One Hundred and Thirty-Two....I Love You Says It All

Hi. I woke up from a dream today that seemed so real that it sent me into tears. My friend passed away 1 year and ten months ago...today. I think of her daily and I really miss her. All that knew her feel the same way. She had a quality that not too may people possess. She made you feel like you were a special beyond words and she made you feel safe. She was a diamond in the ruff.

In this dream, we were laughing and talking and driving. I swear to you g-d that it felt real. When I bolted up from this dream, it took me awhile to get my bearings and slowly I realized that this was not reality... only a beautiful dream. A couple hours later as I am writing this, tears are still swelling and I truly feel blessed to miss someone so much.

I am not a dream analyst but I think this dream was powerful. I get so caught up in the minutia of my day to day life that sometimes I don't understand the power of friends and family. I take for granted the love I feel for The Hubby and my four kids, family and my friends. I don't always take the time to look in their eyes and say "I love you". Sure, I say 'Love you" at the end of a phone call or I shout "Love Ya" as the kids are jamming out of the car to get to class or wherever they are off to. I mean it. It's just not heartfelt. There's nothing like someone looking you in the eye.....and saying to your soul..a meaningful I love you. It warms my soul when it is done to me. I mean really, how long does it take to do this act of kindness to those you appreciate?!? Three seconds tops!!!!

So after my rambling on, the point I want to make to myself (and you who are reading my ramble) is that after all is said and done....family and friendships are the cat's meow. It's great to be a success at your job, acing an A on a test, running a sub 5 in a race, scoring the winning goal, going to a outdoor concert in the snow,finding the jeans you were coveting and getting them on sale....oh yeah these are all great things.....BUT.......do these make you feel safe? Do these things make you feel complete? Do these things make your heart melt? Okay, so getting the jeans on sale is a biggie!!!! What truly makes me smile is when I can see love in the eyes of those that hold a special place in my heart.

So, my dear friend Betty. I honor you today. Dreaming with you meant the world to me. Loving you was easy in life and still is since you have passed. I must never lose sight of the importance of laughter and what joy it brings to relationships. I must never lose sight of the importance of taking time to look into the eyes of those I cherish. I must never lose sight of time. I must take each day and open my heart to the possibilities it brings to me and what I can do for others.

Moral of the dream? Take time to laugh...and let others know you love and care for them to the depths of their souls.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. My dad died 5 years ago. We had a nice relationship. It took some time to cultivate. He was stubborn and so was I. But we found our groove. It was a simple relationship as far as our words. We did have in depth conversations from time to time but mostly it was simple and profound...but easy. He lived a couple of hours away.so we did talk on the phone..short and sweet conversations. I always ended saying I love you and he said...me too. On the day he died, we had a great conversation. He was cheerful and telling me how happy he was. He was talking about a photograph that was taken of him with my brother and nephew. He felt like a model!! He was going on and on and I had to abruptly get off the phone. Later that evening, I phoned my parents at the exact time he died. Weird, Huh? I didn't leave a message when the recording came on. I didn't leave a I love you. I don't remember if I said I love you in our last conversation earlier in the day. It haunts me.

Moral of this story? Just say it....just do it.....show those you love that they mean the world to you....always...cause you just don't know when the last time is. celebrate love!!!

Can you relate?More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Thirty-One....Sometimes it's You

So it's the holiday time and so much goes on with family dynamics. I remember as a child that my grandma used to always bring hard as a rock fruit cake to my Aunt and Uncle's for Christmas. My Aunt and Uncle did not like hard as rock fruit cake...but could they really tell my grandma that? Then there was always someone who drank too much and told stories that would totally embarrass someone. Inevitably, someone would receive a gift that was unwanted. My family was and is very colorful and when I was young, I couldn't wait to see who would say or do something that was not totally appropriate. It always happened.....and I always got to giggle and when I became a teenager. I got to roll my eyes with either embarrassment or disdain. What family doesn't have a little drama at the holidays?!?

So, this year that person was......ME!!! We were invited to our friends annual holiday open house. We always look forward to it. Great friends...a lot of laughter...and totally to die for fab food. The Hubby and Running Stud were going for a bike ride this Christmas morning and they had their route all planned out....a nice two hour bike ride. They were getting a late start and The Big Kahuna (me) told them "gotta shorten your ride...we have to be dressed and out by 11:15 to get there by 12:00" The Hubby's reply..."I think the party starts at 1:00" "No..it's 12:00...don't be late." So my ever so compliant Hubby did as was suggested (told) by me, The Big Kahuna, and made it back, showered and was ready to go by 11:25.

We got to the party house promptly at 12:00 and there were no cars there.. I was proud that we were on time and the first ones there!!!! We rang the buzzer to get in and we were greeted by the party hostess....."You guys are a bit early..we are exchanging gifts...I hope it won't make you feel uncomfortable"......I WANTED TO DIE!!! My kids all rolled their eyes and whispered.."good one mom" (couldn't really blame them). I said we could come back and she insisted we stay. The ever so fab food wasn't out yet, the host explained (didn't think he needed to apologize!) . I sat in the back of the room and watched them exchanging their gifts with the great grandparents, grandparents and kids...it was sweet to see and I felt a bit more close to my already close friends. We ended up hanging and spending quality time which we would not have had if we were on time. We had exclusive rights to the party host and hostess. We got to eat the ever so fab food with no one else cutting in line and not judging us for pigging out...so sometimes it's worth it to be the faux-pah!!! Oh, I didn't mention that The Hubby never told me..."I told you so" ( I so would have said that)!!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I wish that I could say that I have never been the faux-pah before...but that would be a big fat lie. I wish I could blame my being the faux-pah because of my menopausal brain....but that would be a lie. Lets go back 23 years. The Hubby and I were engaged and we were on the wedding circuit. We had a wedding to go to of a high school buddy of mine. It was July and the wedding was in the San Fernando Valley. It was blistering hot and my Fiance wasn't too keen on getting dressed up in a suit and tie. We got to the wedding and we walked in, signed the guest book and I dropped our gift at the present table.We were milling around the room waiting for the ceremony to start. Where were my friends?!? I looked around the room and didn't recognize anybody. I got this sinking feeling that I was at the wrongwedding. I asked someone and I was correct in my assumption. I WANTED TO DIE!!! We fled the scene, got into the air conditioned car...and I remembered....."Oh Shit, I left the gift"!!! My ever so calm Fiance replied, "I'll wait while you get it". REALLY?!? I went in, hijacked the gift and ran out of there as fast as I could in my high heels...It was a sight that would have gotten mega hits on you tube!!!!! Can you imagine the bride and groom reading the guestbook thinking.."Who is Wolffie and Fiance"?!?!?! My buddy's wedding was actually the next week...and it was beautiful...and a much better crowd...maybe because I knew the bride, groom and the guests!!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Thirty.....Tis the Season to be?

Hi. Tis the season to be....?

I often wonder why it is that with the spirit of giving, people are CRAZY and MEAN!! I find that the stress of making the holidays perfect for loved ones...people forget that strangers are trying to do the same thing. So, please don't cut me off on the freeway. Please don't cut in line at the market. Please don't scowl while I am doing a bank deposit that might take a bit longer. Please don't take the shirt I was about to buy for my son who REALLY wanted it (I found something else). Please don't take my parking spot at the mall that I had been waiting for FOREVER (and I might add that my blinker was on). I guess what I am trying to say is, get your head our of your ass and CHILL.

I used to be one of those "I have to get things done, buy the best gifts, make my house oh so perfect" holiday peeps. Then a few years ago, I had to take a step back and realize I was miserable and I was bringing my loved ones down the misery road with me!!! Heavy sigh. I cut down on the amount of gifts I bought my kids. Who am I in competition with? Do my kids think I love them any less if I don't shower them with crap they don't need? I saw them open their gifts with no realization as to what they were getting because they were on to the next gift. So three instead of eight or nine really made them aware of what they were getting and I really picked things that I knew they would like.

This year will be a year of 3 gift year again, yummy food, and feeling blessed that my kids are around. They still want to hang with me and the hubby which for me is the best gift of all.! They don't have the look in their eyes or the attitude of: "Why am I here with my folks when I could be anywhere but here"? I'll take this gift every year...unwrapped!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. My birthday is on Christmas Eve. It is not the best day to be born if you want the focus on you, you, you!!! As a kid, my folks gave me 1/2 birthday parties in June so my pals could come to my parties. It was great. As a grown-up, my birthday has been coined "Wendy-Eve" (cute,,,huh!!!). I do like the attention..I do like the gifts...but now I really enjoy spending time with my kids and hubby. I used to want a big fuss made for me, over me and about me..and I was always let down. No one could ever meet my expectations!!!! Hell, I could never meet my over indulgent expectations!!! So, now I don't have any... well one....to be with my family. I don't care what we do.....I just want us to be together.....with no yelling and bickering....just love and good cheer (is this an expectation?!?)

Age has taught me not to look beyond what is in front of me. To expect things will only lead to disappointment. I try to look what's smack dab in front of me and enjoy.

Tis the season to........enjoy life, laugh often and be grateful for all the blessing I have.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Twenty-Nine...It Still Stings

Hi. Today is November 27, 2011. It seemingly feels like it's going to be a beautiful day in Southern California. It is the end of a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. We had family come from high and low. We had fabulous food, laughter and even Black Friday was a success. On the 23rd was my 11th anniversary of my breast cancer. This is all so wonderful and yet my heart is sad today because my daddy is not here and it is his birthday.

I can't believe that this December will mark the 5th year of my dad's passing. The sting is still with me. When I think of the accident, my heart still stops and I can't catch my breath. It's not something I talk about because....shit... it's been 5 years. Shouldn't I be over the shock by now? Shouldn't I be able to have a day go by and not think of how I would like to tell my daddy about my day? Shouldn't I be able to not always look for butterflies to see if my daddy still hovers over me and my brood? Shouldn't I be able to just move on? Who set up the Shouldn't list anyways?!?

I don't want to give you the impression that I live my life in constant gloom. doom and grief. I do not. I have so much joy and laughter sprinkled with a bit of craziness due to teenage testosterone, being a PFC President (which my dad would be laughing at cause I am not usually the Big Kahuna!) and the constant events that come at you because you are living your life. I do see the world with rose colored glasses most days....BUT losing my dad so suddenly has really changed me. I wasn't ready. None of my family was. I had a lot more life to share with him. We were in a groove. I was a daughter, a friend and confidant. I loved where we were. I miss where were going.

In honor of you, I write this with sadness and love. I write this with the hope that my kids will one day see me as their friend. It takes time and cultivation. I look forward to it. I welcome it. So for now, I will try to be the best mom I can be. I know that I have my work cut out for me because kids have to live their lives and that comes with the need and desire to f*ck with their parents. I know that my kids are smart and they think I don't know ANYTHING about ANYTHING!!!! I have to learn not to explode, smile and shut my pretty mouth and keep silent because boy did I think my shit didn't stink and my parents shit did. I thought that they knew NOTHING about the angst of my teenage and early 20's. How could they?!? They were so OLD. I don't know how it happened and why it happened, but one day I looked at my dad and I saw his wisdom. I understood his sense of humor. I accepted him...flaws included. We understood each other. It took time, work, forgiveness, love, humor and honesty. We got there and I miss it.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I was 20 years old and I was not in a great way. I had just took a leave of absence from college (okay I quit), was living at home and feeling like my life was OVER. I didn't know what I wanted to pursue for a career path, I didn't have a boyfriend (he dumped me), and my friends were all over the country going to college, getting married and living what seemed like a happy go lucky life. I felt so alone. My dad was having a work crisis as well. He was at a crossroads. We spent many an hour talking about the choices we had. Me just starting out in the adult world and him wanting to wind down. "If you could be anything in the world...what you you be?" I chose a writer and he chose a philosopher living in a shack at the beach. We both encouraged each other to go for it. He didn't and neither did I. Fear for me and obligations for him. That day was a life changer for me. I took him off the pedestal that I placed him on and he sat right next to me until the day he died.

Moral of the story: We are only as human as we allow ourselves and others to be.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. please come back for more.

in Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Twenty-eight...A Day In The Life Of A Frantic Fashionista

Hi. I have wanted to write about my experience at the Target Missoni Launch. I needed to decompress first though because it was a once in a lifetime experience. I wish I could say it was a fantastic experience. It was not. It was intense, funny, disappointing and poignant. Are all these emotions possible in a 30 minute period? I am telling you...yes, yes, yes!!

I get a text from my pal at 9:25 am the day before the big Missoni Day.. She is a fellow Fashionista. She asked me if I wanted to join her at the Target Missoni Launch at 8:00 the following morning. Hmmmmmm. Sh*t yes I do!! We text back and forth about which Target to go to since there are a million near us in a 15 minute vicinity. I will admit to you my blogging pals that I couldn't sleep all night because I went on-line and saw the Look Book and was salivating over all the clothes, home accessories, shoes...and the list went on and on. I couldn't wait. I awoke extra early (after barely having any shut eye) and got dressed in a proper" I am going to be a Fashionista getting some cute clothes look"....comfy yet chic.

I arrived at 8:01 to find the doors opened and women rushing in with there shopping carts going at full speed to enter Target. I started to run and then when I reached the door to find a gridlock...I panicked. There will be NOTHING for me to buy....and I was right. It was 8:03. These fellow Fashionista's were grabbing everything in sight. They were stealing things from other carts. They had a "I am going to fu*k you to get what I want look in their eyes". I was scared!! I became calm and called my friend on her cell to tell her...I am outta here....and then the I saw her.... she had picked stuff out for me!! Now that is a nice Fashionista!!!

The staff started bringing out boxes from the back and the Fashionista vultures were diving their heads and hands in the boxes to get anything. They stopped caring about what they wanted...THEY HAD TO GET IT ALL. I retreated and waited. My friend calmly got things and piled them into our cart. We eventually found a quiet spot (way hard to do) and started to try on our finds. Cute..but do I need it all? Nope. I got a few things and we left. We decided to go to another Target to see if we could get more!! I found a super cute floral jacket..in the kids section...it fit..so no what matter what..it was mine. Bought that, took 2 pieces back. And then I realized that my "Fashionista cute I am going to get some cute clothes comfy yet chic outfit" was missing it's long sleeveless vest!!! I went back to the original Target. Not there!! Someone took my vest!! I was stunned. How could a fellow Fashionista do that?!? I ended going to a third Target to return everything but the jacket and two candles (one for a birthday gift). What a morning!!! Namaste!!!

Moral of the story: If you have to be a frantic Fashionista..it just aint worth it.

Why listen to Wolffiie? Because I get it. After leaving my Missoni crazed morning, I had to go to my oncologist to get my blood work done. I had received a call a few days earlier telling me that my oncologist was no longer going to be practicing in the office. I was overwhelmed with sadness. When I went to get my lab work done, I was hoping to find that he was just taking a little time off and maybe going to another practice. I would follow him to Timbuktu if I had too. When I walked into the waiting room, I had felt a sense of doom. He's wasn't ever coming back. I spoke with a few of the nurses and no one had an answer as to why he was leaving. I spoke with a doctor and he assured me that he was healthy. He said I deserved an explanation and it couldn't be from him. Tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't talk because of the lump in my throat. This man was my doctor, my protector and my friend for 11 years. I felt like the rug had been ripped from beneath me and all I wanted was the warmth back. I am blessed to be cancer free for many years. I am blessed to have had this man as my doctor. I am blessed to have been understood in a time when I couldn't make sense of having cancer and then the fear of it possibly coming back. I wish him peace, health and serenity.

So in the end my blogger pals, I have to ask myself...is Missoni the end all be all?!? How quickly can I reply...NOT.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred Twenty-Six.....Do I Choose Fear or Faith?

Hi. This last week has made me feel so grateful and sad at the same time. I lost an old dear friend to cancer last week. 53 years young and a beautiful woman. She taught me how to be a a business woman at the ripe age of 26. I was 23. She was a role model and friend and I will miss her. I went to another memorial service yesterday for the team mom from Running Studs' Cross Country and Track Teams. A wonderful, caring and upbeat woman who never let her cancer get in the way of supporting her son and all the team. Comendable and awe inspiring. Seeing all the high school kids there to support their friend and pay tribute to their team mom, was both beautiful and sad. Seeing their pain and discomfort made me want to take them all in a big group hug and not let go. Instead I gave them an individual squeeze and I realized later that it was not only for their comfort...I needed it too.

Cancer is a tricky thing. Here I am almost 11 years out...healthy and living a rich full life. I sit there in these services of my contemporaries and I feel so sad and so grateful. Mixed feelings. In the past, I would have to retreat to my bed for a few days to escape the world and live in fear of when will it be my turn. Will the cancer come back for me? I would veg under the guise of catching up on all my Tivo shows..but the reality is that the world seemed too much to exlore. I got caught up in fear and not faith. I got caught up on what could be rather than what is. It was easier and safe to pull the covers over my head, so to speak.

So, this past week, I could have easily retreated to my world of despair. It is comfortable in times of fear....but I chose not to. Instead, I awoke at the early hour of 6:30. Not because I love getting up so early on a summer morning when my kids are sleeping until 11:00. It's the Menopause. It's natures way to let my body have a couple of hours to not ache before I have to start my day. It's my mind starting to race with all I have to do in the day. I really miss sleeping until 11:00. Oh well..it is what it is!!!

Okay...Menopause tangent is over!! Back to fear and faith. I had an epiphany last week at my friends memorial service. She was always out there helping people. She helped so many with her honesty, compassion and her positive energy. In my years as a cancer survivor, I have talked and walked many women through the beginnings of their cancer journeys. One day, I just couldn't do it. I put conditions on when I could help. I always would help a dear friend and if someone was close to a dear friend I would with reluctance, and then I found that I did it less often. I talked myself into the fact that I was wanting to move forward and not wanting to relive my past. True statement.....BUT...I let fear get in the way. I made it about me...not them. I didn't realize this until recently. I am human. I make mistakes. I can be selfish and not know it at the time.

So, in honor of my friends life, in gratitude of my life and in being a women who likes to be of service to others...I am saying F**K the fear...and be apart of life. Help others. Mentor those who are in the grips of fear and show them the way out. Kiss The Hubby with passion daily. Listen to my kids and let them soar. Embrace life. Open my eyes to all that lies in front of me.

Moral of the story: when my feet touch the floor..make my bed..and let the day begin.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. We were in Hawaii this summer and we were going on an excursion from our hotel. It was a snorkel day. I don't love to snorkel, so I was going with the flow and trying to be a trooper. We got to the spot to find out that we had to kayak to the location. I went into panic mode. So as the mature woman that I am...I stomped my feet and said "I am not going". In the end, I went...loved kayaking..and fell in total love with the fishies!!! I chose faith not fear. Yipeeee!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Twenty-five....How Do You Say Your Name?

Hi. I was sitting in my Weight Watchers meeting this morning ( stayed the same for two weeks...boo hoo) and a fellow weight watcher was talking about how she wants to lose weight, get back into a bikini and find a man. Well, that statement stirred up major conversation amongst my fellow weight watcher gals!!! Some focused on how you need to like who you are on the inside regardless about how you look on the outside. Others talked about how they want to get into the bikini as well and then life would be fine. I just sat and listened which is a rarity for me!!! The woman who prompted all the dialogue went on to say that her husband had died and she had been depressed and ate ate ate. Now that I can relate too. Well in all honesty I can relate to it all. I want to strut my stuff in Hawaii when we go this summer in a brand spanking new colorful swimsuit. No black to make myself appear thinner...color, color, color. Not sure my body and mouth are on the same page, but I am trying. Then out of nowhere, our leader asked a question that made me smile and cry at the same time......HOW DO YOU SAY YOUR NAME????

My immediate response to myself (remember I was quiet as a mouse today) was HUH?!? What does this bullshi*t mean, how do I say my name? Then it struck me. When I am feeling down about myself, I bow my head and advert any eye contact when I say softly, wolffie. Other times when I am feeling a bit better about life I will look you in the eye with a bit more oomph and say Wolffie. When I am feeling fine and confident and I have a strut in my step I look into your eyes head on and say with bold conviction WOLFFIE. This little exercise really was an AHA moment. Why can't I be a bold and confident WOLFFIE all the time? Why do I let the small stuff get in the way of enjoying each day?Why do I let 20 ponds of padding make me feel like a loser and no one cares about my thoughts? Why do I let outside events consume me at times to the point where I don't even want to say my name? And then it clicked........spirituality. Some might find it in a religion. Some might find it in the mountains. Some might find it at the beach. Some might find it in mediation. For me it is a little bit of all of these things. When I take a little time in the day and my mind is still...I look at life in a calm and balanced way. Then it doesn't really matter that my pants are tight. It doesn't matter that my teenagers bicker. It doesn't matter that the checker is taking a long time at the grocery store. It doesn't matter that my tumor marker is up and the thought of my cancer returning doesn't have to rule me. It all seems to fade into the day and it rolls off my back. The best part of all this is that I can look at you and say with pride and love....MY NAME IS WOLFFIE.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So Mother's Day was this past Sunday. Before I get into my story, I want to give you a heads up that I had just done a wonderful 2 day road trip with College Studdette and I was tired and had not done meditation so my angle on life was skewed!!! Okay, so Running Stud came into my roon with fresh cut flowers from our garden and they were in a beautiful vase. I took in a deep breathe and thought this is a wonderful way to start the day focusing on me, me, me!!! We went to brunch which was lovely and when the gifts came, my mother did not have a card for me. She had the gift but no card. SHE ALWAYS GIVES ME A CARD. I went into a poor me pitty pot session (in my head) and my mood soured. We went to a restaurant to meet my in laws and the ambiance was not so great. I became cranky (I needed to eat as I did not have too much at the brunch) and really was quite nasty and acting like a spoiled brat. When the pizza came it was AMAZING and my mood lifted enough to enjoy the chatter and laughter with my family. We got home and I retreated to bed where I began to reflect on how I missed my daddy and I wish I could talk to him on Mother's Day. ( he died 4 years ago). My kids and hubby went off to various outings and I was a bit relieved because I got to wallow alone. When they got home I got beautiful cards and a fab necklace and bracelet. On our road trip College Studette found a book and bought it and hid it in her purse. So sweet!!! In the end, I had a great day. I find sometimes that I put so much emphasis on how I don't get to pick what I want to do on Mother's Day rather than the little things that my family does to make me feel a little more special for the day. So, next year I vow to look at the actions rather than the events. I am so blessed to have four kids who want to shower me in their individual ways. When they look me in the eye and say their name...there is a hyphen and a voice filled with love and admiration when they add WOLFFIES CHILD.

Oh yeah...that's what Mother's Day is all about.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie