Entry One Hundred and Twenty-Four.....Move Over Sabotoge I Am Still In One Piece

Hi. In my last blog entry, I spoke about my struggles with weight. I now am a card holding member of Weight Watchers. Actually, I am considered a Lifetime Member which tells you that you reached a goal and in my case left the goal and am now back to reach a new goal!!! Oy!! This "club" comes with many benefits. I am accountable to show up every week because I pre-paid for my meetings. I also find there are great snacky foods for puchaseand I love their powders for making smoothies. I also am in a room with a bunch of women and men who do what I do. Sabotage. We get to laugh and really make connections as to why we do what we do. Case in point. On one of my jaunts with Weight Watchers, I lost a ton of weight. I looked really hot if I do say so myself!! I had lost baby weight from back to back pregnancies. I can't tell you how many times people came up to me and said......"You look so good. How did you do it?" I shyly responded with a "Thank-you. I cut my portions in half...blah blah blah" I would walk away with my inner voice ranting.."Take your car and go Micky D's for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, large fries and a Diet Coke....Now" There are a few things wrong with this scenario..............Why the diet coke and not a milkshake? For heavens sake if I am gonna blow my serenity and possibly gain weight..have the milkshake!!! Why would I want to eat this meal after working so hard to lose weight. Sabotage my blog friends is so f'd up!! In the past there was apart of me who just didn't want to succeed. I knew how to put myself down and not feel totally comfortable without chaos and self loathing. It has taken me years of going up and down in weight to really understand that my emotions don't have to rule me. I can be spiritually fit if I wear a bikini or a Mu mu. Honestly, I want to wear a one piece bathing suit because turning 50 has sent my body into a downward mode. Ya know boobs hanging..tummy hanging...BUT my wish is to not have to wear a cover up. Let it all hang low!!! I finally have come to understand that if I work my spiritual practice each day then life takes care of itself. I don't feel the need to eat over anything from losing a loved one or my nail breaking and all that's goes on in between. Am I ever gonna not want to sabotage? I can't say. I do know that when I meditate, am of service to others, that inner voice that calls for Micky D's is not hammering my inner dialogue. So, next time I get a compliment...I am gonna have a big ass smile on my face and just say....."Thanks"...That's it...just ....."Thanks". Oh, I might go down to the local bathing suit store to get a sexy one-piece!!!! Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. This sabotage things comes in many shapes and forms. Lets take my hair. I was growing it from a short do. It took about 1 1/2 years to get long. It was black and I had a 4 inch pony tale. This might seem trivial, but I have NEVER had a four inch pony tale!!! Anyways, I started getting the "Your hair is so long and cute" compliment and I had to talk my inner dialogue down and say..."Don't cut it". And I didn't...UNTIL..I realized that I am a short and sassy blonde hair kind of gal. It makes me skip a beat when I am walking and I feel fresh and perky. To feel fresh and perky at 50 is a gift. I had my hair cut and colored blonde. I love it. I often wonder...do people have inner dialogue and listen or argue with it? Am I crazy? I am thinking just honest. In the case of the hair.... which was the sabotage...the 4 inch pony or the short and sassy? Hmmmmm. Can you relate? More will be revealed Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more. In Love and Peace, Wolffie