes". I was scared!! I became calm and called my friend on her cell to tell her...I am outta here....and then the I saw her.... she had picked stuff out for me!! Now that is a nice Fashionista!!!

The staff started bringing out boxes from the back and the Fashionista vultures were diving their heads and hands in the boxes to get anything. They stopped caring about what they wanted...THEY HAD TO GET IT ALL. I retreated and waited. My friend calmly got things and piled them into our cart. We eventually found a quiet spot (way hard to do) and started to try on our finds. Cute..but do I need it all? Nope. I got a few things and we left. We decided to go to another Target to see if we could get more!! I found a super cute floral jacket..in the kids section...it fit..so no what matter what..it was mine. Bought that, took 2 pieces back. And then I realized that my "Fashionista cute I am going to get some cute clothes comfy yet chic outfit" was missing it's long sleeveless vest!!! I went back to the original Target. Not there!! Someone took my vest!! I was stunned. How could a fellow Fashionista do that?!? I ended going to a third Target to return everything but the jacket and two candles (one for a birthday gift). What a morning!!! Namaste!!!

Moral of the story: If you have to be a frantic Fashionista..it just aint worth it.

Why listen to Wolffiie? Because I get it. After leaving my Missoni crazed morning, I had to go to my oncologist to get my blood work done. I had received a call a few days earlier telling me that my oncologist was no longer going to be practicing in the office. I was overwhelmed with sadness. When I went to get my lab work done, I was hoping to find that he was just taking a little time off and maybe going to another practice. I would follow him to Timbuktu if I had too. When I walked into the waiting room, I had felt a sense of doom. He's wasn't ever coming back. I spoke with a few of the nurses and no one had an answer as to why he was leaving. I spoke with a doctor and he assured me that he was healthy. He said I deserved an explanation and it couldn't be from him. Tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't talk because of the lump in my throat. This man was my doctor, my protector and my friend for 11 years. I felt like the rug had been ripped from beneath me and all I wanted was the warmth back. I am blessed to be cancer free for many years. I am blessed to have had this man as my doctor. I am blessed to have been understood in a time when I couldn't make sense of having cancer and then the fear of it possibly coming back. I wish him peace, health and serenity.

So in the end my blogger pals, I have to ask myself...is Missoni the end all be all?!? How quickly can I reply...NOT.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred Twenty-Six.....Do I Choose Fear or Faith?

Hi. This last week has made me feel so grateful and sad at the same time. I lost an old dear friend to cancer last week. 53 years young and a beautiful woman. She taught me how to be a a business woman at the ripe age of 26. I was 23. She was a role model and friend and I will miss her. I went to another memorial service yesterday for the team mom from Running Studs' Cross Country and Track Teams. A wonderful, caring and upbeat woman who never let her cancer get in the way of supporting her son and all the team. Comendable and awe inspiring. Seeing all the high school kids there to support their friend and pay tribute to their team mom, was both beautiful and sad. Seeing their pain and discomfort made me want to take them all in a big group hug and not let go. Instead I gave them an individual squeeze and I realized later that it was not only for their comfort...I needed it too.

Cancer is a tricky thing. Here I am almost 11 years out...healthy and living a rich full life. I sit there in these services of my contemporaries and I feel so sad and so grateful. Mixed feelings. In the past, I would have to retreat to my bed for a few days to escape the world and live in fear of when will it be my turn. Will the cancer come back for me? I would veg under the guise of catching up on all my Tivo shows..but the reality is that the world seemed too much to exlore. I got caught up in fear and not faith. I got caught up on what could be rather than what is. It was easier and safe to pull the covers over my head, so to speak.

So, this past week, I could have easily retreated to my world of despair. It is comfortable in times of fear....but I chose not to. Instead, I awoke at the early hour of 6:30. Not because I love getting up so early on a summer morning when my kids are sleeping until 11:00. It's the Menopause. It's natures way to let my body have a couple of hours to not ache before I have to start my day. It's my mind starting to race with all I have to do in the day. I really miss sleeping until 11:00. Oh well..it is what it is!!!

Okay...Menopause tangent is over!! Back to fear and faith. I had an epiphany last week at my friends memorial service. She was always out there helping people. She helped so many with her honesty, compassion and her positive energy. In my years as a cancer survivor, I have talked and walked many women through the beginnings of their cancer journeys. One day, I just couldn't do it. I put conditions on when I could help. I always would help a dear friend and if someone was close to a dear friend I would with reluctance, and then I found that I did it less often. I talked myself into the fact that I was wanting to move forward and not wanting to relive my past. True statement.....BUT...I let fear get in the way. I made it about me...not them. I didn't realize this until recently. I am human. I make mistakes. I can be selfish and not know it at the time.

So, in honor of my friends life, in gratitude of my life and in being a women who likes to be of service to others...I am saying F**K the fear...and be apart of life. Help others. Mentor those who are in the grips of fear and show them the way out. Kiss The Hubby with passion daily. Listen to my kids and let them soar. Embrace life. Open my eyes to all that lies in front of me.

Moral of the story: when my feet touch the floor..make my bed..and let the day begin.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. We were in Hawaii this summer and we were going on an excursion from our hotel. It was a snorkel day. I don't love to snorkel, so I was going with the flow and trying to be a trooper. We got to the spot to find out that we had to kayak to the location. I went into panic mode. So as the mature woman that I am...I stomped my feet and said "I am not going". In the end, I went...loved kayaking..and fell in total love with the fishies!!! I chose faith not fear. Yipeeee!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-five....How Do You Say Your Name?

Hi. I was sitting in my Weight Watchers meeting this morning ( stayed the same for two weeks...boo hoo) and a fellow weight watcher was talking about how she wants to lose weight, get back into a bikini and find a man. Well, that statement stirred up major conversation amongst my fellow weight watcher gals!!! Some focused on how you need to like who you are on the inside regardless about how you look on the outside. Others talked about how they want to get into the bikini as well and then life would be fine. I just sat and listened which is a rarity for me!!! The woman who prompted all the dialogue went on to say that her husband had died and she had been depressed and ate ate ate. Now that I can relate too. Well in all honesty I can relate to it all. I want to strut my stuff in Hawaii when we go this summer in a brand spanking new colorful swimsuit. No black to make myself appear thinner...color, color, color. Not sure my body and mouth are on the same page, but I am trying. Then out of nowhere, our leader asked a question that made me smile and cry at the same time......HOW DO YOU SAY YOUR NAME????

My immediate response to myself (remember I was quiet as a mouse today) was HUH?!? What does this bullshi*t mean, how do I say my name? Then it struck me. When I am feeling down about myself, I bow my head and advert any eye contact when I say softly, wolffie. Other times when I am feeling a bit better about life I will look you in the eye with a bit more oomph and say Wolffie. When I am feeling fine and confident and I have a strut in my step I look into your eyes head on and say with bold conviction WOLFFIE. This little exercise really was an AHA moment. Why can't I be a bold and confident WOLFFIE all the time? Why do I let the small stuff get in the way of enjoying each day?Why do I let 20 ponds of padding make me feel like a loser and no one cares about my thoughts? Why do I let outside events consume me at times to the point where I don't even want to say my name? And then it clicked........spirituality. Some might find it in a religion. Some might find it in the mountains. Some might find it at the beach. Some might find it in mediation. For me it is a little bit of all of these things. When I take a little time in the day and my mind is still...I look at life in a calm and balanced way. Then it doesn't really matter that my pants are tight. It doesn't matter that my teenagers bicker. It doesn't matter that the checker is taking a long time at the grocery store. It doesn't matter that my tumor marker is up and the thought of my cancer returning doesn't have to rule me. It all seems to fade into the day and it rolls off my back. The best part of all this is that I can look at you and say with pride and love....MY NAME IS WOLFFIE.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So Mother's Day was this past Sunday. Before I get into my story, I want to give you a heads up that I had just done a wonderful 2 day road trip with College Studdette and I was tired and had not done meditation so my angle on life was skewed!!! Okay, so Running Stud came into my roon with fresh cut flowers from our garden and they were in a beautiful vase. I took in a deep breathe and thought this is a wonderful way to start the day focusing on me, me, me!!! We went to brunch which was lovely and when the gifts came, my mother did not have a card for me. She had the gift but no card. SHE ALWAYS GIVES ME A CARD. I went into a poor me pitty pot session (in my head) and my mood soured. We went to a restaurant to meet my in laws and the ambiance was not so great. I became cranky (I needed to eat as I did not have too much at the brunch) and really was quite nasty and acting like a spoiled brat. When the pizza came it was AMAZING and my mood lifted enough to enjoy the chatter and laughter with my family. We got home and I retreated to bed where I began to reflect on how I missed my daddy and I wish I could talk to him on Mother's Day. ( he died 4 years ago). My kids and hubby went off to various outings and I was a bit relieved because I got to wallow alone. When they got home I got beautiful cards and a fab necklace and bracelet. On our road trip College Studette found a book and bought it and hid it in her purse. So sweet!!! In the end, I had a great day. I find sometimes that I put so much emphasis on how I don't get to pick what I want to do on Mother's Day rather than the little things that my family does to make me feel a little more special for the day. So, next year I vow to look at the actions rather than the events. I am so blessed to have four kids who want to shower me in their individual ways. When they look me in the eye and say their name...there is a hyphen and a voice filled with love and admiration when they add WOLFFIES CHILD.

Oh yeah...that's what Mother's Day is all about.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-Four.....Move Over Sabotoge I Am Still In One Piece

Hi. In my last blog entry, I spoke about my struggles with weight. I now am a card holding member of Weight Watchers. Actually, I am considered a Lifetime Member which tells you that you reached a goal and in my case left the goal and am now back to reach a new goal!!! Oy!! This "club" comes with many benefits. I am accountable to show up every week because I pre-paid for my meetings. I also find there are great snacky foods for puchaseand I love their powders for making smoothies. I also am in a room with a bunch of women and men who do what I do. Sabotage. We get to laugh and really make connections as to why we do what we do. Case in point. On one of my jaunts with Weight Watchers, I lost a ton of weight. I looked really hot if I do say so myself!! I had lost baby weight from back to back pregnancies. I can't tell you how many times people came up to me and said......"You look so good. How did you do it?" I shyly responded with a "Thank-you. I cut my portions in half...blah blah blah" I would walk away with my inner voice ranting.."Take your car and go Micky D's for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, large fries and a Diet Coke....Now" There are a few things wrong with this scenario..............Why the diet coke and not a milkshake? For heavens sake if I am gonna blow my serenity and possibly gain weight..have the milkshake!!! Why would I want to eat this meal after working so hard to lose weight. Sabotage my blog friends is so f'd up!! In the past there was apart of me who just didn't want to succeed. I knew how to put myself down and not feel totally comfortable without chaos and self loathing. It has taken me years of going up and down in weight to really understand that my emotions don't have to rule me. I can be spiritually fit if I wear a bikini or a Mu mu. Honestly, I want to wear a one piece bathing suit because turning 50 has sent my body into a downward mode. Ya know boobs hanging..tummy hanging...BUT my wish is to not have to wear a cover up. Let it all hang low!!! I finally have come to understand that if I work my spiritual practice each day then life takes care of itself. I don't feel the need to eat over anything from losing a loved one or my nail breaking and all that's goes on in between. Am I ever gonna not want to sabotage? I can't say. I do know that when I meditate, am of service to others, that inner voice that calls for Micky D's is not hammering my inner dialogue. So, next time I get a compliment...I am gonna have a big ass smile on my face and just say....."Thanks"...That's it...just ....."Thanks". Oh, I might go down to the local bathing suit store to get a sexy one-piece!!!! Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. This sabotage things comes in many shapes and forms. Lets take my hair. I was growing it from a short do. It took about 1 1/2 years to get long. It was black and I had a 4 inch pony tale. This might seem trivial, but I have NEVER had a four inch pony tale!!! Anyways, I started getting the "Your hair is so long and cute" compliment and I had to talk my inner dialogue down and say..."Don't cut it". And I didn't...UNTIL..I realized that I am a short and sassy blonde hair kind of gal. It makes me skip a beat when I am walking and I feel fresh and perky. To feel fresh and perky at 50 is a gift. I had my hair cut and colored blonde. I love it. I often wonder...do people have inner dialogue and listen or argue with it? Am I crazy? I am thinking just honest. In the case of the hair.... which was the sabotage...the 4 inch pony or the short and sassy? Hmmmmm. Can you relate? More will be revealed Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more. In Love and Peace, Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-Three..What Creeps Up Can Come Down

Hi. I struggle with weight. I am going to have to date myself now.....do you remember the old Rolaids add? It talked about indiGEStion. It visually showed you how eating certain foods could make your stomach feel bigger and well you know gassy!!! Well that's how I feel about weight. I am in the ihavetoloseTWENTYpounds part of my cycle. My stomach is stretching out and well you know gassy!!! I am in the middle of my yo yo experience of weight loss. It seems to go into3-4 year cycles. I eat eat eat eat myself to a top weight and then I lose lose lose to my bottom weight. After about three years of keeping it off, I start to inch inch inch my way up up up. The good news is that this time I am stopping at 20 not letting myself get WAY up there on the fabulous scale. In my 40 plus years of struggle (not counting birth to 10), I have changed my attitude. My whole day was measured by what the scale said. I would have conversations with the scale...."Oh your doing doing good Wolffie!!!" or "Why is the number bigger. I have been SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD. Now I will tell you that the scale has never talked back to me but it definitely ruled me. If I was down I would skip off the scale and have a fabu day. If I was up, I would yell at the scale, jump off, call myself a few choice words (Ugly, fat...F'n ugly..you get the picture) and have a terrible day. I let numbers dictate how I was to feel. Absurd? I have now come to the point where I weigh myself only once a week. I don't talk to the scale. I don't name call. I am open to having a good day even though my pants are snug. I have evolved!!! I still want to weigh less. I still miss my tight jeans with my ass looking ever so fine....BUT......I am liking and even loving myself from within...because truth be told...I am a good person on the inside whether I am haute menopausal mama or a little bit chunky menopausal mama. So, as I eat better and lose the weight I am going to look at myself each day with a smile on my face and go out into the world knowing I am who I am and it's all good. Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I was driving my boys, Running Stud And Soccer Stud 1 to high school this morning and we were chatting about summer. It's getting close and I am so excited. I love summer. This summer especially because none of the Studs are going to summer school and College Studette will be home. We are going on a family vacay which we haven't done in awhile. Anyways, back to our conversation...Running Stud is going to a Altitude Training/Bonding camp with his Cross Country Team. Last year he told me I should go this up coming summer and chaperon. I asked him this morning if he was still cool with me going. I already told the coach I would go so I was a bit nervous about his answer. "I am so cool with you going..it's going to be a blast" (whew). OMG..this was my soon to be Sophomore Kid wanting me to go on a trip with him and his pals!!! I FELT LIKE SINGING. So, I have to think to myself.....it don't matter what I weigh...it matters how my heart sings. Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back fore more. Signing off until we meet again. In Love and Peace, Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-Two... When I Am Gone

Hi. I didn't have any idea what I was going to blog about today when i booted up my computer. I wanted to keep my commitment to myself to write at least once a week. When I did turn on my computer, my AOL news said that Elizabeth Taylor had passed away. Wow. What an icon. Not only is she beautiful and talented but a great friend and a humanitarian to boot. Need I say a romantic at heart? We all lived through her romances and enjoyed her movies. She spoke up about HIV/AIDS when few would publicly AND she helped to start AMFAR. Her voice led others to fight the fight and she is a hero in my book. Her legacy will live on in those who thrived because of her commitment to finding a cure for HIV/AIDS. Her beauty will live on in her movies.

When I am gone, will there be something that I will be remembered for? I am not talking about Mother Theresa or Princess Diana realm..but is there something? Just thinking about this makes me want to be a better person. The Hubby and College Studette will remember when I got cancer. That was a day that stopped time. The boys were too young to remember, but they got aftermath of it. They got my menopause mood swings and the fear and triumph of being a survivor. I hope they got that when adversity comes into your life, you can push through and get to the other side with dignity, faith and love.

Will I have brought laughter to those around me. I sure know as hell that my family will remember my impatience and yelling...but will they remember how we laughed? Laughter is the key to getting through anything. Humor can turn your mood around for sure.

Did I show my passion to others? Equality for all, finding a cure for cancer and helping green our planet. Did I show those around me that you can't turn a blind eye and if you want to be safe then you have to help others be safe too?

I feel a bit like I am preaching. I am still here on this planet..so I have work to do. I don't aspire to be the next Elizabeth Taylor..I just want my family and friends to feel like I am around even when I am gone. Is that too much to ask for?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. On a much lighter note, I was having a iced tea with College Studette and two of her friends yesterday. They are all home for Spring break. I love when they are around. It warms my heart and my estrogen feels like I got a huge boost. They are so happy and free. Anyways, we were talking about texting. This is how they do it:

"I can't hang out with you today because you bug me. Haha"

What's up with the Haha?!? That Haha says to me that it's okay to say a not so nice thing as long as I have a "Haha" it will lesson the blow and seriousness of the not so nice statement.. I don't get it. Do I tell my The Hubby that...

"Our checking account is overdrawn and the bank is threatening to close the account. Haha"? (not a real scenario mind you!). I don't think so!!!!

The girls and I had a huge belly laugh over the Haha. We made up funny scenarios and cracked ourselves up. The reality is that this generation doesn't think like me. They don't have the eye to eye uncomfortable conversations that I had when I was 21. I didn't break up by text message. (they didn't either..but it has been done!) My kids don't know from in your face conflict. They can IM, Text, Email their feelings and not deal with how it immediately affects the person on the other side. I try to explain that it is better to do things in person. I feel like when I am speaking they are TOTALLY tuning me out. Oh well. It's the times ...right? Bummer.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-One..What Was I Talking About?!?

Hi. There is so much on my mind today..I don't know where to focus. Focus..hmmmm...this is something that I find is hard to do sometimes. Is it ADHD? Is menopausal brain or lack there of? Okay...like I said I have so much that I wanted to talk about BU.... I can't remember whayt I wanted to say!!. IT was going to be profound and funny of course...where did the thought go? This is a problem on many levels. Sometimes, I want to have a heart to heart with one of the kids..and I lose my train of thought. Sometimes, I go into the house because I forgot something and I don't know why I re entered my house. Sometimes, I go to the market for a couple of things and I end up with a basket full of crap that I did not have any intention of buying and forgot what I went into the market for. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Am I alone in this? Do you sometimes feel like you are losing it?

Losing it...now I remember what I wanted to talk about! Losing weight. It is f*ing hard when you are a post menopausal women . I am 50 years old and supposed to be in my prime...but my body doesn't show anything but "oh you have a middle aged..i am so sorry'' body. What's prime about that? Isn't 50 supposed to be the new 30?!? Don't think so...at least in the body department. Now if I were to be completely honest (and you know I will be), I see a lot of hot over 50 mamas gallivanting around town in their tight work out clothes. Do they starve? Do they work out 4 hours a day? What is their secret? I could probably stand to lesson my portions of my healthy food consumption. It's always about those gosh darn portions..at least for me!!! I could probably stand to exercise more than I do but my knee is acting up. As I am writing this "EXCUSES"! keep going round and round in my ever so thick brain. Talking about excuses..I will give you some...."I am tired." "I have no time." "I don't like weights." "What's wrong with a bit of chocolate chips on my non fat frozen yogurt?" I think I want the results without the work. Don't you?!? When I was younger I could go on a Swiss Cheese and Nacho Cheese Doritos diet and lose weight ( I really did this and lost weight...at 19!!!). Now if I look at those foods, I gain weight! I guess the moral of this story is balance. Huh? How does one do that with four kids, , and hubby all the while trying to fulfill my inner child? I have yet to figure this balance thing out BUT I am trying!! I am TOTALLY a work in progress. Progress not perfection...right?!?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I went to my PFC meeting today and we had a speaker talk about raising healthy teenagers. My mind hurts a bit. They really have a lot more to deal with than I did when I was a teenager. There were times in the day when I could chill. Now with cell phones and Internet they really don't get a break from being bombarded with tweets, texting and keeping up on Face book. I have fallen into the technology trap myself. I find myself texting them throughout the day under the guise that if I don't text them, I won't remember what I want to talk to them about. This is partially true BUT I could jot a note for myself...but I run the risk of forgetting I wrote the note!! Isn't this really about instant gratification and instant results?!? Sometimes I wish I could pull in the reigns and let them be a bit more free from all the chaos the world throws at us. I do have some limits..like no texting at the dinner table. They can't play video games for hours on end and the computer doesn't come on until after homework is done. My guys do love to be outdoors kicking the soccer ball around. So all of the olden days is not lost. I just want to gain more of those olden days for them..Do you think they could survive living how we lived!!! Hmmmmmmm.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

One Hundred and Twenty......And The Rose Goes To...

Hi. I am finally coming out of having the awful flu. It really kicked my butt. Today I am taking it easy at home and watching on Tivo "The Bachelor: Women Tell All". Reeerrrrrr (that's the sound of a cat about to pounce!!) It's unbelievable to watch. I mean really, did these women truly believe that they were going to find their prince on national television?!? He can only pick one!!! I guess maybe they did. I can't imagine living in a house waiting to see if I was going home or getting "the rose". Its only natural that there would be cat fights and a lot of backstabbing. The clever footage show us all this. It takes guts to let the world see you make out in front of cameras all the while trying to have an intimate single or quadruple date. I don't think I could do it...BUT..I love watching this show for the pure entertainment value it brings me and my family. It opens up dialogue and brings much laughter in our home. Yes I love to yell at the TV pointing out the flaws and manipulation the girls are doing. My boys get a kick out of my passion. My weekly chats with my daughter.."Could you believe so and so"? or "I can't believe that so and so is still here. We all felt like we had the right to voice our opinions on who we thought was "the one" for Bachelor Brad!! Are we insane?!?

I love seeing all the beautiful places the show brings them to. I secretly want to be a fly on the wall getting a beautiful tan (sunscreen of course), eating delicious food and don't get me started on the clothes and bodies!! I want to have those clothes and I want those 20 something bodies!!! Who wouldn't? BUT..... finding love on national television with millions of people watching? It seems manufactured and that's not how to find love....at least not lasting love..Okay some of you might talk about Ryan and Trish...that's a rarity. They are soooo cute!!

What has our world come to? Do y0u think the next generation of failing in lovers will know that this is not reality for most of us? Do you think that they think that Jersey Shore and the Bachelor,and Bachelorette and all the tons of reality shows are the real deal? Do you think they will learn that intimacy is for all to see..in public. Do you think that they might realize that this is entertainment not how one falls in love? OMG...that's all I can say...OMG.

Why listen to Woffie? Because I get it. I have fallen in love twice in my life. Once when I was 19 and the other time when I was 26. The first time I was young and I fell hard and fast. It was a whirlwind of a relationship and as hard as I fell, I fell even harder in sadness when it was over. It took me years to get over him and I am not sure why. Fantasy on what it was maybe.

When I was 26, I met my soul mate. We dated. Took it slowly. I really liked who he was as a person. His passion for life and love really made me feel good when I was around him. After 4 months of dating..he got scared and broke up with me. I was a mess but I knew at that moment that this was the man I was going to marry. He asked me (smart guy) several months after we got back together to marry him and I said yes. Here we are 22 years married, four beautiful children and we have built a wonderful life together. He still makes me laugh and I still like who he is as a person.

I can't imagine sharing our journey through the lens of a camera for all the world to witness. There are some things that should be shared only by us and those we hold dear to our hearts...besides I don't want anyone yelling at the TV telling The Hubby to not give me a rose because I f'd up on the laundry or my chicken was dry. I would have been a goner along time ago!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Nineteen...Thanks to Julia and Julia

Hi. I have been home sick all week with the flu. High fever, aches and acough. Needless to say, I had to cancel my weekly writing of our blogs date with my pal. Who could think past the fogginess in my head? I must be getting on the mend because i am a bit bored and started to think about washing my greasy hair. I am caught up on all my Tivo shows...so I started flipping channels...and there it was...Julie and Julia. I LOVE this movie. This movie inspired me to start my blog. I set out to write everyday for 365 days and unfortunately life got in the way. And I thought I failed myself. But did I? I know that I have learned so much from writing this blog. I have found a voice inside my menopausal exterior. I have found that through humor I can get through anything and honoring my sadness is OK..As I watched Julie and Julia....I knew I had to blog today. I don't have much wit in my brain. I really want to sleep. Next week will I am sure the fog will be gone and I will be able to put a tale together. As I have said many times before; this is not about perfection. I am going to take my imperfect body, make a cup of tea and convalesce.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Funny story...hmmmm....funny story..hmmmm. In homage to the infamous Julia Child, I must share with you about how my kids feel about my cooking. I think they are bored with my cooking. I used to be a great cook. I had time and my kids were not as involved in life as they are now. Most nights we don't eat until 8;30. Who wants to eat a heavy scrumptious meal at that time? Not me. As it is I have put on some poundage since our late night suppers. And this is with eating so so meals. It's all about quick and easy. Did I share that I have a pescatarian in the mix? The Hubby is working on getting his cholesterol down, so now he is not eating meat or poultry. I support him in this, but it makes it hard to cook. I don't want to live on pasta as it seems that the pasta goes straight to my thighs and buttock. I am veering away from my story. We were having a nice evening and the subject of parents cooking came up. Soccer Stud One was raving about his friend's parents cooking. I mean on and on and my sphinxter was getting tight...and then the words came out...hold onto your seats...."Your an Ok cook" My jaw dropped.... "A what"? Did I mention that he had a few friends over?!? Truth be told...he is right. It just stung a bit to hear those words out loud. I have become a boring cook. I have lost my passion. Julia Child I am not. And guess what? I am not changing right now. We are in a phase of sports and schelping and I have to be OK with that. I have to admit something..half the time The Hubby comes home and says "What's for dinner" ?"I dont know..you tell me?" That's the one part that's going to have to change. So tonight it's baked potatoes and steamed veggies. Yum.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Eighteen...The Eye of Hurricane Monster

Hi. I was in a life coaching session today and the truth came out about Hurricane Monster. It has been looming over me since I don't know how long....Ummmm maybe since the dark ages. Anyways, I have this radio station that plays in my head that I warmly refer to as K F**K. I don't know if your brain is dialed into the same station. It's the one that only plays songs that tells you that you are no good..you can't reach your dreams....so just stop. I don't know who the artists are who recorded such songs but I don't like listening to K F**K. It seems to be permanently set there though. So, today in my session, Coach Lori challenged me or shall I say, we challenged me. I am afraid to succeed in something that I feel so passionately about...and that is writing. I LOVE to write. It makes me feel complete. I feel like I am honoring my soul. It lets me relate to others. It is awesome. SO WHY DO I KEEP MYSELF FROM DOING IT???!!!???. This is the million $$$$$ question. Fear of being happy. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear that people won't relate. FEAR FEAR FEAR. As you can surmise, I am not the kind of gal who just closes her eyes and dives in. Not in my make-up..until today. I have decided to turn the dial away from K F**K and listen to a new station...K PROMISE. This new radio station plays soothing songs; songs that tell me that you can enjoy the process and songs that spark feelings of triumph not defeat. The road is wide and I can go for it. Better songs, don't you think?!? I feel a sense of calm. I am inching towards living in the land of grey rather than in the land of all or nothing. Everything is possible when I am in the land of grey. I actually can start moving in a direction that enjoys the journey. Completion feels promising. Bye- Bye.. K F**K. Hello K PROMISE . Did I mention that I am jumping into my life without a life vest? HOORAH!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. This weekend before I chose to shut off K F**K off and listen to K Promise, I must admit that I was a not so nice Wifey-Poo and Momola to The Hubby, College Studettee, Running Stud, Soccer Stud 1 and and Soccer Stud 2. This was an ordinary weekend of shelping, smelling and hearing the boys fart on cue, College Studeete reporting about her adventures in Boulder and The Hubby was complaining about a new ache on his 53 year old body. I wanted to jump out of my skin. I was short with all of them. I wasn't interested. I wanted to be left alone. So I did the '"lets change locations so I can escape plan". I went to the mall and surrounded myself with strangers that I could give a rats ass about AND I bought make-up. I wanted a "pick me up you look 50 and fresh look". I accomplished the task!! I felt like going home. I had a skip in my step when I entered my home. Nothing changed. Boys still farting. The Hubby still had the aches. My daughter called with a new story. My reactions changed. I had interest. These are my peeps.

Moral of the story: Sometimes I have to get away to see what specialness I have right in front of me.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Seventeen.....Stand Up

I went to a Story Telling Salon evening last night with a friend. The premise is to tell a personal story in front of an audience. Sounds easy. I am a writer, a good story teller amongst my friends and I am outgoing. Seems like good traits for getting up there..right?!? I watched 9 people get up and tell their stories; ranging from retirement to partying in the 70's. I laughed and I cried. I left there thinking ...could I do this? On my way home I started telling a story out loud..to myself...it was hard. I mumbled and I fumbled. Why so hard? Well for me I think it because when I put pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard..my words flow (most of the time). I don't think about what I am trying to say. A bit organic. I had to recall quickly the details I wanted to say and I bored myself !! It's hard. I had a new found respect for those chaps who got up and told what seemed to effortless stories. I think I am gonna try getting up and telling a story. I will have to write it down and read it for my first time. It doesn't seem as exposing as looking out into the audience. I won't see their reactions to a life event that I had and want to share for humor and maybe a little bit of relate ability. In the end, I just want to feel connected. Is that so wrong?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I am gazing at my vision board for 2011 and I must admit it is a far cry from my 2010 one. All that was on my mind was turning 50 and how I wanted to enter into my new decade. 2010 was all about health, being a sexy ,mama and achieving some spiritual growth. Did I achieve any of that? Well....i f'd up my knee in January of 2010...so I put on some pounds...okay 15 of them. I have to say I didn't feel like a sexy Mama. My friend passed and I lost a bit of my wanting to grow spiritually...I chose to be in bed and wallow in my sadness. By December of 2010..December 23 to be exact...I had a light bulb going off in my head moment and it was this simple.....Snap out of it!!! I turned 50 on December 24. I was feeling pleased to have racked up another year of being cancer free (10 years to be exact), I had "the hubby" who loves me, I had four great kids who love me (except when they don't !) and a circle of friends who are just the best. I am blessed.

So Gandhi I am not. Rachel Welsh I am not. Twiggy I am not....BUT so far in this 2011 year....I am feeling better on the inside so I can be better to the outside world. I am open to wherever my path takes me without trying to micro manage my spiritual path, and I am feeling the creative juices again. Feeling fine.

Moral of the story: If I get out of my own way and just live in the moment...I am right where I am supposed to be.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Sixteen...Do I Have To Know Everything?

Hi. Wow I can't believe it has been over two months since my last post! Let me tell you why this happened. I have been in a mental standstill. No creative juices flowing...actually not many thoughts flowing I was into eating my blues away. Can anybody relate? If I am to be entirely honest with my blog pals...I like to run from my feelings. It doesn't really matter if they are good feelings or bad feelings..I just like to run. Shall I give you an example? Okay...you don't have to twist my arm!! Here goes. Let's start with my blogging. I was so gung-ho in the beginning to blog every day. If Julia could cook and write her experiences every day for a year than why couldn't I?!? So, I started and my daily blog writing lasted awhile. Then...a feeling hit. It was a true sad feeling. My friend was dying..I couldn't take it..so rather than use the blog as a tool to push through...I stopped writing. I didn't feel funny..I had to be funny in order for people to like reading my rants. But is this really true? I didn't do a survey and ask. I just stopped; and really Wolffie, are you really all knowing? Can you see into people's hearts and minds? NOPE. So that emotional block added pounds of I can't believe I stopped writing, failed again AND gained 10 pounds.

Another case in point, my kids. I truly love them..all four of them. I just don't know how to make Running Stud, Soccer Stud One and Soccer Stud Two (College Studette is away at school) to hear me and respect me. Is this so wrong to ask of the kids that I carried around for nine months, fed them from my nipples, changes way too many stinky diapers, took them to mommy and me, shelped them for all their various sporting activities, shelped them to their religious studies and I am sure am forgetting something!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVED DOING ALL THIS FOR MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.....BUT, they are teenagers and they don't appreciate me anymore. WAHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. Who am I kidding? Me. I must confess that this part of my life put another 8 pounds on my growing girth! What planet am I on to think that teenagers even care about anyone but themselves..for the most part that is. Aren't they right where they are supposed to be? Planet Wolffie must go away. I say these words to my kids all the time (and it makes them crazy!), "Can you please step out of your world and into ours"!!!???!!! Shouldn't I take this oh so clever advice?!? YEP. So, I am breathing a lot. Tuning out a lot and focusing on their positive stuff and not the ones that annoy me to no end.Guess what? It's working. There is laughter in the house. We are getting along so much better...and I lost three pounds!!! Oh yeah baby!!!

Why listen to Wolfie? Because I get it. Once upon a time there was a girl maned Wolffie, a lovely girl, who had to know and plan her path. Oh it was hard for Wolffie. Oh so very hard; Because..life gives you road blocks and Wolffie wanted to plot out the beginning, middle and end of each experience. Very tiring. Situations would come into her path..and she would stop the experience and then think of herself as a failure. What was poor Wolffie to do? She knew she wasn't living the life she dreamed...but she couldn't stop planning. Then one day..a light bulb went off...I do not have to do this alone. I can step on a spiritual path and relieve myself of stopping when obstacles and pressures to be perfect get in the way. What a great idea Wolffie thought. Wofflie implemented this by mediating most mornings and writing her thoughts on paper. She gave her controlling and annoying need to be all knowing away and her life has been much better. There is no happy ending to this once upon a time story because.... life is still in session.

Moral of the story: Enjoy where you are because looking back or looking forward takes you away from where your feet are planted.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.
Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie