Day One Hundred andThree...Words Are Coming Back

Hi.

It's been a bit since I have sat down to blog. I wanted to, but I didn't have anything to write about that spoke to me..you know from the soul on out. It wasn't like I wasn't writing, I was concentrating on projects that I had been formally procrastinating about. Now, this is a topic that I could write about forever....PROCRASTINATION. I do it all the time. I pretend to myself that I don't. I have valid reasons why I let my gas tank go to fumes before I fill up the tank.....I just don't have the time to fill it up. I am running, running, running. I never seem to have a minute. I meet a friend for coffee, go to physical therapy for my still not fixed knee, I go to Target to get "stuff", I go to meet the girls for lunch. Who has time to write a blog, novel, play or get gas? This is just my morning...I am "on the go mom" in the afternoon taking my kids to their various appointments and sporting practices, games and meets. There isn't a minute in the day to even pee (maybe that's why I need to wear depends). If truth be told, I kinda like to see how far I can go on a tank. There have been times where my tank is bone dry..but I made it to the station. It's kind of like Russian Roulette. Will I be stranded or will I make it.

Okay enough of that...I procrastinate about what to make for dinner with the hopes that the hubby will make it. He is a great cook. I am too but I am always tired from my busy day of running. I am like a hamster on a wheel: I don't stop until I have my frozen yogurt and watch my shows that I have recorded on DVR. I don't often take into consideration that the hubby works his ass off trying to bring home the bacon. I think I will have to start making dinner more often. I will start tomorrow!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I ran home today after my lunch with one of my best-est gal pals who is also my life coach. We were supposed to have a coaching session today, but the restaurant was way too noisy, so we changed our hats from coach and coachee to gal pals. I was having a birthday breakfast earlier today for my friend Barbara and she pulled out a new pair of sunglasses that were DIVINE. I tried them on and if I can be bold to say that I looked ever so movie star chic. That feeling of " I NEED THESE SUNGLASSES" came over me. I get this pull that lets me know that the obsession radar has been activated.. I am trying to figure out in my oh so clever brain how I can get these sunglasses....IMMEDIATELY!! They carry them art Nordies, so I was gonna go for " a visit" after my lunch. As gal pal and I were saying our goodbyes, I realized that my Chanel obsession is back...full force!!! I had to come write this blog so I could tell my ever so fab readers that I have a new Chanel to visit. I will keep you posted. In case the hubby or my beautiful darling daughter is reading this...Mother's Day is around the corner. What a nice way to say I love you with a card, a great meal and a Chanel!!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and One...Just Want To Get Away?

I think I need to get away. I need to be far far away. The problem is that I want to leave myself behind. Is it possible to go away on a vacay and leave my mind and body at home? An acid trip is not an option. Either is drinking myself to oblivion. I can't eat a dozen or so girl scout cookies and get a major sugar rush. What's a girl supposed to do when she can't run or hide from herself?

I am annoyed. My knee is still bugging me. It's been since January and I still feel like sh*t. I went to a surgeon and I have to have microscopic surgery. Not happy about that. This slip and fall has become an annoying daily hindrance. I am getting fat by the second. I don't feel like I am overeating. My clothes are fitting a bit snugger and my face looks like a chipmunk. At least that is how I feel when I look in the mirror. Do you remember that commercial about Rolaids? They said something like I have INDEGESSSSSSSSSSTion. That's how I feel about by face and body...BiiiiiiiiiiiG and BloooooooooatY. I know feelings aren't facts, but does it really matter when you are in the thick of a yuck feeling?

My kids are ANNOYING. They are the Bickering Kings these days. I am not sure if it is more than usual, but let me tell you it feels like it. Do they really have to have a contest as to who takes their plate to the sink first? C'mon, Bickering Kings, give your mama a break!!!! I guess it means something to them. ANNOYING!!! Can't they have a contest on whose bed gets made first OR whose brushes their teeth first OR who is the nicest to their uuber sensitive mama?

I guess the point here is that I am in a funk and I can't seem to get out of it. I am bored. I am tired because I haven't slept well in months. I want to be able to exercise and feel no pain. I try to meditate but can't seem to relax. I have to say that if I were my family I would send me away or be EXTRA NICE. I must have a talk with them...the extra nice to your mommy chat. I hope it goes over well.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When I was going through "the change" it wasn't very pleasant in my home. I was doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I tried to be okay. I really did. Sometimes this overwhelming sense of ROAR would come over me. I would yell about anything and I couldn't stop it. One day on of my ever so cute young boys said to me: "Mommy, I think you need to go away so you can come back and be nice". REALITY!!! Those words hit me like a tongue of bricks. It hurt. It was true , I needed to go away and come back and be nice. I couldn't though because that's not how life works when you are a mommy. I did the next best thing...I went on hormones. It worked. I came back and I was nice. Not all the time of course, but I didn't fly off the handle as much. Today, because my breast cancer was estrogen positive..it's time for me to say goodbye to hormones and try to take things that won't make cancer cells want to come back. I am doing it gradually under the care of a wonderful doctor but....I have the ROAR back. I don't like it. I know I have to get through it..buts it's hard. Who wants to be "oh no my mama's gonna ROAR at the drop of a hat" mom? I have to take actions so I can feel better. I have to clear my head. Just by putting my feelings in this blog today, I already have some relief. I am gonna go close my eyes and meditate after I finish this entry. If I can't settle in...then I have to meditate until I do. The outcome is calm. I know my insides will love me. I know the hubby will be happy. The kids will probably want to throw a partaaay!!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred....It's Been Along Time Coming

Hi.

They say when you do something that you love even though you haven't done it for awhile..it's like riding a bike..you get on the seat..and start peddling away. Time nor distance from "whatever" it is you have not done just comes back naturally. Well...it has been almost a month since I have written....ANYTHING. I have started to many times...but...I.....just.....didn't. Can I give a million in one excuses as to why I didn't take the time to do what I love to do? Of course I can!!! Why should I yammer about my being a lazy, fearful, bump on the log? Who will that serve? My inner yucky voice that gets in the way of my happiness and contentment? Oh no, I will not give in to that voice!!!

Today I had my first session with a life coach. It was FABULOUS!!!!! How bad can an hour be when you have someone listening to your every word and your talking about yourself?!? All kidding aside, it felt extremely therapeutic and freeing to expose myself, my fears, my wants, my needs and whatever I was babbling about got a nod, a sigh, a smile, a question, and some answers too. So, the jist of me is...I need to allow me to be me. Now isn't that cliche and corny....but oh so true? I have to wear many hats in the day: wife, mom. daughter, sister, friend, a listener, a PTA board member, a cancer survivor...and yes a writer. Do you see where the writer is on my list? Last. Why? Writing is what makes me happy, creative, content, and fulfilled. Then...why last?!? Before today, I would have said that I have more important commitments to achieve in my day. BULLSH*T. I didn't allow myself to feel empowered to write. I thought that in order to be a good "whatever" I had to set my writing aside. I'll get to it later. When the kids are grown, I can write freely and more often. WAW WAW WAW WAW. Excuses..that's what I do. I allow myself to get off the hook and hide behind my excuses..i.e. FEAR. If I want to be a good..."whatever"..then I MUST write. This will clear away resentment and I will feel content..balanced and true to myself. Oh the games I play.

On day one of my blogging experience, I gave myself "the job" to blog everyday. I set myself up to fail. When I put high demands on myself I want to rebel. So guess what..I rebelled. I stopped writing. Who suffered? You the reader of my oh so fabulous words or me the writer? MEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Today, I am giving myself permission to write when I can..I hope it's often..it sure makes me feel productive and creative and sane. We'll see. My desire to create doesn't have to be all or nothing...black or white. It can be open to what I can achieve in a given day..no strings.....with a bit of grey in it. Oh I feel calmer already.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When my daughter was a baby, I swore that she would NEVER eat Mc Donald's. She was going to only eat organic healthy foods, even down to her "treats" They were only fruit juice sweetened, whole grain treats. Now that's all good and dandy and I try to have myself and my brood eat healthy almost twenty years later. But is this an obtainable goal and live in LA where there is temptation everywhere?!? The first time I "caved in" and let her eat Mc Donald's french fries, I felt sick to my stomach. How could I do this to my child? How could I let her eat crap? Let me tell you, she LOVED those french fries. I love Mc Donald's french fries. Did I go to Mc Donald's every day and let her eat a burger, fries and a shake? No. The key was and is moderation and balance. Fast forward to today. Do I let my kids eat cake for breakfast...sometimes. Do we have pancakes for dinner? Sometimes. Do I throw in brown rice and veggies in the mix. You bet. My kids have a love of wholesome food AND crap. Would they pick the crap over the healthy stuff? Probably...but they have an understanding of balance and they do eat their fair share of sugar and carbs and even though it kills them to admit it..they love my healthy treats and meals too. Balance works in parenting...so now I have to balance me. Hmmmmmm.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Ninety-Nine....How Can I Help?

Hi.

I think I got the point across in yesterday's blog that I am out of sorts. I didn't want to initially speak about my changing of the guards so to speak from hormone cremes to other alternative methods because I didn't want to be writing from my pitty pot. There is so much more going on in the world than Wolffie's mood swings. We have Chile and Haiti in disastrous living conditions and I am complaining about my hormone imbalance and loud boys?!? This is not to say that I can't succumb to my feelings of....whatever they are cuz they are rapidly changing in the course of my day. I just want them to be put into perspective. I am alive, healthy and I have a home, a bed, food and 3 testosterone boys and a hubby who acts like a boy all safe and sound. My girl is off on a college path that is great...so...............what can I do for those who are not feeling the same safety as me? We gave to the Haiti relief fund..which felt good...but is that enough? I have contacted my two friends in Chile through Facebook. One contacted me that her family is all safe. Her daughter is supposed to marry this coming Saturday. I remember when September 11 happened. It was my last chemo and I cried like a baby..some out of relief that the chemo was over and some out of guilt that I was sitting in a chair in Santa Monica, California while others were dying, looking for loved ones and living in a state of total terror and disbelief. I imagine that my friend, her daughter (who is to marry) and her family must be having similar thoughts. How can I feel elation with so much death and disarray around me? I had to come to the place of acceptance. I was given the gift of life (through chemo) and I had to embrace it...and live my life without guilt. I was given this gift and who was I to throw it away? Happiness is a blessing. I can help those who are in need and this my way of thanking the universe. There is always time in my day to reach out..listen..give a hug..or just be there in silence. I sometimes forget this, which is selfish, and not how I want to live my life. I am not saintly (ask my family!!). I fall off the positive trail from time to time...but I am happy to admit my faults and hop back on. I think I am going to call my friend in Chile and see what I can do from safety here in California.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. My kids are into having Nerf gun wars. There's constant screaming, falling for cover and many times I get a Nerf bullet hitting some form of my body. I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME AT ALL!!!! In the spirit of trying not to control my universe and therefore my kids universe, I am keeping my mouth shut 98% of the time while they play play play the day away. I will tell you though that this game is my secret weapon..so in some ways maybe I am the controller. Taking the computer away or the cell phone has little emotion evoking out of my boys when they have done something that is oh so.....not cool. I now have the Nerf guns to take away!!! You should see their faces. It is kind of priceless. Imagine 6 puppy dog eyes looking back at you with the how can you do this to us look. The air around the house is calmer (when they aren't playing the damn game of course). Sigh. I have to have something in my pocket to keep the house civil...don't I?!?

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day NInety-Eight..You Can Run But You Cannot Hide

I didn't realize that I have not posted in so many days. I fell off the creative band wagon and I am forcing myself (gently) to write today. I feel a bit stumped. What can I babble about? I could go on and on about my kids, but I think I will give them a break from my banter. I could go on and on about how I feel like I am crawling out of my skin because I am coming off of my hormones..but then this would be a bitch session and I want to try and stay positive through this weaning process. I will say that the end will be worth it, at least I hope so, because this is not feeling so good. I want to try and be balanced without the hormones cremes, but all I can say is if you come in my path please be gentle or WATCH OUT cuz the bitch monster is alive and wants to pounce. Okay the only thing that is circling in my brain right now is the balance issue. I want to cry..over nothing. I want pounce..over nothing. I want to crawl out of my skin..over everything..good or bad. I want to run away..but there is no where to run..cause I WILL BE THERE!!!! So what can I do?!? Live through it and be as sane as possible. This will be a tall order..but I am gonna try. The doctor wants me to meditate..so that's what I am doing. She wants me to get acupuncture ..I would love to but it is so expensive. Maybe I can compromise and do it twice a month. I can't wait until my knee is better so I can run through this. Running takes away so much of the crap for me..it seems to dissipate my feelings of yuck with each step I run. Thar's all for now..it feels good to blog..and be present in my life.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So today I was awakened from my not so great night of slumber with my husband talking LOUDLY on the phone at 6:30 in the am!!!! Business on the East Coast. My man has to bring in the bacon..so I kept my mouth shut. My boys woke up and they were LOUDER than the hubby. Why is that boys can wake up and have energy, banter and bicker before they even pee? I don't get it. Probably never will. I could feel my blood boiling over rather quickly. Should I yell? Should I ask them politely to shut the f*ck up (obviously in better language!!)? What's a mother who is hormonally challenged to do?!? I put the sheets over my head...and began to meditate..just like the doctor ordered!!!! It worked. I became a bit saner. I tweeted about the loudness..got a funny Facebook exchange from my daughter and the day began on a good note. Calgon take me way.....fast.

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Ninety-Seven...What Was I Going To Say?!?

Hi.

I was having a birthday breakfast for my gal pal today and I got inspired to write about a topic that we were talking about. I can't remember what the topic was.. It seemed so perfect at the time. I know I should have jotted down a word or two so it could jar my memory, but I just don't want to admit that I can't remember sh*t. Until now. It's now in the open....I can't remember sh*t. It's not really that big of a deal because none of my friends can remember anything either!! I often will have to stop my conversation in mid sentence because I don't remember what I was talking about. OMG, WTF!!! Can I blame it on too much information going into my brain that I can't process it quick enough. I find myself having a conversation while I am on the Internet checking my email and who can do that at the same time? It's kind of like chewing gum,patting your head and trying to rub your tummy in a circular motion all at the same time. I can't do that, can you? So what makes me think that I can talk and read at the same time. My kids get ANNOYED with me because I don't always seem to be paying attention to their questions because I am into this game on my IPhone, Words With Friends. It's awesome. It's kind of like scrabble and you play it with one other person who has an IPhone. Back and forth..I thought it would be good for my memory issues because I have to think of words and try to score the highest points. So far I don't have much of a memory and I don't win too much...I am not strategic enough to get the points BUT my words rock. My kids think I am tuning them out on purpose. Not true. I am just absorbed in the game!! I am absorbed in the moment!! Not cool though..I have to stop..and listen to them. I am getting better. I now have to work on not tuning out the hubby when I am doing my IPhone stuff.

Can I blame my memory loss on menopause? Why not? Lack of hormones can make your thoughts fuzzy, cranky and slow. I am trying to take supplements that can help with all of this. It's too soon to see if they are working..but something is better than nothing.

I think what we all need to do is take time. I rush around from thing to thing and often I don't give myself chill time. My brain must be screaming, "If you don't give me a rest Wolffie, then I am gonna force you to be still". Have you noticed when you do forget your train of thought, your kids name, where you put your keys and sunglasses... you must STOP... PAUSE and CHILL? Even if it's for a split second..we have to give our minds a break so we can regroup and remember what the heck we forgot.

Moral of the Story: Ummmmm, I forgot what I was talking about. Kidding!! In order to chill we have to be still.

Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I have found that if I don't make lists of things that must get done for the next day before I put my head on my pillow....then....PING...my eyes bolt open at 2:00 in the morning and many thoughts start to rapidly enter my brain. This screws me up for a peaceful blissful sleep. Sleep eludes me and I start to have a volleyball conversation with myself. "Don't think" "You have to make a hair appointment for the boys". Don't think". "You have to make sure it's on a Tuesday". "DON"T THINK". "You have to do it soon because they can't see:" All the while I am tossing and turning. "Breathe..Meditate..DO SOMETHING TO RELAX". It's not working!! I start to get annoyed. I get out of my ever so comfy bed and go to the bathroom. I plop back into bed and try to calm my mind down. It's not working. I turn on the Tellie so the noise can get in the way of my thoughts. It works but I the noise wakes up the hubby from his snoring slumber. I usually fall asleep by 5:30 and then in a blink of an eye it's time to get up and start my day. Bummer. The thought occurred to me after a few years of interrupted bliss that I should keep paper and pen by my nightstand to write all of the rumblings that go on in my head. Great idea, right? Now I just have to remember to do it!!!

Day Ninety-Six..Why Do They Think That?

Hi.

I was with my running pal Pamela today. We were having lunch today instead of our normal running date because my knee is taking way longer than I think it should take to heal. My mind is ready to run, my flab is begging for me to run ...but the damn knee is still hurting. Heavy sigh. We were talking about how people perceive us and how we perceive ourselves. Often times I get that when people first meet me..they are intimidated by me. I can't believe this!!!I feel I am kind, outgoing and friendly...sometimes to a fault. Why would anyone feel this? She started to examine me one by one. I am a fixture in my town..I don't believe it's because I am "all that". I grew up nearby and even though I left for a bit..I have been back for 18 years. A lot of people that I grew up with live here as well..so they remember me. I have four kids and between their school and sports stuff..I have met a lot of people.So it's not like I want to win popular gal of the year.Then she started to say that I dress a bit funky. True. Why would that turn somebody off and feel intimidated? I can't change my taste level and I certainly am not over the top funky...so why? I guess I could see that when you walk into a room and people know you...then maybe someone might feel like I am a social butterfly who flits about from group to group. That could be farther from the truth. I tend to be shy in crowds..they make me...uncomfortable. I am not a chit chat kind of gal..I like to have deep conversations. I am a total bore at parties because I don't know do small talk well. I tend to space out and yawn..I think it's because I have to much extra oxygen in my brain because I do a lot of breathing in and out until I think of something to say. I don't think that's intimidating..it can come off as rude. I don't mean to be. I would rather talk about saving the world, someones life's goals than talk abut a new recipe or did you hear about so and so. I like to know what makes someone tick. Is that so wrong? I will try to work on my intimidation thing and look deep inside and see how I can give off more love. Maybe I don't have to..maybe it's their issues. That would make my life easier. Who wants one more thing to change? How are you peceived?

Why listen to Wolffie. Because I get it. I have talked a bit about my peeing when I run. I was reading my I can't wait to get it each week, People Magazine..... and there it was in print...a name for my peeing when I run!! Hallelujah. I am not alone!! I have LBL otherwise known as Light Bladder Leakage. The add states that 1 out of 3 women experience LBL. Who knew? I have joked about wearing depends when I run. Too bulky. Well they now have Poise Liners. I must tell you that I feel so good that I am not alone in my LBL syndrome. If you have LBL and didn't want to admit it to yourelf or anyone else...feel no shame. We are 1 in 3!!!! You can go to 1IN3LIKEME.COM and get your free sample. I am gonna. I will keep you posted about the liners when I can actually run.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie