Day Ninety-Nine....How Can I Help?

Hi.

I think I got the point across in yesterday's blog that I am out of sorts. I didn't want to initially speak about my changing of the guards so to speak from hormone cremes to other alternative methods because I didn't want to be writing from my pitty pot. There is so much more going on in the world than Wolffie's mood swings. We have Chile and Haiti in disastrous living conditions and I am complaining about my hormone imbalance and loud boys?!? This is not to say that I can't succumb to my feelings of....whatever they are cuz they are rapidly changing in the course of my day. I just want them to be put into perspective. I am alive, healthy and I have a home, a bed, food and 3 testosterone boys and a hubby who acts like a boy all safe and sound. My girl is off on a college path that is great...so...............what can I do for those who are not feeling the same safety as me? We gave to the Haiti relief fund..which felt good...but is that enough? I have contacted my two friends in Chile through Facebook. One contacted me that her family is all safe. Her daughter is supposed to marry this coming Saturday. I remember when September 11 happened. It was my last chemo and I cried like a baby..some out of relief that the chemo was over and some out of guilt that I was sitting in a chair in Santa Monica, California while others were dying, looking for loved ones and living in a state of total terror and disbelief. I imagine that my friend, her daughter (who is to marry) and her family must be having similar thoughts. How can I feel elation with so much death and disarray around me? I had to come to the place of acceptance. I was given the gift of life (through chemo) and I had to embrace it...and live my life without guilt. I was given this gift and who was I to throw it away? Happiness is a blessing. I can help those who are in need and this my way of thanking the universe. There is always time in my day to reach out..listen..give a hug..or just be there in silence. I sometimes forget this, which is selfish, and not how I want to live my life. I am not saintly (ask my family!!). I fall off the positive trail from time to time...but I am happy to admit my faults and hop back on. I think I am going to call my friend in Chile and see what I can do from safety here in California.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. My kids are into having Nerf gun wars. There's constant screaming, falling for cover and many times I get a Nerf bullet hitting some form of my body. I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME AT ALL!!!! In the spirit of trying not to control my universe and therefore my kids universe, I am keeping my mouth shut 98% of the time while they play play play the day away. I will tell you though that this game is my secret weapon..so in some ways maybe I am the controller. Taking the computer away or the cell phone has little emotion evoking out of my boys when they have done something that is oh so.....not cool. I now have the Nerf guns to take away!!! You should see their faces. It is kind of priceless. Imagine 6 puppy dog eyes looking back at you with the how can you do this to us look. The air around the house is calmer (when they aren't playing the damn game of course). Sigh. I have to have something in my pocket to keep the house civil...don't I?!?

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day NInety-Eight..You Can Run But You Cannot Hide

I didn't realize that I have not posted in so many days. I fell off the creative band wagon and I am forcing myself (gently) to write today. I feel a bit stumped. What can I babble about? I could go on and on about my kids, but I think I will give them a break from my banter. I could go on and on about how I feel like I am crawling out of my skin because I am coming off of my hormones..but then this would be a bitch session and I want to try and stay positive through this weaning process. I will say that the end will be worth it, at least I hope so, because this is not feeling so good. I want to try and be balanced without the hormones cremes, but all I can say is if you come in my path please be gentle or WATCH OUT cuz the bitch monster is alive and wants to pounce. Okay the only thing that is circling in my brain right now is the balance issue. I want to cry..over nothing. I want pounce..over nothing. I want to crawl out of my skin..over everything..good or bad. I want to run away..but there is no where to run..cause I WILL BE THERE!!!! So what can I do?!? Live through it and be as sane as possible. This will be a tall order..but I am gonna try. The doctor wants me to meditate..so that's what I am doing. She wants me to get acupuncture ..I would love to but it is so expensive. Maybe I can compromise and do it twice a month. I can't wait until my knee is better so I can run through this. Running takes away so much of the crap for me..it seems to dissipate my feelings of yuck with each step I run. Thar's all for now..it feels good to blog..and be present in my life.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So today I was awakened from my not so great night of slumber with my husband talking LOUDLY on the phone at 6:30 in the am!!!! Business on the East Coast. My man has to bring in the bacon..so I kept my mouth shut. My boys woke up and they were LOUDER than the hubby. Why is that boys can wake up and have energy, banter and bicker before they even pee? I don't get it. Probably never will. I could feel my blood boiling over rather quickly. Should I yell? Should I ask them politely to shut the f*ck up (obviously in better language!!)? What's a mother who is hormonally challenged to do?!? I put the sheets over my head...and began to meditate..just like the doctor ordered!!!! It worked. I became a bit saner. I tweeted about the loudness..got a funny Facebook exchange from my daughter and the day began on a good note. Calgon take me way.....fast.

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Ninety-Seven...What Was I Going To Say?!?

Hi.

I was having a birthday breakfast for my gal pal today and I got inspired to write about a topic that we were talking about. I can't remember what the topic was.. It seemed so perfect at the time. I know I should have jotted down a word or two so it could jar my memory, but I just don't want to admit that I can't remember sh*t. Until now. It's now in the open....I can't remember sh*t. It's not really that big of a deal because none of my friends can remember anything either!! I often will have to stop my conversation in mid sentence because I don't remember what I was talking about. OMG, WTF!!! Can I blame it on too much information going into my brain that I can't process it quick enough. I find myself having a conversation while I am on the Internet checking my email and who can do that at the same time? It's kind of like chewing gum,patting your head and trying to rub your tummy in a circular motion all at the same time. I can't do that, can you? So what makes me think that I can talk and read at the same time. My kids get ANNOYED with me because I don't always seem to be paying attention to their questions because I am into this game on my IPhone, Words With Friends. It's awesome. It's kind of like scrabble and you play it with one other person who has an IPhone. Back and forth..I thought it would be good for my memory issues because I have to think of words and try to score the highest points. So far I don't have much of a memory and I don't win too much...I am not strategic enough to get the points BUT my words rock. My kids think I am tuning them out on purpose. Not true. I am just absorbed in the game!! I am absorbed in the moment!! Not cool though..I have to stop..and listen to them. I am getting better. I now have to work on not tuning out the hubby when I am doing my IPhone stuff.

Can I blame my memory loss on menopause? Why not? Lack of hormones can make your thoughts fuzzy, cranky and slow. I am trying to take supplements that can help with all of this. It's too soon to see if they are working..but something is better than nothing.

I think what we all need to do is take time. I rush around from thing to thing and often I don't give myself chill time. My brain must be screaming, "If you don't give me a rest Wolffie, then I am gonna force you to be still". Have you noticed when you do forget your train of thought, your kids name, where you put your keys and sunglasses... you must STOP... PAUSE and CHILL? Even if it's for a split second..we have to give our minds a break so we can regroup and remember what the heck we forgot.

Moral of the Story: Ummmmm, I forgot what I was talking about. Kidding!! In order to chill we have to be still.

Why Listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I have found that if I don't make lists of things that must get done for the next day before I put my head on my pillow....then....PING...my eyes bolt open at 2:00 in the morning and many thoughts start to rapidly enter my brain. This screws me up for a peaceful blissful sleep. Sleep eludes me and I start to have a volleyball conversation with myself. "Don't think" "You have to make a hair appointment for the boys". Don't think". "You have to make sure it's on a Tuesday". "DON"T THINK". "You have to do it soon because they can't see:" All the while I am tossing and turning. "Breathe..Meditate..DO SOMETHING TO RELAX". It's not working!! I start to get annoyed. I get out of my ever so comfy bed and go to the bathroom. I plop back into bed and try to calm my mind down. It's not working. I turn on the Tellie so the noise can get in the way of my thoughts. It works but I the noise wakes up the hubby from his snoring slumber. I usually fall asleep by 5:30 and then in a blink of an eye it's time to get up and start my day. Bummer. The thought occurred to me after a few years of interrupted bliss that I should keep paper and pen by my nightstand to write all of the rumblings that go on in my head. Great idea, right? Now I just have to remember to do it!!!

Day Ninety-Six..Why Do They Think That?

Hi.

I was with my running pal Pamela today. We were having lunch today instead of our normal running date because my knee is taking way longer than I think it should take to heal. My mind is ready to run, my flab is begging for me to run ...but the damn knee is still hurting. Heavy sigh. We were talking about how people perceive us and how we perceive ourselves. Often times I get that when people first meet me..they are intimidated by me. I can't believe this!!!I feel I am kind, outgoing and friendly...sometimes to a fault. Why would anyone feel this? She started to examine me one by one. I am a fixture in my town..I don't believe it's because I am "all that". I grew up nearby and even though I left for a bit..I have been back for 18 years. A lot of people that I grew up with live here as well..so they remember me. I have four kids and between their school and sports stuff..I have met a lot of people.So it's not like I want to win popular gal of the year.Then she started to say that I dress a bit funky. True. Why would that turn somebody off and feel intimidated? I can't change my taste level and I certainly am not over the top funky...so why? I guess I could see that when you walk into a room and people know you...then maybe someone might feel like I am a social butterfly who flits about from group to group. That could be farther from the truth. I tend to be shy in crowds..they make me...uncomfortable. I am not a chit chat kind of gal..I like to have deep conversations. I am a total bore at parties because I don't know do small talk well. I tend to space out and yawn..I think it's because I have to much extra oxygen in my brain because I do a lot of breathing in and out until I think of something to say. I don't think that's intimidating..it can come off as rude. I don't mean to be. I would rather talk about saving the world, someones life's goals than talk abut a new recipe or did you hear about so and so. I like to know what makes someone tick. Is that so wrong? I will try to work on my intimidation thing and look deep inside and see how I can give off more love. Maybe I don't have to..maybe it's their issues. That would make my life easier. Who wants one more thing to change? How are you peceived?

Why listen to Wolffie. Because I get it. I have talked a bit about my peeing when I run. I was reading my I can't wait to get it each week, People Magazine..... and there it was in print...a name for my peeing when I run!! Hallelujah. I am not alone!! I have LBL otherwise known as Light Bladder Leakage. The add states that 1 out of 3 women experience LBL. Who knew? I have joked about wearing depends when I run. Too bulky. Well they now have Poise Liners. I must tell you that I feel so good that I am not alone in my LBL syndrome. If you have LBL and didn't want to admit it to yourelf or anyone else...feel no shame. We are 1 in 3!!!! You can go to 1IN3LIKEME.COM and get your free sample. I am gonna. I will keep you posted about the liners when I can actually run.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Ninety-Five...Sucker For Romance

Hi.

Valentines Day is here and I am a sucker for romance. The stores have pink and red merchandise in the windows and people are dressed in their festive wear. I think the Hallmark part of the holiday started the day after Christmas. I didn't really pay attention to it until a week ago. I feel blessed to have 5 valentines..the hubby and my 4 kids. I got into the spirit today...I took out my heart necklace and I am wearing a red down vest and bright red lipstick. I am feeling the love.

I grew up with my mom getting us small tokens of love and preparing us a yummy dinner. Sometimes it was candy. Sometimes it was make-up. She still gets me a gift. For the past couple of years my mom has given us a gift card to various fancy restaurants so the hubby and I can have a romantic "date night". THe tradtion lives on in my home.I always buy my kids heart boxers (for the guys), cute heart undies for my girl and some type of candy. I know my kids like the candy the best because I usually have only healthy stuff in the house. The hubby and I buy trinkets and I am so excited to give him his gift!!! I take out my heart shaped pan and make quiche. I throw heart candy all over the table, set the table with red and white dishes and we light candles to set the mood of "love" in the air.. It's super festive and I love doing it. This year, College Studette is away at college (but is visiting her boyfriend this weekend), and my youngest is invited to watch the NBA Dunk Contest. I can feel the pains of him getting older because a year ago he would have wanted to hang with us. What's a mom to do?!? Of course I am letting him go and I am going to make lunch instead of dinner. Traditions can change a bit. It feels a bit unsettling..but I have to go with the flow.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I am a super chick flick gal. Last week I saw "Dear John" with my girlfriend in the middle of the day while by guys were at school. I love doing that. There's nothing like a day movie where I can laugh and cry. The movie was predictable..but I LOVED IT. First of all, it was worth the ticket seeing Channing Tatum. He is a hunk...and I loved the way he loved Amanda Seyfried. That's why I love chick flicks. It warms my heart to see love. Call me old fashioned...but at the end of the day when I go to sleep..I know I am blessed to be loved..I am blessed to be able to love. I have grown up enough to know that life's love is not like in the movies.....so it's nice to escape. I know why they don't add the burping farting, and the bickering in a chick flick. IT'S TOO REAL!! Chick flick enthusiasts want to ESCAPE. When I leave my Chick flick and drive home , I am wearing rose colored glasses. I feel loved and my heart feels so full it might explode. I open the door, walk in, wash my face, put on my flannel jammies (how sexy) and watch TV with the hubby and the boys. I often raise my voice for them to dial down their boy humor and loudness so I can watch the program....(as I am thinking why I have to have this same conversation every night). In their own teenage and 50+ boys minds...they do love me. They don't want to annoy me. They just don't get it. They don't read the scrip notes!!! Oh..gotta run and make my air popcorn and stuff some tissues in my pocketbook. I am gently forcing the hubby to see "Valentines Day" on opening night!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day NInety-four..Can You Put A Price Tag On A Life?

Hi.

Can you put a price tag on some one's life? My daddy died a little over three years ago. He was a pedestrian and was hit by a car. He died on the scene. Needless to say..it was a shock. It still is a shock. We have been in a law suit and I just got a settlement check in the mail about 10 minutes ago. There it is...a piece of paper with my name on it and a dollar amount typed on the amount line. Weird. We are going to open a fund that will help kids with their education in the school district where my dad mentored kids in reading. We are still in the fine tuning stages of exactly how we are going to distribute the fund. I am at a loss for words and emotion at this time..because although my daddy's picture is on my desk where I write and he is certainly in my heart 24/7..this settlement check puts a close on his last day on earth. So, I will gather my thoughts later I am sure..but the question that keeps looming over me as I write this is...Can you put a price tag on some one's life. If we settled for a billion dollars..would that make this nightmare tolerable? No way. I think what heals the wounds in my heart is time...money never can...so I am at peace (to a point) in the notion that we will be helping others. That was so important to my dad. As my families wounds heal, others will prosper. With his life ending...an other's life blossoms.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. Yesterday I spoke about the Goddess in me and I never posed the question...have you found the Goddess in you? I look around at my friends and I see that we are all trying to figure out the next phase of our lives. I watch as they seek to find their truths and I marvel at what these women are doing. They are not all BIG changes...some are subtle..but they are real and pure and it is so exciting. So, I pose to you this question...are you true to who you want to be? Do you feel the Goddess in you is out and about or is it still hiding behind a i don't have time to listen to my needs. What I have come to understand through watching my peers is...it doesn't have to be all or nothing..sometimes it takes just 5 minutes a day to pause and drink a hot cup of tea. I want to thank all the women who have touched me either by being my mom, sister, friend or blogger. YOU make it easier for me to reach my highs and accept my lows. May we all be true to our Goddesses.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day Ninety-Three..The Goddess In Me

Hi.

When I went to the doctor the other day for my lifestyle overhaul, she said some things that have stuck with me. I will paraphrase..but this is the essence of what she said: "You are the matriarch..this is where your power is. What does it look like? This is the time for you to get in touch with your Earth Mother/Goddess. After we deal with the physical and emotional (2 steps) then you are going to be a Frickin Goddess when you're done. You can create this, imagine it..meditate on it"

Wow..does that sound totally incredible? I was so pumped when I left. I am going to be a Goddess. This is good. This feels right.

Here I am a few days later and.....and I don't feel like a Goddess. How do I get to be one? I know it means work.. What does a Goddess look like to me?

Goddess=beauty.
Goddess=serenity
Goddess=long curly hair.
Goddess=curvy sexy body
Goddess=purity
Goddess=creativity
Goddess=truth
Goddess=faith
Goddess=love

That's a tall order. My hair is straight and above my shoulders. My body is curvy...not sure about the sexy. I don't feel pure...but I do have faith. I feel creative but not all the time. I am truthful and loving. Is this whole concept a crock of sh*t?

I have faith that somewhere inside of me Goddess Wolffie is looming. How do I tap into that part of me? Maybe it starts with belief. So, do I just "believe" and POOF..I am a Goddess? Can I be like a character in a Disney movie and it just "happens" after some unsettling event in my life? I have had some huge unsettling events..but I ain't no Goddess. Baby steps. I want it NOW. I know it doesn't work that way. I am capable of reaching whatever my soul desires. I just can't get sidetracked. It's so easy to make a phone call, do something for my family, meet a friend for coffee or lunch rather than do something for me that will create a shift and will let Goddess Wolffie emerge. I have started to meditate again. It's hard to quiet my ever so busy mind. I think about all the crap I have to do. I keep saying to myself go to your special place...go to your special place. I got there today in my mind. Progress not perfection. it felt good...it felt safe. I know I will get to the next step. When my mind is quiet..then the images of what I need to do will come. I am a Goddess..hear me roar!!!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I totally believed that Prince Charming would sweep me off my feet and life would be happily ever after. When the hubby asked me to marry him, I was ecstatic and I knew that my life would be all that I had dreamed about. So, here I am 22 years later and I still feel like the hubby is my prince charming...but my feet are planted firmly on the ground. We have had up and downs..they don't talk about that in fairy tales. I am sitting here feeling "the love" for my life and I hear a "SHUT UP..YOUR SO STUPID" coming from Soccer Stud One to his bro's Soccer Stud Two and Running Stud. Nice. This wasn't supposed to happen. My kids were supposed to love and respect each other unconditionally. Now Running Stud is singing in his high pitched voice that sends chills up my spine and a few more SHUT UPS come from the peanut gallery (his bro's). The hubby is driving up to our house and will inquire about dinner. I'm gonna say with a "happy tone","Scrambled eggs and pancakes". I know he won't be overjoyed but I didn't go to the market today. In my fairytale mind, I never thought about arguing with the hubby and kids, having to downsize, getting cancer, losing parents, having my College Studette living in another state all while going through menopause. Who ever thought to go to those places in their fantasies? NOT ME!! As Valentine's Day is approaching, I have to ask myself..is this better than what I imagined my life would be? Yes. I wouldn't want to go through my life without my crew. The hubby and my kids complete me. They have helped me dig deep and evolve into who I am today. Maybe I am a Goddess after all. I just have to change my definition. Okay maybe I have to work a bit more so I can roar!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie