Day One Hundred and Sixteen...Do I Have To Know Everything?

Hi. Wow I can't believe it has been over two months since my last post! Let me tell you why this happened. I have been in a mental standstill. No creative juices flowing...actually not many thoughts flowing I was into eating my blues away. Can anybody relate? If I am to be entirely honest with my blog pals...I like to run from my feelings. It doesn't really matter if they are good feelings or bad feelings..I just like to run. Shall I give you an example? Okay...you don't have to twist my arm!! Here goes. Let's start with my blogging. I was so gung-ho in the beginning to blog every day. If Julia could cook and write her experiences every day for a year than why couldn't I?!? So, I started and my daily blog writing lasted awhile. Then...a feeling hit. It was a true sad feeling. My friend was dying..I couldn't take it..so rather than use the blog as a tool to push through...I stopped writing. I didn't feel funny..I had to be funny in order for people to like reading my rants. But is this really true? I didn't do a survey and ask. I just stopped; and really Wolffie, are you really all knowing? Can you see into people's hearts and minds? NOPE. So that emotional block added pounds of I can't believe I stopped writing, failed again AND gained 10 pounds.

Another case in point, my kids. I truly love them..all four of them. I just don't know how to make Running Stud, Soccer Stud One and Soccer Stud Two (College Studette is away at school) to hear me and respect me. Is this so wrong to ask of the kids that I carried around for nine months, fed them from my nipples, changes way too many stinky diapers, took them to mommy and me, shelped them for all their various sporting activities, shelped them to their religious studies and I am sure am forgetting something!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVED DOING ALL THIS FOR MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.....BUT, they are teenagers and they don't appreciate me anymore. WAHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. Who am I kidding? Me. I must confess that this part of my life put another 8 pounds on my growing girth! What planet am I on to think that teenagers even care about anyone but themselves..for the most part that is. Aren't they right where they are supposed to be? Planet Wolffie must go away. I say these words to my kids all the time (and it makes them crazy!), "Can you please step out of your world and into ours"!!!???!!! Shouldn't I take this oh so clever advice?!? YEP. So, I am breathing a lot. Tuning out a lot and focusing on their positive stuff and not the ones that annoy me to no end.Guess what? It's working. There is laughter in the house. We are getting along so much better...and I lost three pounds!!! Oh yeah baby!!!

Why listen to Wolfie? Because I get it. Once upon a time there was a girl maned Wolffie, a lovely girl, who had to know and plan her path. Oh it was hard for Wolffie. Oh so very hard; Because..life gives you road blocks and Wolffie wanted to plot out the beginning, middle and end of each experience. Very tiring. Situations would come into her path..and she would stop the experience and then think of herself as a failure. What was poor Wolffie to do? She knew she wasn't living the life she dreamed...but she couldn't stop planning. Then one day..a light bulb went off...I do not have to do this alone. I can step on a spiritual path and relieve myself of stopping when obstacles and pressures to be perfect get in the way. What a great idea Wolffie thought. Wofflie implemented this by mediating most mornings and writing her thoughts on paper. She gave her controlling and annoying need to be all knowing away and her life has been much better. There is no happy ending to this once upon a time story because.... life is still in session.

Moral of the story: Enjoy where you are because looking back or looking forward takes you away from where your feet are planted.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.
Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Fifteen...Yep....It's Coming

Hi. I went to the mail yesterday trying to hijack the bills when I saw it.....my AARP membership invitation. I thought to myself, " It's coming...your getting to be apart of the 50 and older club". I really didn't feel to bad about the little envelope with my fate of crossing over to my next phase in life...over de hill!!! I have been waitng for it. I heard that the AARP magazine has great articles and the membership is only $16.00 for a year. Super de duper cheap and you get so much. I get discounts on travel, car rental, prescriptions, health services AND they are fighting for my rights!! Not bad for 16 bucks. The Hubby (who is almost 53) did not join when he had the opportunity. He thought it was stupid. I think of it as a right of passage. This is probably one of the best benefits of crossing over to the older side of life. I filled out my info, wrote a check and popped it in the mail. In a few weeks time i will get my AARP kit AND I get a AARP travel bag. I have arrived!!!

Just to fill you in on my week..I am mentally and physically doing so much better. I ran twice this week with no knee pain. I ate really healthy. I was so charged up that I swore to myself that I lost at least 2-3 pounds. So with much excitement, I jumped on the scale. Was it going to be my friend or foe? Well if you looked only at the number, it was a for sure a foe, as the number did not budge....BUT I felt good because my weight did not go up? HIP HIP HOORAY!!!! So, friend it is. I believe half the battle of weight loss is mental. If this were to have happened last week, I would have sworn at the scale, jumped off and eaten whatever I wanted. Today, I just wanted to continue on this path of healthy eating and exercise. The weight will come off and if not this week then it will next week. Oh, the joys of being in the here and now really pay off. So, tomorrow I will get up and go for a early morning run before I am off to my life coach. (who is so fab BTW). I gotta work on the inside so I can have the desire to work on the outside.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When I went for my run yesterday, I rocked it hard. I did under a ten minute mile for both of my two miles. This is HUGE because I had the stamina to do it AND my knee didn't hurt. So, I run the lake a lot and have been doing so for years. My girlfriend and I walked the lake the other day (sandwiched in between my two runs) and she pointed out this tree which had a huge set of eyes and nose on the trunk. No mouth. No ears. Hear no evil and speak no evil..right!!! What this tree sees everyday as people pass by on their walks and runs must be very interesting. It observes us and takes in all the colorful conversations and the smells of the seasons. It keeps our secrets and watches our progresses. When she was telling me about the tree before I saw it I blurted out, "I could never notice that tree because I only look straight ahead and pray to my running g-d to please let me just finish the run". We laughed. I am so concerned with finishing my run that I overlook the beauty of where I am running. I overlook the smells of the seasons. On my run tomorrow I am going to nod to that tree as it watches me pass buy and thank him for the gift of being in the present, not yearning to be at the finish line.

Moral of the story: Be where your feet are not where your mind can take you.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Fourteen...The Joys Of Getting Older

Hi. My heart feels like it going to explode out of my chest. The clock is about to turn 12:00 am and I can't sleep. Pray tell, what going on? What's not going on? I have so much on my mind. Where do I start? Serious or humor?!? Hmmmm. Lets start with humor and see where it takes me.

My body is moving down. Gravity is not holding up my boobs. Well if I am honest...only one is drooping. Thanks to breast cancer, I have one perky radiated boob!!! Now, I had my mammogram last week and all was good. On November 23, I will be officially 10 years cancer free. Yippee!!! You would think I would be happy and don't get me wrong, I am ELATED...but I have feelings. My head is spinning. I think about my friends who lost the fight and I can't help but feel..guilt. I really need Cher right now. I need her to be her character in Moonstruck. I need a slap in the face and her telling me to "Snap outta of it"! Where is she?!?

Now back to my gravity issues. Along with my not so perky boob..I have the I am almost turning fifty in December body. And this is not the most uplifting thing. My love handles have turned into i am five months prego but is impossible stomach. Thanks to menopause,that is. All I can ask myself is.....WHY? OK, so maybe my portions have gotten a bit LARGE. Maybe since my knee injury, my exercise is almost nil. I just don't think it is fair that with age comes...plump. Why can't I eat like I did when I was younger and not gain weight? Why does gravity have to play a role in my life? Why? Why? Why am I whining? Answer? Because I want to!!! . I just feel so overwhelmed that all I want to do is...NOTHING.

Is there anybody out there in blog land who understands me? I feel so lost. I feel foreign to myself. I certainly don't feel funny. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel anything but....YUCKY.

The first step in anything is admitting. So, I hereby declare that I am feeling like a worn out, used up, middle aged momma. There. I said it. Now, I have to own it and change it. I do know that life begins at fifty. That's what they say in all the magazines and talk shows. Fifty is the new thirty. Huh? Really? When I was thirty I had perky boobs..a flat tummy...and I slept. I didn't have hot flashes. I didn't have cancer (I don't now..just the emotional aftermath of it)..I was care free. So, how is it that I can feel thirty again?

Okay...whining time is over. I have to shake this off and move on. I am going to get up tomorrow and buy a push up bra. I am going to get new thong undies that are cute and make me appear and hopefully feel sexy. I am going to eat healthy. I am meeting my running pal at 8:30. I am starting to run again after my injury in January. I am going to honor my tummy. I am going to honor my feeling lost and I am going to find my way back....to me.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. In the craziness of my gloom, I have felt light and sunshine and laughter. I have to thank the hubby and our kids for that. So, we have a new show that we watch together. It's called "The Middle". What I love most about it is the dysfunction!! It shows the flaws that families have. It pokes fun at family life with humor and I feel like I am NORMAL!!! Now that in itself makes me give the show an A+. My teenage studs, all three of them, gather on our bed and we watch this show and laugh our heads off. I make them rewind parts of each episode so I can laugh my head off. I feel so free. One could think..."How rude Wolffie. You are laughing at dysfunction" If truth be told..I am laughing about me. Cause when one laugh at others, aren't we really laughing at ourselves?

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Thirteen...All I Want Is A Good Night's Sleep!!!!!!!

Hi. It's 6:20 am on Sunday. The house is quiet.. The Hubby and The Kinder are sleeping peacefully. It's rather nice to have no rumblings occurring..and yet I cant help but wonder, why in the hell am I up when I don't have to be?!? Lets be honest. I have no control over my sleep patterns lately. I wake up several times in the night to pee. I have heard from The Offices of Them and They that if you don't drink any liquids after a certain time you won't have to pee. Well, I have tried that theory and it doesn't apply!! No matter what, the toilet G-ds are beckoning me at 2:30 am. Sometimes I can saunter into the bathroom, do my pee and get back into bed and go back to sleep quickly. This did not happen this morning. I sauntered in for my way to early in the morning pee and climbed back into bed when it happened.. PING...my eyes were wide open and my mind starting racing a mile a minute. The ever so annoying list started rattling off stuff in my head like a firring squad: YOU HAVE TO.....register the twins for high school, make sure Running Stud packed EmergenC in his bag for altitude training camp, make sure Soccer Stud 2 studies for his Bar Mitzvah training, try to figure out how to get everyone where they need to be while The Hubby is going off to a seminar, think about how I can lose weight, think about when I can exercise, start to get sad because College Studette is leaving for college in a day and how I am going to miss her, think about when I can help her pack in between the 2 soccer games I have to go to today, think about how I can get The Hubby to be on board for the interior paint job for our house, think about all the things I have to do for the PFC, think about getting to the Val Surf sale for back to school shopping for my Studs, think about when I am going to write my blog and finish my play and think about how I can shut off my ever so busy head so I can get back to sleep. The head didn't shut off. I am up and nothing got solved and I am ANNOYED with my head. At least I am blogging!!! Check one thing off the list!!! WoooHoo!!

What's causing my sleepless nights in Wolffieland? Is it menopause? Is it Crazy Mom who doesn't have time to breathe in the day so she has to think at 2:20 in the morning? Is this repairable? Cuz I am tired. I kinda know the answer..SLOW DOWN. Write lists before bedtime. Fit in exercise. Eat dinner earlier. Chill and live in the moment. AHHHH. Just saying that makes me feel better. Chill and live in the moment. Now this is something that The Offices of Them and They has to pass along. BTW...does anyone know who runs The Offices of Them and They?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Honestly, today I don't have a story to tell. Wolffie is tired. Wolffie is feeling a bit out of sorts. Wolffie does not feel funny and relate able today. Wolffie is gonna sign off and drink a Cup O Joe that The Hubby is getting right now. Wolffie is gonna chill so she ca be patient with her family, not over eat and have a peaceful day in the eye of the storm day that lies ahead of her!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

in Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Eleven....All Grown Up

Hi. Today was a day that will go down in my record book as...IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?!?

It was a business as usual summer day. Soccer Stud 1 and Running Stud had summer school. I dropped them off at 6:30, went for a 2 mile stroll around the lake, got a mani and pedi, came home to Running Stud 2 and a friend playing that g-d awful Call Of Duty and then it was time for my new job to begin. I have a Taxi service called, "will you schelp me here and there and everywhere all afternoon and all night long?" It's a great service fro those who hop in my car..it's free for them. It's $3.04 a gallon for me. I am losing money big time BUT like a taxi driver, I hear it all. Today was especially interesting.....

The subjects were about hot girls, soccer, hot girls, drugs, hot girls, test scores, hot girls, me being an airhead and getting lost, hot girls, drugs. OMG...these are my boys and their friends!! How did this happen? They are all grown up!!!! Here I was driving and listening to them talk about girls, who was doing drugs and I was clutching the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles were white. I was dying on the inside but very calm and collected on the outside. I have to have a poker face. I even laughed because some of it was funny...weird but funny. They were asking questions about mushrooms (not the ones you put in a salad!!), LSD, cocaine and there was sexual innuendos. Can I say this again....OMG, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? When did they grow up? I still feel like a kid, so how can we be here? I answered their questions with frankness, I mean if they are asking I shouldn't lie...right? The good news is that they were disgusted about the drugs...YEAH!!! They think it is stupid to trip on schrooms and acid. Thank G-d because they are 14. They said they know kids who have done all this stuff. Can I say it again....OMG. My boys are all grown up.. or at least they think they are. It seems like yesterday when I was changing billions of diapers and they were farting and burping. I rolled my eyes over that!! They still burp and fart, but now we are in a new hemisphere and I am not ready!! Tough shit Wolffie....the time has come and Wolffie has to deal. I did and I will continue to deal..but OMG!!!

The ride has started. My seat belt is strapped on and I have to be prepared for the roller coaster ride of high school. I made it through College Studette, so I know I will get through the twins and right behind them is Soccer Stud 2. All I can say is, thank g-d they talk to me and talk so candidly in front of me. Thank g-d for hair dye. I feel like I just inherited a new batch of grey!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. The other night I was out to lunch with The Hubby and my three boys. College Studette was out with her boyfriend. Usually I am the: uptight, please behave always trying to keep the guys in tow mom. For some reason this lunch didn't go that way. When I stop trying to be teacher and listen to my guys banter (The Hubby included), they are really funny. Running Stud always has a funny story to tell. "Got a fun fact for you. You know that I have an awesome six pack...right? So, at school the other day I pulled down my shorts way low and lifted up my shirt so someone would notice and comment on my awesomeness. I waited and waited. NOTHING." With a glimmer in his eyes and bowing his head down low he says: "Their loss." To say that we all cracked up would be an understatement. I couldn't stop laughing..all of us were practically peeing in our pants. It felt great to feel so free. It felt great to not scold. It felt great to be apart of. It felt great to have my boy feel confident. It was a day in the life of my family that I was glad to be apart of.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Ten...What Will They Think Of Me When I Am Gone?

Hi. A dear friend of ours past away two years ago. He was a great guy. The life of the party. His huge grin and loud voice permeated the room. You could not help but listen to his stories. He always had a sparkle in his eyes and his laugh was infectious. He chose a beautiful spot to be buried. The grass is green and manicured and there is a marble bench that you can sit on and reflect. I know this might sound grim and morbid but, we go there each year to honor Stu's life and reminisce. The cemetary is surrounded by mountains and you can hear birds churping..a lovely change from surburban Los Angeles vibe. This year we all brought (about 30 plus people) our own picnic lunch and blankets and we sat around and talked and laughed and told Stu stories. I loved it. Stu would have loved it. He liked nothing better than hanging with family, friends and schooming. My friend Julie got up and spoke a few words about her loss and how she has bugun to grow and change since her Stu is gone. I don't remember all of it but one tidbit stuck with me. I can't seem to shake it from my psyche: " It's not what you say..its not what you always do...it's how you make people feel."

Hmmmmmm. That resognated with me big time. I don't always like my sharp tongue. It can be hurtful. I need to remind myself daily to try to be kind. Sometimes I am and sometimes I am not. Usually my family gets the brunt of my moods. Why do we hurt the ones we love and cherish the most? Is it safe? Yes. It it right? No.

I want to leave this earth with knowing that I was the best Wolffie that I could have been. Talking about it is useless....living those words means more. How do I make people feel? How did I make people feel? What I do know is that I have the ability to look at myself and take stalk of my assets and flaws and try to change what I need to. It's not always easy...but it is rewarding. So ....now that I have heard these words and put them in my heart..I have to deal. I have to be kinder and softer to my ever so annoying and self centered teenage boys. (and The Hubby and daughter too!!) The boys are right where they are supposed to be. I have to buck up and be the mature mommy (and wifey). I have to bite my lip, take many deep breaths and try to ignore the looks and the tone that they give me. The little girl in me is screaming, "Do I have to? Why can't they appreciate ME!?!" Deep down in their hearts I know they do. Sometimes I do get the look of love, the quick hug and even a I love you. That's what my focus should be. Right?!?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I used to HATE when my mom started a sentence with: "How many times do I have to ask you to.....(fill in your own blank). It really ANNOYED me to no end. I would tune her out at how many!!! Fast forward to my life as a mom of four. This statement comes out of my mouth at least 100 times a day. I might be exaggeratng a bit, but it feels like that's all I ever say. "How many times do I have to tell you to: put away your dishes, pick your clothes up from the floor and put them in the hamper, don't turn on the stupid Call of Duty( this game makes my ass tight!!!) until your homework is done, do the dishes...I could go on but I am exhausted thinking about it. I have turned into my naggin mom!! Don't get me wrong...I LOVE MY MOM. She is my best friend. I just didn't love that drill sergeant part of her. What I didn't understand then that I do now is...she wanted help. Who doesn't? I know for me...I need a bit of order. If it were up to my kids our house would be a complete mess. Piles of crap everywhere, not a bed made, not a article of clothing washed and they would be on the computer or playing video games for hours on end. Oh that world gives me the heebie jebbies. So..I have to be it.... a nagger. The only saving grace is that I am not alone. My friends share their plights, and I have even heard them say the dreaded how many times do I....many a time. In a sick way, I feel relief. Is that so wrong?!?!?!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Nine...To Be Zen And Not So Zen

Hi. The day started with my new ritual: up at 5:30(ouch) to do my reading, writing and meditation. I woke the twins up at 6:00 for summer school, dropped them off and was at the gym to ride the stationary bike and to do laps in the pool. I came home, took a shower and went to a 12 step meeting. Afterwards, I had breakfast with a few girlfriends and went to my favorite gift shop to buy a birthday present for a friend. Sounds Zen doesn't it? I was on my way home to hang out with Soccer Stud 2 who just got home from sleepover camp yesterday. I felt so calm when all of a sudden I felt this weird pull in my ever so fab Ford Flex. It was kind of scary. I glanced at the odometer....0 miles to empty. OH SH*T. No biggie I thought to myself...been here...done that...I will coast to the gas station. WRONG. I pulled over to the side of the road and called my friend who owns the gift shop. The machine went to voicemail. I called again. Voice mail. I called my daughter and woke her up at the ripe hour of 11:00 am. She was going to come to the rescue.

As I awaited for my College Studette to come, I was totally relaxed. I couldn't change the situation..right? I began to ponder about why I wait to get gas until I am bone dry. I like the rush of , will I make it? I always do and I get this feeling of dimwit accomplishment that yet again I beat the odds of zero fumes until I make it to the pump. I always marvel at how my tank only is supposed to hold 17 gallons and I managed to get more in the tank. Whoo Hoo Wolffie, you rock!!! I have to tell you that this time it wasn't my fault..and I mean this with all the sincerity I can muster up. I got my oil changed a couple of weeks ago and the oil guy asked about some button that he has to press to let the car know that the oil is at 100%. HUH? A button? I had no clue...so off I went into driving land. The other day the car was ringing and telling me I was at 3% oil, 1% oil and then at 0 % oil. I knew that this was wrong, so I ignored it. Wouldn't you have? It wasn't showing me that my gas tank was on empty! Heavy , heavy sigh.

My Night in shining Armorette came driving in her Xbox with the gas can in hand!!! Now the last time I actually ran of of gas was when I was 16. My dad was ever so pissed. It was pouring and cold. I was near a 76 station and all I had was the Arco credit card. I was plum out of cash so I had to make the call. No debit cards back then in the dark ages. The gas can was metal and had a long spout that was easy to pour in the tank. Now it is plastic and the spout is weird and hard to maneuver. It took my girl and me about 20 minutes to figure out how to uncap it. I poured gasoline all over me. My Zen state was gone. I was cursing at the tank and cursing at the gas can. I was getting a wee bit unnerved with my Armorette, but I had to stop myself because she was there to help and save me!!!We finally figured out how to get it to work. Most of the gas was on the sidewalk or my hands. I drove to the gas station, filled up the tank and I only poured in maybe a half gallon of gas (my girl bought 2 gallons!!). Did I mention that I had to pee the whole time?!? We got home from my less than Zen debacle, I peed and all was Zen again.

What did this experience teach me? I will NEVER let it get to 0 miles to empty again!!!! Well, maybe I can let it get to 5 miles to go. Not sure that I want to let go of the rush just yet!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I don't think that I am ever going to get the Mom of the Year award...but I do think that I am a great mom. Do I have shortcomings? Maybe a few :) (hundred!!!). So I mentioned earlier that Soccer Stud 2 was at sleepover camp. The day before he left I went to Target to get the toiletries he needed along with snacks, a fan and a spanking new soccer ball. We laid out his clothes. packed and I put the sleeping bag by his suitcase. In the morning the hubby put the stuff in the car and off we went. The camp was about an hour away. We got there and stood in the long line to register him in. I had this strange feeling and voiced it to The Hubby: "Did you bring the sleeping bag?" The Hubby's look said it all....a blank stare.... Sleeping Bag? I
f 'd up. Oh yes he did!!!! I couldn't believe it. "You didn't pack the sleeping bag?!?!?!" I could feel the glare from the oh so perfect moms who brought their kids sleeping bags who were in line behind us. I whispered to them in a oh so mortified whisper, "Welcome to my world." I didn't really mean it. The Hubby is awesome. Was it really HIS fault? No, it was just an oversight. I mean, I didn't do the checking to see if everything made it out to the car. I just couldn't and didn't want to share in the, 'i can't believe this happened' blunder. I let him take the fall in front of those moms. Who were they really? I will never see them again. I just didn't want to look bad in their eyes. Soccer Stud 2 slept with a towel that night (he did have a fitted sheet). I felt AWFUL. I was going to run him down one the next day but I called the dorm mom and she got him a blanket. So he was warm and safe and all was well again. Oh did I mention that The Hubby didn't take the suitcase out of Soccer Stud 2's bedroom? Soccer Stud did...see he forgot the sleeping bag...not us!!!!

Moral of the story: Make a list, check it twice and look in the damn car before you take off.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie