Entry One Hundred and Twenty-five....How Do You Say Your Name?

Hi. I was sitting in my Weight Watchers meeting this morning ( stayed the same for two weeks...boo hoo) and a fellow weight watcher was talking about how she wants to lose weight, get back into a bikini and find a man. Well, that statement stirred up major conversation amongst my fellow weight watcher gals!!! Some focused on how you need to like who you are on the inside regardless about how you look on the outside. Others talked about how they want to get into the bikini as well and then life would be fine. I just sat and listened which is a rarity for me!!! The woman who prompted all the dialogue went on to say that her husband had died and she had been depressed and ate ate ate. Now that I can relate too. Well in all honesty I can relate to it all. I want to strut my stuff in Hawaii when we go this summer in a brand spanking new colorful swimsuit. No black to make myself appear thinner...color, color, color. Not sure my body and mouth are on the same page, but I am trying. Then out of nowhere, our leader asked a question that made me smile and cry at the same time......HOW DO YOU SAY YOUR NAME????

My immediate response to myself (remember I was quiet as a mouse today) was HUH?!? What does this bullshi*t mean, how do I say my name? Then it struck me. When I am feeling down about myself, I bow my head and advert any eye contact when I say softly, wolffie. Other times when I am feeling a bit better about life I will look you in the eye with a bit more oomph and say Wolffie. When I am feeling fine and confident and I have a strut in my step I look into your eyes head on and say with bold conviction WOLFFIE. This little exercise really was an AHA moment. Why can't I be a bold and confident WOLFFIE all the time? Why do I let the small stuff get in the way of enjoying each day?Why do I let 20 ponds of padding make me feel like a loser and no one cares about my thoughts? Why do I let outside events consume me at times to the point where I don't even want to say my name? And then it clicked........spirituality. Some might find it in a religion. Some might find it in the mountains. Some might find it at the beach. Some might find it in mediation. For me it is a little bit of all of these things. When I take a little time in the day and my mind is still...I look at life in a calm and balanced way. Then it doesn't really matter that my pants are tight. It doesn't matter that my teenagers bicker. It doesn't matter that the checker is taking a long time at the grocery store. It doesn't matter that my tumor marker is up and the thought of my cancer returning doesn't have to rule me. It all seems to fade into the day and it rolls off my back. The best part of all this is that I can look at you and say with pride and love....MY NAME IS WOLFFIE.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So Mother's Day was this past Sunday. Before I get into my story, I want to give you a heads up that I had just done a wonderful 2 day road trip with College Studdette and I was tired and had not done meditation so my angle on life was skewed!!! Okay, so Running Stud came into my roon with fresh cut flowers from our garden and they were in a beautiful vase. I took in a deep breathe and thought this is a wonderful way to start the day focusing on me, me, me!!! We went to brunch which was lovely and when the gifts came, my mother did not have a card for me. She had the gift but no card. SHE ALWAYS GIVES ME A CARD. I went into a poor me pitty pot session (in my head) and my mood soured. We went to a restaurant to meet my in laws and the ambiance was not so great. I became cranky (I needed to eat as I did not have too much at the brunch) and really was quite nasty and acting like a spoiled brat. When the pizza came it was AMAZING and my mood lifted enough to enjoy the chatter and laughter with my family. We got home and I retreated to bed where I began to reflect on how I missed my daddy and I wish I could talk to him on Mother's Day. ( he died 4 years ago). My kids and hubby went off to various outings and I was a bit relieved because I got to wallow alone. When they got home I got beautiful cards and a fab necklace and bracelet. On our road trip College Studette found a book and bought it and hid it in her purse. So sweet!!! In the end, I had a great day. I find sometimes that I put so much emphasis on how I don't get to pick what I want to do on Mother's Day rather than the little things that my family does to make me feel a little more special for the day. So, next year I vow to look at the actions rather than the events. I am so blessed to have four kids who want to shower me in their individual ways. When they look me in the eye and say their name...there is a hyphen and a voice filled with love and admiration when they add WOLFFIES CHILD.

Oh yeah...that's what Mother's Day is all about.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-Four.....Move Over Sabotoge I Am Still In One Piece

Hi. In my last blog entry, I spoke about my struggles with weight. I now am a card holding member of Weight Watchers. Actually, I am considered a Lifetime Member which tells you that you reached a goal and in my case left the goal and am now back to reach a new goal!!! Oy!! This "club" comes with many benefits. I am accountable to show up every week because I pre-paid for my meetings. I also find there are great snacky foods for puchaseand I love their powders for making smoothies. I also am in a room with a bunch of women and men who do what I do. Sabotage. We get to laugh and really make connections as to why we do what we do. Case in point. On one of my jaunts with Weight Watchers, I lost a ton of weight. I looked really hot if I do say so myself!! I had lost baby weight from back to back pregnancies. I can't tell you how many times people came up to me and said......"You look so good. How did you do it?" I shyly responded with a "Thank-you. I cut my portions in half...blah blah blah" I would walk away with my inner voice ranting.."Take your car and go Micky D's for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, large fries and a Diet Coke....Now" There are a few things wrong with this scenario..............Why the diet coke and not a milkshake? For heavens sake if I am gonna blow my serenity and possibly gain weight..have the milkshake!!! Why would I want to eat this meal after working so hard to lose weight. Sabotage my blog friends is so f'd up!! In the past there was apart of me who just didn't want to succeed. I knew how to put myself down and not feel totally comfortable without chaos and self loathing. It has taken me years of going up and down in weight to really understand that my emotions don't have to rule me. I can be spiritually fit if I wear a bikini or a Mu mu. Honestly, I want to wear a one piece bathing suit because turning 50 has sent my body into a downward mode. Ya know boobs hanging..tummy hanging...BUT my wish is to not have to wear a cover up. Let it all hang low!!! I finally have come to understand that if I work my spiritual practice each day then life takes care of itself. I don't feel the need to eat over anything from losing a loved one or my nail breaking and all that's goes on in between. Am I ever gonna not want to sabotage? I can't say. I do know that when I meditate, am of service to others, that inner voice that calls for Micky D's is not hammering my inner dialogue. So, next time I get a compliment...I am gonna have a big ass smile on my face and just say....."Thanks"...That's it...just ....."Thanks". Oh, I might go down to the local bathing suit store to get a sexy one-piece!!!! Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. This sabotage things comes in many shapes and forms. Lets take my hair. I was growing it from a short do. It took about 1 1/2 years to get long. It was black and I had a 4 inch pony tale. This might seem trivial, but I have NEVER had a four inch pony tale!!! Anyways, I started getting the "Your hair is so long and cute" compliment and I had to talk my inner dialogue down and say..."Don't cut it". And I didn't...UNTIL..I realized that I am a short and sassy blonde hair kind of gal. It makes me skip a beat when I am walking and I feel fresh and perky. To feel fresh and perky at 50 is a gift. I had my hair cut and colored blonde. I love it. I often wonder...do people have inner dialogue and listen or argue with it? Am I crazy? I am thinking just honest. In the case of the hair.... which was the sabotage...the 4 inch pony or the short and sassy? Hmmmmm. Can you relate? More will be revealed Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more. In Love and Peace, Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-Three..What Creeps Up Can Come Down

Hi. I struggle with weight. I am going to have to date myself now.....do you remember the old Rolaids add? It talked about indiGEStion. It visually showed you how eating certain foods could make your stomach feel bigger and well you know gassy!!! Well that's how I feel about weight. I am in the ihavetoloseTWENTYpounds part of my cycle. My stomach is stretching out and well you know gassy!!! I am in the middle of my yo yo experience of weight loss. It seems to go into3-4 year cycles. I eat eat eat eat myself to a top weight and then I lose lose lose to my bottom weight. After about three years of keeping it off, I start to inch inch inch my way up up up. The good news is that this time I am stopping at 20 not letting myself get WAY up there on the fabulous scale. In my 40 plus years of struggle (not counting birth to 10), I have changed my attitude. My whole day was measured by what the scale said. I would have conversations with the scale...."Oh your doing doing good Wolffie!!!" or "Why is the number bigger. I have been SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD. Now I will tell you that the scale has never talked back to me but it definitely ruled me. If I was down I would skip off the scale and have a fabu day. If I was up, I would yell at the scale, jump off, call myself a few choice words (Ugly, fat...F'n ugly..you get the picture) and have a terrible day. I let numbers dictate how I was to feel. Absurd? I have now come to the point where I weigh myself only once a week. I don't talk to the scale. I don't name call. I am open to having a good day even though my pants are snug. I have evolved!!! I still want to weigh less. I still miss my tight jeans with my ass looking ever so fine....BUT......I am liking and even loving myself from within...because truth be told...I am a good person on the inside whether I am haute menopausal mama or a little bit chunky menopausal mama. So, as I eat better and lose the weight I am going to look at myself each day with a smile on my face and go out into the world knowing I am who I am and it's all good. Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I was driving my boys, Running Stud And Soccer Stud 1 to high school this morning and we were chatting about summer. It's getting close and I am so excited. I love summer. This summer especially because none of the Studs are going to summer school and College Studette will be home. We are going on a family vacay which we haven't done in awhile. Anyways, back to our conversation...Running Stud is going to a Altitude Training/Bonding camp with his Cross Country Team. Last year he told me I should go this up coming summer and chaperon. I asked him this morning if he was still cool with me going. I already told the coach I would go so I was a bit nervous about his answer. "I am so cool with you going..it's going to be a blast" (whew). OMG..this was my soon to be Sophomore Kid wanting me to go on a trip with him and his pals!!! I FELT LIKE SINGING. So, I have to think to myself.....it don't matter what I weigh...it matters how my heart sings. Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back fore more. Signing off until we meet again. In Love and Peace, Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-Two... When I Am Gone

Hi. I didn't have any idea what I was going to blog about today when i booted up my computer. I wanted to keep my commitment to myself to write at least once a week. When I did turn on my computer, my AOL news said that Elizabeth Taylor had passed away. Wow. What an icon. Not only is she beautiful and talented but a great friend and a humanitarian to boot. Need I say a romantic at heart? We all lived through her romances and enjoyed her movies. She spoke up about HIV/AIDS when few would publicly AND she helped to start AMFAR. Her voice led others to fight the fight and she is a hero in my book. Her legacy will live on in those who thrived because of her commitment to finding a cure for HIV/AIDS. Her beauty will live on in her movies.

When I am gone, will there be something that I will be remembered for? I am not talking about Mother Theresa or Princess Diana realm..but is there something? Just thinking about this makes me want to be a better person. The Hubby and College Studette will remember when I got cancer. That was a day that stopped time. The boys were too young to remember, but they got aftermath of it. They got my menopause mood swings and the fear and triumph of being a survivor. I hope they got that when adversity comes into your life, you can push through and get to the other side with dignity, faith and love.

Will I have brought laughter to those around me. I sure know as hell that my family will remember my impatience and yelling...but will they remember how we laughed? Laughter is the key to getting through anything. Humor can turn your mood around for sure.

Did I show my passion to others? Equality for all, finding a cure for cancer and helping green our planet. Did I show those around me that you can't turn a blind eye and if you want to be safe then you have to help others be safe too?

I feel a bit like I am preaching. I am still here on this planet..so I have work to do. I don't aspire to be the next Elizabeth Taylor..I just want my family and friends to feel like I am around even when I am gone. Is that too much to ask for?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. On a much lighter note, I was having a iced tea with College Studette and two of her friends yesterday. They are all home for Spring break. I love when they are around. It warms my heart and my estrogen feels like I got a huge boost. They are so happy and free. Anyways, we were talking about texting. This is how they do it:

"I can't hang out with you today because you bug me. Haha"

What's up with the Haha?!? That Haha says to me that it's okay to say a not so nice thing as long as I have a "Haha" it will lesson the blow and seriousness of the not so nice statement.. I don't get it. Do I tell my The Hubby that...

"Our checking account is overdrawn and the bank is threatening to close the account. Haha"? (not a real scenario mind you!). I don't think so!!!!

The girls and I had a huge belly laugh over the Haha. We made up funny scenarios and cracked ourselves up. The reality is that this generation doesn't think like me. They don't have the eye to eye uncomfortable conversations that I had when I was 21. I didn't break up by text message. (they didn't either..but it has been done!) My kids don't know from in your face conflict. They can IM, Text, Email their feelings and not deal with how it immediately affects the person on the other side. I try to explain that it is better to do things in person. I feel like when I am speaking they are TOTALLY tuning me out. Oh well. It's the times ...right? Bummer.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-One..What Was I Talking About?!?

Hi. There is so much on my mind today..I don't know where to focus. Focus..hmmmm...this is something that I find is hard to do sometimes. Is it ADHD? Is menopausal brain or lack there of? Okay...like I said I have so much that I wanted to talk about BU.... I can't remember whayt I wanted to say!!. IT was going to be profound and funny of course...where did the thought go? This is a problem on many levels. Sometimes, I want to have a heart to heart with one of the kids..and I lose my train of thought. Sometimes, I go into the house because I forgot something and I don't know why I re entered my house. Sometimes, I go to the market for a couple of things and I end up with a basket full of crap that I did not have any intention of buying and forgot what I went into the market for. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Am I alone in this? Do you sometimes feel like you are losing it?

Losing it...now I remember what I wanted to talk about! Losing weight. It is f*ing hard when you are a post menopausal women . I am 50 years old and supposed to be in my prime...but my body doesn't show anything but "oh you have a middle aged..i am so sorry'' body. What's prime about that? Isn't 50 supposed to be the new 30?!? Don't think so...at least in the body department. Now if I were to be completely honest (and you know I will be), I see a lot of hot over 50 mamas gallivanting around town in their tight work out clothes. Do they starve? Do they work out 4 hours a day? What is their secret? I could probably stand to lesson my portions of my healthy food consumption. It's always about those gosh darn portions..at least for me!!! I could probably stand to exercise more than I do but my knee is acting up. As I am writing this "EXCUSES"! keep going round and round in my ever so thick brain. Talking about excuses..I will give you some...."I am tired." "I have no time." "I don't like weights." "What's wrong with a bit of chocolate chips on my non fat frozen yogurt?" I think I want the results without the work. Don't you?!? When I was younger I could go on a Swiss Cheese and Nacho Cheese Doritos diet and lose weight ( I really did this and lost weight...at 19!!!). Now if I look at those foods, I gain weight! I guess the moral of this story is balance. Huh? How does one do that with four kids, , and hubby all the while trying to fulfill my inner child? I have yet to figure this balance thing out BUT I am trying!! I am TOTALLY a work in progress. Progress not perfection...right?!?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I went to my PFC meeting today and we had a speaker talk about raising healthy teenagers. My mind hurts a bit. They really have a lot more to deal with than I did when I was a teenager. There were times in the day when I could chill. Now with cell phones and Internet they really don't get a break from being bombarded with tweets, texting and keeping up on Face book. I have fallen into the technology trap myself. I find myself texting them throughout the day under the guise that if I don't text them, I won't remember what I want to talk to them about. This is partially true BUT I could jot a note for myself...but I run the risk of forgetting I wrote the note!! Isn't this really about instant gratification and instant results?!? Sometimes I wish I could pull in the reigns and let them be a bit more free from all the chaos the world throws at us. I do have some limits..like no texting at the dinner table. They can't play video games for hours on end and the computer doesn't come on until after homework is done. My guys do love to be outdoors kicking the soccer ball around. So all of the olden days is not lost. I just want to gain more of those olden days for them..Do you think they could survive living how we lived!!! Hmmmmmmm.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

One Hundred and Twenty......And The Rose Goes To...

Hi. I am finally coming out of having the awful flu. It really kicked my butt. Today I am taking it easy at home and watching on Tivo "The Bachelor: Women Tell All". Reeerrrrrr (that's the sound of a cat about to pounce!!) It's unbelievable to watch. I mean really, did these women truly believe that they were going to find their prince on national television?!? He can only pick one!!! I guess maybe they did. I can't imagine living in a house waiting to see if I was going home or getting "the rose". Its only natural that there would be cat fights and a lot of backstabbing. The clever footage show us all this. It takes guts to let the world see you make out in front of cameras all the while trying to have an intimate single or quadruple date. I don't think I could do it...BUT..I love watching this show for the pure entertainment value it brings me and my family. It opens up dialogue and brings much laughter in our home. Yes I love to yell at the TV pointing out the flaws and manipulation the girls are doing. My boys get a kick out of my passion. My weekly chats with my daughter.."Could you believe so and so"? or "I can't believe that so and so is still here. We all felt like we had the right to voice our opinions on who we thought was "the one" for Bachelor Brad!! Are we insane?!?

I love seeing all the beautiful places the show brings them to. I secretly want to be a fly on the wall getting a beautiful tan (sunscreen of course), eating delicious food and don't get me started on the clothes and bodies!! I want to have those clothes and I want those 20 something bodies!!! Who wouldn't? BUT..... finding love on national television with millions of people watching? It seems manufactured and that's not how to find love....at least not lasting love..Okay some of you might talk about Ryan and Trish...that's a rarity. They are soooo cute!!

What has our world come to? Do y0u think the next generation of failing in lovers will know that this is not reality for most of us? Do you think that they think that Jersey Shore and the Bachelor,and Bachelorette and all the tons of reality shows are the real deal? Do you think they will learn that intimacy is for all to see..in public. Do you think that they might realize that this is entertainment not how one falls in love? OMG...that's all I can say...OMG.

Why listen to Woffie? Because I get it. I have fallen in love twice in my life. Once when I was 19 and the other time when I was 26. The first time I was young and I fell hard and fast. It was a whirlwind of a relationship and as hard as I fell, I fell even harder in sadness when it was over. It took me years to get over him and I am not sure why. Fantasy on what it was maybe.

When I was 26, I met my soul mate. We dated. Took it slowly. I really liked who he was as a person. His passion for life and love really made me feel good when I was around him. After 4 months of dating..he got scared and broke up with me. I was a mess but I knew at that moment that this was the man I was going to marry. He asked me (smart guy) several months after we got back together to marry him and I said yes. Here we are 22 years married, four beautiful children and we have built a wonderful life together. He still makes me laugh and I still like who he is as a person.

I can't imagine sharing our journey through the lens of a camera for all the world to witness. There are some things that should be shared only by us and those we hold dear to our hearts...besides I don't want anyone yelling at the TV telling The Hubby to not give me a rose because I f'd up on the laundry or my chicken was dry. I would have been a goner along time ago!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Nineteen...Thanks to Julia and Julia

Hi. I have been home sick all week with the flu. High fever, aches and acough. Needless to say, I had to cancel my weekly writing of our blogs date with my pal. Who could think past the fogginess in my head? I must be getting on the mend because i am a bit bored and started to think about washing my greasy hair. I am caught up on all my Tivo shows...so I started flipping channels...and there it was...Julie and Julia. I LOVE this movie. This movie inspired me to start my blog. I set out to write everyday for 365 days and unfortunately life got in the way. And I thought I failed myself. But did I? I know that I have learned so much from writing this blog. I have found a voice inside my menopausal exterior. I have found that through humor I can get through anything and honoring my sadness is OK..As I watched Julie and Julia....I knew I had to blog today. I don't have much wit in my brain. I really want to sleep. Next week will I am sure the fog will be gone and I will be able to put a tale together. As I have said many times before; this is not about perfection. I am going to take my imperfect body, make a cup of tea and convalesce.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Funny story...hmmmm....funny story..hmmmm. In homage to the infamous Julia Child, I must share with you about how my kids feel about my cooking. I think they are bored with my cooking. I used to be a great cook. I had time and my kids were not as involved in life as they are now. Most nights we don't eat until 8;30. Who wants to eat a heavy scrumptious meal at that time? Not me. As it is I have put on some poundage since our late night suppers. And this is with eating so so meals. It's all about quick and easy. Did I share that I have a pescatarian in the mix? The Hubby is working on getting his cholesterol down, so now he is not eating meat or poultry. I support him in this, but it makes it hard to cook. I don't want to live on pasta as it seems that the pasta goes straight to my thighs and buttock. I am veering away from my story. We were having a nice evening and the subject of parents cooking came up. Soccer Stud One was raving about his friend's parents cooking. I mean on and on and my sphinxter was getting tight...and then the words came out...hold onto your seats...."Your an Ok cook" My jaw dropped.... "A what"? Did I mention that he had a few friends over?!? Truth be told...he is right. It just stung a bit to hear those words out loud. I have become a boring cook. I have lost my passion. Julia Child I am not. And guess what? I am not changing right now. We are in a phase of sports and schelping and I have to be OK with that. I have to admit something..half the time The Hubby comes home and says "What's for dinner" ?"I dont know..you tell me?" That's the one part that's going to have to change. So tonight it's baked potatoes and steamed veggies. Yum.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie