Day One Hundred and Ten...What Will They Think Of Me When I Am Gone?

Hi. A dear friend of ours past away two years ago. He was a great guy. The life of the party. His huge grin and loud voice permeated the room. You could not help but listen to his stories. He always had a sparkle in his eyes and his laugh was infectious. He chose a beautiful spot to be buried. The grass is green and manicured and there is a marble bench that you can sit on and reflect. I know this might sound grim and morbid but, we go there each year to honor Stu's life and reminisce. The cemetary is surrounded by mountains and you can hear birds churping..a lovely change from surburban Los Angeles vibe. This year we all brought (about 30 plus people) our own picnic lunch and blankets and we sat around and talked and laughed and told Stu stories. I loved it. Stu would have loved it. He liked nothing better than hanging with family, friends and schooming. My friend Julie got up and spoke a few words about her loss and how she has bugun to grow and change since her Stu is gone. I don't remember all of it but one tidbit stuck with me. I can't seem to shake it from my psyche: " It's not what you say..its not what you always do...it's how you make people feel."

Hmmmmmm. That resognated with me big time. I don't always like my sharp tongue. It can be hurtful. I need to remind myself daily to try to be kind. Sometimes I am and sometimes I am not. Usually my family gets the brunt of my moods. Why do we hurt the ones we love and cherish the most? Is it safe? Yes. It it right? No.

I want to leave this earth with knowing that I was the best Wolffie that I could have been. Talking about it is useless....living those words means more. How do I make people feel? How did I make people feel? What I do know is that I have the ability to look at myself and take stalk of my assets and flaws and try to change what I need to. It's not always easy...but it is rewarding. So ....now that I have heard these words and put them in my heart..I have to deal. I have to be kinder and softer to my ever so annoying and self centered teenage boys. (and The Hubby and daughter too!!) The boys are right where they are supposed to be. I have to buck up and be the mature mommy (and wifey). I have to bite my lip, take many deep breaths and try to ignore the looks and the tone that they give me. The little girl in me is screaming, "Do I have to? Why can't they appreciate ME!?!" Deep down in their hearts I know they do. Sometimes I do get the look of love, the quick hug and even a I love you. That's what my focus should be. Right?!?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I used to HATE when my mom started a sentence with: "How many times do I have to ask you to.....(fill in your own blank). It really ANNOYED me to no end. I would tune her out at how many!!! Fast forward to my life as a mom of four. This statement comes out of my mouth at least 100 times a day. I might be exaggeratng a bit, but it feels like that's all I ever say. "How many times do I have to tell you to: put away your dishes, pick your clothes up from the floor and put them in the hamper, don't turn on the stupid Call of Duty( this game makes my ass tight!!!) until your homework is done, do the dishes...I could go on but I am exhausted thinking about it. I have turned into my naggin mom!! Don't get me wrong...I LOVE MY MOM. She is my best friend. I just didn't love that drill sergeant part of her. What I didn't understand then that I do now is...she wanted help. Who doesn't? I know for me...I need a bit of order. If it were up to my kids our house would be a complete mess. Piles of crap everywhere, not a bed made, not a article of clothing washed and they would be on the computer or playing video games for hours on end. Oh that world gives me the heebie jebbies. So..I have to be it.... a nagger. The only saving grace is that I am not alone. My friends share their plights, and I have even heard them say the dreaded how many times do I....many a time. In a sick way, I feel relief. Is that so wrong?!?!?!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Nine...To Be Zen And Not So Zen

Hi. The day started with my new ritual: up at 5:30(ouch) to do my reading, writing and meditation. I woke the twins up at 6:00 for summer school, dropped them off and was at the gym to ride the stationary bike and to do laps in the pool. I came home, took a shower and went to a 12 step meeting. Afterwards, I had breakfast with a few girlfriends and went to my favorite gift shop to buy a birthday present for a friend. Sounds Zen doesn't it? I was on my way home to hang out with Soccer Stud 2 who just got home from sleepover camp yesterday. I felt so calm when all of a sudden I felt this weird pull in my ever so fab Ford Flex. It was kind of scary. I glanced at the odometer....0 miles to empty. OH SH*T. No biggie I thought to myself...been here...done that...I will coast to the gas station. WRONG. I pulled over to the side of the road and called my friend who owns the gift shop. The machine went to voicemail. I called again. Voice mail. I called my daughter and woke her up at the ripe hour of 11:00 am. She was going to come to the rescue.

As I awaited for my College Studette to come, I was totally relaxed. I couldn't change the situation..right? I began to ponder about why I wait to get gas until I am bone dry. I like the rush of , will I make it? I always do and I get this feeling of dimwit accomplishment that yet again I beat the odds of zero fumes until I make it to the pump. I always marvel at how my tank only is supposed to hold 17 gallons and I managed to get more in the tank. Whoo Hoo Wolffie, you rock!!! I have to tell you that this time it wasn't my fault..and I mean this with all the sincerity I can muster up. I got my oil changed a couple of weeks ago and the oil guy asked about some button that he has to press to let the car know that the oil is at 100%. HUH? A button? I had no clue...so off I went into driving land. The other day the car was ringing and telling me I was at 3% oil, 1% oil and then at 0 % oil. I knew that this was wrong, so I ignored it. Wouldn't you have? It wasn't showing me that my gas tank was on empty! Heavy , heavy sigh.

My Night in shining Armorette came driving in her Xbox with the gas can in hand!!! Now the last time I actually ran of of gas was when I was 16. My dad was ever so pissed. It was pouring and cold. I was near a 76 station and all I had was the Arco credit card. I was plum out of cash so I had to make the call. No debit cards back then in the dark ages. The gas can was metal and had a long spout that was easy to pour in the tank. Now it is plastic and the spout is weird and hard to maneuver. It took my girl and me about 20 minutes to figure out how to uncap it. I poured gasoline all over me. My Zen state was gone. I was cursing at the tank and cursing at the gas can. I was getting a wee bit unnerved with my Armorette, but I had to stop myself because she was there to help and save me!!!We finally figured out how to get it to work. Most of the gas was on the sidewalk or my hands. I drove to the gas station, filled up the tank and I only poured in maybe a half gallon of gas (my girl bought 2 gallons!!). Did I mention that I had to pee the whole time?!? We got home from my less than Zen debacle, I peed and all was Zen again.

What did this experience teach me? I will NEVER let it get to 0 miles to empty again!!!! Well, maybe I can let it get to 5 miles to go. Not sure that I want to let go of the rush just yet!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I don't think that I am ever going to get the Mom of the Year award...but I do think that I am a great mom. Do I have shortcomings? Maybe a few :) (hundred!!!). So I mentioned earlier that Soccer Stud 2 was at sleepover camp. The day before he left I went to Target to get the toiletries he needed along with snacks, a fan and a spanking new soccer ball. We laid out his clothes. packed and I put the sleeping bag by his suitcase. In the morning the hubby put the stuff in the car and off we went. The camp was about an hour away. We got there and stood in the long line to register him in. I had this strange feeling and voiced it to The Hubby: "Did you bring the sleeping bag?" The Hubby's look said it all....a blank stare.... Sleeping Bag? I
f 'd up. Oh yes he did!!!! I couldn't believe it. "You didn't pack the sleeping bag?!?!?!" I could feel the glare from the oh so perfect moms who brought their kids sleeping bags who were in line behind us. I whispered to them in a oh so mortified whisper, "Welcome to my world." I didn't really mean it. The Hubby is awesome. Was it really HIS fault? No, it was just an oversight. I mean, I didn't do the checking to see if everything made it out to the car. I just couldn't and didn't want to share in the, 'i can't believe this happened' blunder. I let him take the fall in front of those moms. Who were they really? I will never see them again. I just didn't want to look bad in their eyes. Soccer Stud 2 slept with a towel that night (he did have a fitted sheet). I felt AWFUL. I was going to run him down one the next day but I called the dorm mom and she got him a blanket. So he was warm and safe and all was well again. Oh did I mention that The Hubby didn't take the suitcase out of Soccer Stud 2's bedroom? Soccer Stud did...see he forgot the sleeping bag...not us!!!!

Moral of the story: Make a list, check it twice and look in the damn car before you take off.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Eight..I Gotta Just Be

Hi. I am in a dilemma of the way superficial kind. I have been wanting to grow my hair out (again). There's something about long hair in women that I find sexy. Don't get me wrong...I love short hair. I feel funky. If I do say so myself, it is flattering to my facial structure...BUT.... I am approaching my big 50 in a few months and I am feeling the need to feel youthful and sexy. Who for?!? I mean if I am to be honest, I wear torn T-shirts and flannel Jammie's to bed. Not too sexy. The hubby doesn't chide me with my ever so not sexy look. I think I just want to look youthful. Lord knows I don't feel youthful. I didn't have bladder issues when I was in my 20's. I didn't have lines along my lips so my lipstick bleeds in my 30's. I didn't have saggy boobs in my 40's. Well, that's not entirely true, I had radiation in one breast after my cancer..so one is plump and one is falling down!!! The point I am trying to make here is, I have no control of getting older. I know that I have to pee a lot more. No biggie. I can put all the moisturizer I want on my lips and the lines don't fade and the bleeding occurs. I have masked it though cuz I wear stains now!! As far as my boobies are concerned.....I've got fab bras!!!!

I don't mind getting older in life experience, but I just want to LOOK YOUTHFUL. I surely don't want to go back in time and relive my youth. I do like where I am, who I've become and where I am headed. I guess the moral of this babbling story is ...Just Be.

So, I am going to cancel my hair appointment.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I have been getting up every morning at 5:30 to read, write and meditate. Oh how calming and sane this all sounds. Right? I end my mediation and prayer with asking for patience with my kids..blah blah blah. Yesterday, we were a bit late getting out the door for summer school.. It's hard to get to 2 14 year old teenage studs out the door and that way too early hour. We managed to get to the shuttle just in the nick of time when Running Stud reports he doesn't have his bus pass. Was I calm? Did I take a deep breath? NO. I threatened him with him not going to summer school. Yeah right Wolffie, there was no way to follow through on that!! I went home, got his pass, drove him to school all the while saying please respect my time. please be responsible. I swear to you that I could hear his mind thinking...WAW WAW WAW WAW WAW!!!

Moral of this story: breathe, mediatate more, continue your early morning practices. and understand that he is just a teenager.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. PLease come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Seven: When Is It Ok To Expect Something?

Hi. My dad always told me that it is never good to place expectations on people. You will always be let down. Sounds cynical, doesn't it? I used to get really mad at him when he said that. Wasn't he hearing me? People were hurting my FEELINGS.

This is where I went wrong when I went to him with a broken heart or if I was really really mad. "Daddy, so and so did (you fill in the scenario) to me. I would NEVER do that ." There was his opening..."If you put what you would do on someone else then you will be let down." And damn it...he was right.

What's someone to do with that information? Suck it up and become tougher? Have no friends and live a lonely existence? I couldn't do it then. I can't do it today. It's not in my make-up. So, how did and do I navigate when something happens that I am not happy about?

Well back then in the dark ages, I sulked and I felt like a victim. Poor Wolffie, why don't people understand me.?Whine, sniffle, whine sniffle. That's what I did. I had no other choice, I didn't have the understanding back then that being disappointed was okay. My dad was right., You can't place your expectations and morals on another person. It's HOW we choose to deal with disappointments that is the empowering part.

So, I have someone in my life, not a good friend (no worries gal pals!!), who I feel is stepping over the line of what I can take. I am not mad, maybe slightly annoyed, but I don't want to partake in the bullsh*t anymore. I fight with myself. Am I being a beotch? Should I keep making the phone calls to organize the carpool? The adult who doesn't have time for this says... NO WAY. The part of me who wants to help her out with driving her kid says I have to suck it up. Well...I have come to the place now where I am done. I am not a babysitter. I can't keep organizing her life as well as my own. Sh*t I have four kids (five if you include the hubby) and a dog to take care of. She was supposed to get back to me on the new summer schedule. Didn't. So, here we are on her day to drive and she hasn't called me....again. Not gonna call her!! My day has to change so I can drive my Soccer Stud 1 to practice. I am a bit miffed...because...IF IT WERE ME, I would have called her...oops there goes my expectations!!! I am going to call her..not to organize. I will call her with a mature attitude and no anger in my voice to inform her that I will be taking my Soccer Stud 1 to practices on both days. I will thank her for driving Soccer Stud 1 and tell her how much I appreciated being in the carpool with her.. End of story. No drama. It's gonna be hard. I just want to be calm and centered. I'll let you know how this all works out!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. OMG. I don't even attempt to understand how my teenage boys minds work. Last night all six of us were having dinner as a family. It was GREAT!!! Now that College Studette is home and we were not at a sporting event of one of the Soccer Studs or Running Stud, we could actually have dinner all together at a reasonable hour. The hubby made a yummy summer dinner of grilled fish, mozzarella basil and tomato with a drizzle of olive oil and balsamic vinegar and quinoa. We were having light conversation and laughing. I only had to tell two of the boys to stop eating with their fingers a couple of times. There was no bickering and that in itself is a miracle. Anyways, Soccer Stud 2 starts telling us a story (prompted by Running Stud) about how he pooped in the side yard multiple times (for a few weeks running). I just want to remind you of my boys ages...almost 13, 14 and 14). I was laughing and saying TMI TMI" (for those of you who don't know text and kid speak...that is TOO MUCH INFORMATION!) Does this stop Soccer Stud 2 from going on with the details of his pooping event? Nope. He proceeds to say that he pooped on the side yard because he wanted to see how long it would stay there until a animal ate it. Before I tell you the punch line..we don't live in the woods. We live in Suburbia. Okay we might have an occasional coyote..but how long until an animal eats it? PALEEZZE!!!! It didn't take long mind you because our lovely dog Kona, also a boy of 8, ate it in a flash!!! BOYS...I DON"T UNDERSTAND THEM.....BUT I SURE DO LOVE THEM!!!!! Did I mention that the other boys were in on the poop experiment as well?!? Welcome to my life.

Moral of the story? I don't always have to understand my boys..I just have to laugh.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Six..Annoying!!!!

Hi.

Oh the world can be an annoying place...can't it? Let me tell you about the early part of my day. I started off today at the beautiful hour of 5:30. That is not a pretty time for me. I am not a morning person. I had to get up to make time to do my mediation and writing and then I had to take my boys to the shuttle for summer school. Don't get me started on the hour that summer school starts. 7 fricken 30 in the morning!!! So, in order for them not to miss the bus, we have to leave at 6:20. I glanced at my watch...6:25. HOLY SH*T, we were going to be late and it was all my fault. Bring it back to I am not a morning person and I do things at a snails pace. I screamed "GET A MOVE ON...WE GOTTA GO NOW!" One of the twins, Running Stud, was putting hair product in his hair. I have to say that they get their metro sexual stuff from me as I have taught them about cleanliness and good hair cuts and ever so cute outfits. My other guy, Soccer Stud, was sauntering very slowly to the car. HONK. HONK. Finally we were on our way. The signal was taking FOREVER. I had to make a U-Turn to get a move on. I ran a yellow to red light and I made it to the shuttle bus stop. THERE WAS NO-ONE THERE!! I panicked. I zoomed my big and groovy Ford Flex to the other shuttle bus stop all the while ranting that we were going to miss the bus. One of the boys popped out with, "It's not our fault that we're late!" I didn't have time to be annoyed..I WAS PISSED. I dropped them off without a "have a nice day". I sped off and went to the gym. It's was 6:30. This is a big deal as the only thing I like to do at 6:30 am is to have my morning pee, get back into bed and drink my hot cup of coffee that the hubby brings to me!! I have to exercise to clear my head and get the rolls off that have accumulated since my Mencius tear. I rode the stationary bike for 10 minutes and then swam for 20 minutes. It felt great. I wasn't annoyed anymore. I felt terrible about behaving like a immature mommy lunatic. I made then an extra nice lunch to bring to them before their sporting conditioning camps. They were thrilled and I even remembered the waters!!!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So to add more to my annoying day, I had it with my IPhone. I uploaded the latest version and my email wasn't working. Oh the horror. What is a girl to do without being able to check her emails every 30 seconds? Stomp off to the Apple Store doncha know!! I got there, made an appointment which was to be in five minutes. NOT. 20 minutes later I was still waiting. Let me clarify that I was hungry beyond belief and I was meeting a friend. So I was ancy. I kept tapping my phone on the counter. This man walked up WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT and they took him and answered his question.. ANNOYING!!!! I finally had it and spoke with the manager. "I must tell you that I will try not to be rude but....blah, blah, blah." I got my appointment and I wasn't terribly rude. It was a simple fix and now I can be a email queen once again. After lunching with my gal pal, I felt fab. I even told her that the world seemed so less annoying after a good veggie burger and salad!!

The moral of my day is: Breathe, exercise and eat when you are not past the starving point...then the world will be bliss...not annoying.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie.

Day One Hundred and Five...Is It Still Summer?

Hi.

Each year when the school year draws to a close, I can't wait to just chill with my kids. It's the best. No getting up in the morning. Lounging in my Jammie's till at least 11:00. Oh the thought of it sends warm fuzzies through my body.

Well, I am here to say that so far it has been 3 1/2 days of summer and I am TIRED. I haven't been able to chill and veg cuz my kids are getting older and they have agendas!! Imagine that. Their soccer stud pals have been sleeping over to watch the World Cup. Some mornings it has been 4:00 in the morning. For crying out loud don't they think of us in Pacific Standard time?!? I do love their energy and excitement when they watch the games. My running boy stud wants to run every day to keep in shape for the Cross Country Season. Although I am overjoyed with his commitment, he wants to run at the oddest times and it is not conducive for my chill time.

I started to get oh so cranky and then it dawned on me...I don't have much longer to shelp my boys. They are growing up oh so fast and soon they will be driving and they won't need me. And that stings. I am not saying that they won't love me..it's just that I witnessed through my college studette daughter that they really start to soar in high school. They like their freedom and they should..but it's a weird thing to have to deal with cuz I was and still am used to being the go to mom. My cutie boy twins are going to high school (shit where did the time go?) in the fall and I know the drill. Their eyes are already starting to roll and they might not want to sit with me and the hubby at the football and basketball games. I am still gonna go though because I never did the rah rah thing when I was in high school..which I think was a crying shame. I wanted to grow up soooo fast. And the truth is that you are older way longer than you a young!! I thought it was stupid to partake in my high school activities. So now, because our community is involved in high school sporting events, I get to whoop and yell along with the kids. I LOVE IT!! Oops I detoured a bit....back to the summer.....I am going to say this out loud..I am going to be calm..I am going to enjoy shelping my boys..I am going ignore my kids teenage mouths (to the best of my ability)...I am going to drink decaf instead of caffeine( to help in my plight to stay calm and enjoyable!! :).

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. The first time I went to a high school football game when my daughter was a freshman was a eye opening experience. She wanted nothing to do with us. I wasn't used to it. I went with then hubby my three boys in tow ( they were pipsqueaks at the time). They LOVED my daughter and her friends. They ignored us. We didn't exist. My heart felt heavy. My mind understood. She was growing up. I didn't like it. I had to deal with it. So, we sat on the far end of the bleachers along with the other parents and kids who were banished from their high school kids. It felt a little better. Safety in numbers. So, that year passed and by the time she was a senior in high school it all magically changed. She sought us out at the games and sat with us. SHE HUNG WITH US......SHE REALLY REALLY WANTED TO HANG WITH US (I love Sally Fields)!!

Moral of the story: Let the kiddies fly cuz they come flying back home.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Four...Is It Possible?

Hi.

Boy it's been awhile since I have sat down to my computer to write. The last time I posted, I said the same thing. This time, I can't chuck my not posting to procrastination. This time my not writng has been about sadness. Have you ever wanted to write, but knew if you did, the floodgates of tears would open and not knowing if the tears could be turned off? Well, that's where I have been. It hasn't felt good.

My sweet friend Betty passed away in May. Just writing this sentence breaks my heart and hurts my soul. Is it possible to feel so much loss that you just want to curl up in bed and not welcome in each day with joy? I am sure it is, but I don't have that luxury to just evaporate and allow myself to feel.... nothing. But I have wanted to..trust me.

I have those four kids to worry about and the hubby who all require me to be present in the day. Even in sadness I have to shelp the ever so busy boys to their "stuff". Even though the hubby is a gem and is ever so helpful, I still have to go to the market, go to Target to get something for somebody, pick up here, take someone there, make dinner..well are you getting the picture? I HAVE TO BE VISIBLE AND PRESENT. Thank G-d.

I get annoyed sometimes that I have a life that is so rich and full. Why can't I just have a little down time? Really Wolffie?!? I don't have time for down time. Betty taught me so much in the last 8 1/2 months of her life. When the going gets rough, smile. When fear comes into your psyche...be grateful for something however small because it eats up the fear. When life gets overwhelming, hug your family and tell them you love them. When bad news comes, let life be half full..never half empty. When you are feeling alone..call a girlfriend and let them in. When you are taking your last breaths of life, do so with grace. When the chips are down...DON'T STOP BELIEVING. I will miss our chats, our shopping, our lunches, our hugs, our i love yous, our friendship. I will miss all this, but I will never ever forget her impact and her joy.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I have added some chaos into my life...I am going to be the president of my youngest soccer stud's boys middle school. Madame President, that's me!! What was I thinking?!? I already am having sleepless nights. I bolt out of my already not so great sleep with a thought about a person who could do this job or how am do I navigate this event. OMG. I must tell you, I am not the PTA type..at least what I used to envision as "the type". I don't have a smile plastered on my face 24/7. I don't enjoy hashing out how many plates we need at a PTA function. I don't have the patience for the person who complains about how things are run, but NEVER gets involved. So,why am I finding myself being Madame Pres?!? I feel blessed that my kids are in a small school district that even in these challenging times (with budget cuts galore) are learning, thriving and growing up to be wonderful human beings. I want to give back. Pay it forward. I am sure you, my friends, will be hearing me bitch and moan. Trust me on that. But in the middle of the bitch and the moan, I know there will be some humor and satisfaction. I am gonna have stories!!! Isn't that what life really is? A bunch of stories clustered into a 24 hour day. When I start to feel overwhelmed, I go back to what Betty felt and said....DON'T STOP BELIEVING. It's all good. Life is good.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie