Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Day Seventy-Six....Catching Up


I haven't blogged in several days. This past weekend was filled with family festivites and now that the kids are off on holiday, my routine is off track. It's kind of nice opening up my datebook to see no plans. I get to be lazy (it's 10:25 on a Wednesday and I am still in my Jammie's!). It;s great for the kid too. Even though I try not to over schedule them..they are always busy. With school ( a must), their sports (a must for my active testosterone boys) and religious school they barely have to sit their arses down to play Wii. So over the break we are trying to do a lot of chill'in. Our daughter is school and finals are over!!!

How does one chill? My daughter is back from college. She took the furniture from her room to her house in Boulder. So, when she comes here, her suitcase (one of them ) stays in the middle of our kitchen/dining area. THIS ANNOYS ME TO NO END!! I politely and firmly told my hubby to move our armoire into her room so she could get her stuff in drawers. He put my sewing machine table (which hasn't been used in years) in our room to house our TV. Then a light bulb went off in my ever so smart head after speaking with a friend. LETS MOVE OUR FURNITURE AROUND!!! So.......when I get a bug up my ass, things are done lickity spilt. My boys helped me move a chaise and server in our room, move the sewing machine table to the side of our couch (threw a adorable tablecloth over it and no-one until now would ever have known it's a sewing machine), moved the china hutch where the server went, cleaned out my daughters closet from all my crap so she could have more room, and cleaned the linen and towel closet out. I got a lot done. My house feels less cluttered. My kids want to strangle me I am sure because now I want our house to REMAIN spotless which means they actually have to pick up after themselves!!!! I am about to get my tiny violin out and serenade them..poor darlings!!! I know this doesn't sound like chill'in day, felt oh so good.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Closure has its up and downs. One door closes and another one opens. Shut yourself off from one experience and open up your heart for a new one. What happens if you are not ready and the door slams shut anyway? Heavy, heavy sigh. I have been holding on to my dad's tragic death for three years. Now, through an experience..his case on the accident is over ..solved...time to move on. How does one get over the shock? If I do, will I move on from being able to feel his presence and will my memories of him fade? I have been holding on so tight because I don't ever want to forget his face, his laugh, his cynicism, his roar, his love, his passion. I have chosen to hold on to the tragedy of his death like a little girl clutching her favorite blankie. If you take that blankie away from take my security.... I beg to ask myself inner most self..does my security lie in others? If so, why? Aren't I secure within myself? Yes? But..I guess I was always my daddy's little girl. He could make me feel brave and he could make me feel tall, he could also make me feel small. He just helped make me ( mom too of course)!!! So, now I have to close the door of tragedy and welcome a new door..without my dad. I feel like a confused adolescent right about now.... Conflicted and dramatic. May his soul rest in peace and may my soul rest in the pure knowledge I was loved fully and completely by my dad and that I am still loved fully and completely by those I surround myself beautiful family and friends. It's time to look toward the light not back into darkness. So, one door has shut and one door is opening. I am ready.

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,


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