Thursday, April 8, 2010

Day One Hundred and One...Just Want To Get Away?

I think I need to get away. I need to be far far away. The problem is that I want to leave myself behind. Is it possible to go away on a vacay and leave my mind and body at home? An acid trip is not an option. Either is drinking myself to oblivion. I can't eat a dozen or so girl scout cookies and get a major sugar rush. What's a girl supposed to do when she can't run or hide from herself?

I am annoyed. My knee is still bugging me. It's been since January and I still feel like sh*t. I went to a surgeon and I have to have microscopic surgery. Not happy about that. This slip and fall has become an annoying daily hindrance. I am getting fat by the second. I don't feel like I am overeating. My clothes are fitting a bit snugger and my face looks like a chipmunk. At least that is how I feel when I look in the mirror. Do you remember that commercial about Rolaids? They said something like I have INDEGESSSSSSSSSSTion. That's how I feel about by face and body...BiiiiiiiiiiiG and BloooooooooatY. I know feelings aren't facts, but does it really matter when you are in the thick of a yuck feeling?

My kids are ANNOYING. They are the Bickering Kings these days. I am not sure if it is more than usual, but let me tell you it feels like it. Do they really have to have a contest as to who takes their plate to the sink first? C'mon, Bickering Kings, give your mama a break!!!! I guess it means something to them. ANNOYING!!! Can't they have a contest on whose bed gets made first OR whose brushes their teeth first OR who is the nicest to their uuber sensitive mama?

I guess the point here is that I am in a funk and I can't seem to get out of it. I am bored. I am tired because I haven't slept well in months. I want to be able to exercise and feel no pain. I try to meditate but can't seem to relax. I have to say that if I were my family I would send me away or be EXTRA NICE. I must have a talk with them...the extra nice to your mommy chat. I hope it goes over well.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When I was going through "the change" it wasn't very pleasant in my home. I was doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I tried to be okay. I really did. Sometimes this overwhelming sense of ROAR would come over me. I would yell about anything and I couldn't stop it. One day on of my ever so cute young boys said to me: "Mommy, I think you need to go away so you can come back and be nice". REALITY!!! Those words hit me like a tongue of bricks. It hurt. It was true , I needed to go away and come back and be nice. I couldn't though because that's not how life works when you are a mommy. I did the next best thing...I went on hormones. It worked. I came back and I was nice. Not all the time of course, but I didn't fly off the handle as much. Today, because my breast cancer was estrogen's time for me to say goodbye to hormones and try to take things that won't make cancer cells want to come back. I am doing it gradually under the care of a wonderful doctor but....I have the ROAR back. I don't like it. I know I have to get through it..buts it's hard. Who wants to be "oh no my mama's gonna ROAR at the drop of a hat" mom? I have to take actions so I can feel better. I have to clear my head. Just by putting my feelings in this blog today, I already have some relief. I am gonna go close my eyes and meditate after I finish this entry. If I can't settle in...then I have to meditate until I do. The outcome is calm. I know my insides will love me. I know the hubby will be happy. The kids will probably want to throw a partaaay!!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,


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