Day One Hundred and Twenty-Nine...It Still Stings

Hi. Today is November 27, 2011. It seemingly feels like it's going to be a beautiful day in Southern California. It is the end of a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. We had family come from high and low. We had fabulous food, laughter and even Black Friday was a success. On the 23rd was my 11th anniversary of my breast cancer. This is all so wonderful and yet my heart is sad today because my daddy is not here and it is his birthday.

I can't believe that this December will mark the 5th year of my dad's passing. The sting is still with me. When I think of the accident, my heart still stops and I can't catch my breath. It's not something I talk about because....shit... it's been 5 years. Shouldn't I be over the shock by now? Shouldn't I be able to have a day go by and not think of how I would like to tell my daddy about my day? Shouldn't I be able to not always look for butterflies to see if my daddy still hovers over me and my brood? Shouldn't I be able to just move on? Who set up the Shouldn't list anyways?!?

I don't want to give you the impression that I live my life in constant gloom. doom and grief. I do not. I have so much joy and laughter sprinkled with a bit of craziness due to teenage testosterone, being a PFC President (which my dad would be laughing at cause I am not usually the Big Kahuna!) and the constant events that come at you because you are living your life. I do see the world with rose colored glasses most days....BUT losing my dad so suddenly has really changed me. I wasn't ready. None of my family was. I had a lot more life to share with him. We were in a groove. I was a daughter, a friend and confidant. I loved where we were. I miss where were going.

In honor of you, I write this with sadness and love. I write this with the hope that my kids will one day see me as their friend. It takes time and cultivation. I look forward to it. I welcome it. So for now, I will try to be the best mom I can be. I know that I have my work cut out for me because kids have to live their lives and that comes with the need and desire to f*ck with their parents. I know that my kids are smart and they think I don't know ANYTHING about ANYTHING!!!! I have to learn not to explode, smile and shut my pretty mouth and keep silent because boy did I think my shit didn't stink and my parents shit did. I thought that they knew NOTHING about the angst of my teenage and early 20's. How could they?!? They were so OLD. I don't know how it happened and why it happened, but one day I looked at my dad and I saw his wisdom. I understood his sense of humor. I accepted him...flaws included. We understood each other. It took time, work, forgiveness, love, humor and honesty. We got there and I miss it.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I was 20 years old and I was not in a great way. I had just took a leave of absence from college (okay I quit), was living at home and feeling like my life was OVER. I didn't know what I wanted to pursue for a career path, I didn't have a boyfriend (he dumped me), and my friends were all over the country going to college, getting married and living what seemed like a happy go lucky life. I felt so alone. My dad was having a work crisis as well. He was at a crossroads. We spent many an hour talking about the choices we had. Me just starting out in the adult world and him wanting to wind down. "If you could be anything in the world...what you you be?" I chose a writer and he chose a philosopher living in a shack at the beach. We both encouraged each other to go for it. He didn't and neither did I. Fear for me and obligations for him. That day was a life changer for me. I took him off the pedestal that I placed him on and he sat right next to me until the day he died.

Moral of the story: We are only as human as we allow ourselves and others to be.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. please come back for more.

in Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Eleven....All Grown Up

Hi. Today was a day that will go down in my record book as...IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?!?

It was a business as usual summer day. Soccer Stud 1 and Running Stud had summer school. I dropped them off at 6:30, went for a 2 mile stroll around the lake, got a mani and pedi, came home to Running Stud 2 and a friend playing that g-d awful Call Of Duty and then it was time for my new job to begin. I have a Taxi service called, "will you schelp me here and there and everywhere all afternoon and all night long?" It's a great service fro those who hop in my car..it's free for them. It's $3.04 a gallon for me. I am losing money big time BUT like a taxi driver, I hear it all. Today was especially interesting.....

The subjects were about hot girls, soccer, hot girls, drugs, hot girls, test scores, hot girls, me being an airhead and getting lost, hot girls, drugs. OMG...these are my boys and their friends!! How did this happen? They are all grown up!!!! Here I was driving and listening to them talk about girls, who was doing drugs and I was clutching the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles were white. I was dying on the inside but very calm and collected on the outside. I have to have a poker face. I even laughed because some of it was funny...weird but funny. They were asking questions about mushrooms (not the ones you put in a salad!!), LSD, cocaine and there was sexual innuendos. Can I say this again....OMG, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? When did they grow up? I still feel like a kid, so how can we be here? I answered their questions with frankness, I mean if they are asking I shouldn't lie...right? The good news is that they were disgusted about the drugs...YEAH!!! They think it is stupid to trip on schrooms and acid. Thank G-d because they are 14. They said they know kids who have done all this stuff. Can I say it again....OMG. My boys are all grown up.. or at least they think they are. It seems like yesterday when I was changing billions of diapers and they were farting and burping. I rolled my eyes over that!! They still burp and fart, but now we are in a new hemisphere and I am not ready!! Tough shit Wolffie....the time has come and Wolffie has to deal. I did and I will continue to deal..but OMG!!!

The ride has started. My seat belt is strapped on and I have to be prepared for the roller coaster ride of high school. I made it through College Studette, so I know I will get through the twins and right behind them is Soccer Stud 2. All I can say is, thank g-d they talk to me and talk so candidly in front of me. Thank g-d for hair dye. I feel like I just inherited a new batch of grey!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. The other night I was out to lunch with The Hubby and my three boys. College Studette was out with her boyfriend. Usually I am the: uptight, please behave always trying to keep the guys in tow mom. For some reason this lunch didn't go that way. When I stop trying to be teacher and listen to my guys banter (The Hubby included), they are really funny. Running Stud always has a funny story to tell. "Got a fun fact for you. You know that I have an awesome six pack...right? So, at school the other day I pulled down my shorts way low and lifted up my shirt so someone would notice and comment on my awesomeness. I waited and waited. NOTHING." With a glimmer in his eyes and bowing his head down low he says: "Their loss." To say that we all cracked up would be an understatement. I couldn't stop laughing..all of us were practically peeing in our pants. It felt great to feel so free. It felt great to not scold. It felt great to be apart of. It felt great to have my boy feel confident. It was a day in the life of my family that I was glad to be apart of.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie