Entry One Hundred and Eighteen...The Eye of Hurricane Monster

Hi. I was in a life coaching session today and the truth came out about Hurricane Monster. It has been looming over me since I don't know how long....Ummmm maybe since the dark ages. Anyways, I have this radio station that plays in my head that I warmly refer to as K F**K. I don't know if your brain is dialed into the same station. It's the one that only plays songs that tells you that you are no good..you can't reach your dreams....so just stop. I don't know who the artists are who recorded such songs but I don't like listening to K F**K. It seems to be permanently set there though. So, today in my session, Coach Lori challenged me or shall I say, we challenged me. I am afraid to succeed in something that I feel so passionately about...and that is writing. I LOVE to write. It makes me feel complete. I feel like I am honoring my soul. It lets me relate to others. It is awesome. SO WHY DO I KEEP MYSELF FROM DOING IT???!!!???. This is the million $$$$$ question. Fear of being happy. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear that people won't relate. FEAR FEAR FEAR. As you can surmise, I am not the kind of gal who just closes her eyes and dives in. Not in my make-up..until today. I have decided to turn the dial away from K F**K and listen to a new station...K PROMISE. This new radio station plays soothing songs; songs that tell me that you can enjoy the process and songs that spark feelings of triumph not defeat. The road is wide and I can go for it. Better songs, don't you think?!? I feel a sense of calm. I am inching towards living in the land of grey rather than in the land of all or nothing. Everything is possible when I am in the land of grey. I actually can start moving in a direction that enjoys the journey. Completion feels promising. Bye- Bye.. K F**K. Hello K PROMISE . Did I mention that I am jumping into my life without a life vest? HOORAH!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. This weekend before I chose to shut off K F**K off and listen to K Promise, I must admit that I was a not so nice Wifey-Poo and Momola to The Hubby, College Studettee, Running Stud, Soccer Stud 1 and and Soccer Stud 2. This was an ordinary weekend of shelping, smelling and hearing the boys fart on cue, College Studeete reporting about her adventures in Boulder and The Hubby was complaining about a new ache on his 53 year old body. I wanted to jump out of my skin. I was short with all of them. I wasn't interested. I wanted to be left alone. So I did the '"lets change locations so I can escape plan". I went to the mall and surrounded myself with strangers that I could give a rats ass about AND I bought make-up. I wanted a "pick me up you look 50 and fresh look". I accomplished the task!! I felt like going home. I had a skip in my step when I entered my home. Nothing changed. Boys still farting. The Hubby still had the aches. My daughter called with a new story. My reactions changed. I had interest. These are my peeps.

Moral of the story: Sometimes I have to get away to see what specialness I have right in front of me.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Entry One Hundred and Seventeen.....Stand Up

I went to a Story Telling Salon evening last night with a friend. The premise is to tell a personal story in front of an audience. Sounds easy. I am a writer, a good story teller amongst my friends and I am outgoing. Seems like good traits for getting up there..right?!? I watched 9 people get up and tell their stories; ranging from retirement to partying in the 70's. I laughed and I cried. I left there thinking ...could I do this? On my way home I started telling a story out loud..to myself...it was hard. I mumbled and I fumbled. Why so hard? Well for me I think it because when I put pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard..my words flow (most of the time). I don't think about what I am trying to say. A bit organic. I had to recall quickly the details I wanted to say and I bored myself !! It's hard. I had a new found respect for those chaps who got up and told what seemed to effortless stories. I think I am gonna try getting up and telling a story. I will have to write it down and read it for my first time. It doesn't seem as exposing as looking out into the audience. I won't see their reactions to a life event that I had and want to share for humor and maybe a little bit of relate ability. In the end, I just want to feel connected. Is that so wrong?

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I am gazing at my vision board for 2011 and I must admit it is a far cry from my 2010 one. All that was on my mind was turning 50 and how I wanted to enter into my new decade. 2010 was all about health, being a sexy ,mama and achieving some spiritual growth. Did I achieve any of that? Well....i f'd up my knee in January of 2010...so I put on some pounds...okay 15 of them. I have to say I didn't feel like a sexy Mama. My friend passed and I lost a bit of my wanting to grow spiritually...I chose to be in bed and wallow in my sadness. By December of 2010..December 23 to be exact...I had a light bulb going off in my head moment and it was this simple.....Snap out of it!!! I turned 50 on December 24. I was feeling pleased to have racked up another year of being cancer free (10 years to be exact), I had "the hubby" who loves me, I had four great kids who love me (except when they don't !) and a circle of friends who are just the best. I am blessed.

So Gandhi I am not. Rachel Welsh I am not. Twiggy I am not....BUT so far in this 2011 year....I am feeling better on the inside so I can be better to the outside world. I am open to wherever my path takes me without trying to micro manage my spiritual path, and I am feeling the creative juices again. Feeling fine.

Moral of the story: If I get out of my own way and just live in the moment...I am right where I am supposed to be.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.

In Love and Peace

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and Sixteen...Do I Have To Know Everything?

Hi. Wow I can't believe it has been over two months since my last post! Let me tell you why this happened. I have been in a mental standstill. No creative juices flowing...actually not many thoughts flowing I was into eating my blues away. Can anybody relate? If I am to be entirely honest with my blog pals...I like to run from my feelings. It doesn't really matter if they are good feelings or bad feelings..I just like to run. Shall I give you an example? Okay...you don't have to twist my arm!! Here goes. Let's start with my blogging. I was so gung-ho in the beginning to blog every day. If Julia could cook and write her experiences every day for a year than why couldn't I?!? So, I started and my daily blog writing lasted awhile. Then...a feeling hit. It was a true sad feeling. My friend was dying..I couldn't take it..so rather than use the blog as a tool to push through...I stopped writing. I didn't feel funny..I had to be funny in order for people to like reading my rants. But is this really true? I didn't do a survey and ask. I just stopped; and really Wolffie, are you really all knowing? Can you see into people's hearts and minds? NOPE. So that emotional block added pounds of I can't believe I stopped writing, failed again AND gained 10 pounds.

Another case in point, my kids. I truly love them..all four of them. I just don't know how to make Running Stud, Soccer Stud One and Soccer Stud Two (College Studette is away at school) to hear me and respect me. Is this so wrong to ask of the kids that I carried around for nine months, fed them from my nipples, changes way too many stinky diapers, took them to mommy and me, shelped them for all their various sporting activities, shelped them to their religious studies and I am sure am forgetting something!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVED DOING ALL THIS FOR MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.....BUT, they are teenagers and they don't appreciate me anymore. WAHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. Who am I kidding? Me. I must confess that this part of my life put another 8 pounds on my growing girth! What planet am I on to think that teenagers even care about anyone but themselves..for the most part that is. Aren't they right where they are supposed to be? Planet Wolffie must go away. I say these words to my kids all the time (and it makes them crazy!), "Can you please step out of your world and into ours"!!!???!!! Shouldn't I take this oh so clever advice?!? YEP. So, I am breathing a lot. Tuning out a lot and focusing on their positive stuff and not the ones that annoy me to no end.Guess what? It's working. There is laughter in the house. We are getting along so much better...and I lost three pounds!!! Oh yeah baby!!!

Why listen to Wolfie? Because I get it. Once upon a time there was a girl maned Wolffie, a lovely girl, who had to know and plan her path. Oh it was hard for Wolffie. Oh so very hard; Because..life gives you road blocks and Wolffie wanted to plot out the beginning, middle and end of each experience. Very tiring. Situations would come into her path..and she would stop the experience and then think of herself as a failure. What was poor Wolffie to do? She knew she wasn't living the life she dreamed...but she couldn't stop planning. Then one day..a light bulb went off...I do not have to do this alone. I can step on a spiritual path and relieve myself of stopping when obstacles and pressures to be perfect get in the way. What a great idea Wolffie thought. Wofflie implemented this by mediating most mornings and writing her thoughts on paper. She gave her controlling and annoying need to be all knowing away and her life has been much better. There is no happy ending to this once upon a time story because.... life is still in session.

Moral of the story: Enjoy where you are because looking back or looking forward takes you away from where your feet are planted.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.
Please come back for more. Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie