Day One Hundred andThree...Words Are Coming Back

Hi.

It's been a bit since I have sat down to blog. I wanted to, but I didn't have anything to write about that spoke to me..you know from the soul on out. It wasn't like I wasn't writing, I was concentrating on projects that I had been formally procrastinating about. Now, this is a topic that I could write about forever....PROCRASTINATION. I do it all the time. I pretend to myself that I don't. I have valid reasons why I let my gas tank go to fumes before I fill up the tank.....I just don't have the time to fill it up. I am running, running, running. I never seem to have a minute. I meet a friend for coffee, go to physical therapy for my still not fixed knee, I go to Target to get "stuff", I go to meet the girls for lunch. Who has time to write a blog, novel, play or get gas? This is just my morning...I am "on the go mom" in the afternoon taking my kids to their various appointments and sporting practices, games and meets. There isn't a minute in the day to even pee (maybe that's why I need to wear depends). If truth be told, I kinda like to see how far I can go on a tank. There have been times where my tank is bone dry..but I made it to the station. It's kind of like Russian Roulette. Will I be stranded or will I make it.

Okay enough of that...I procrastinate about what to make for dinner with the hopes that the hubby will make it. He is a great cook. I am too but I am always tired from my busy day of running. I am like a hamster on a wheel: I don't stop until I have my frozen yogurt and watch my shows that I have recorded on DVR. I don't often take into consideration that the hubby works his ass off trying to bring home the bacon. I think I will have to start making dinner more often. I will start tomorrow!

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I ran home today after my lunch with one of my best-est gal pals who is also my life coach. We were supposed to have a coaching session today, but the restaurant was way too noisy, so we changed our hats from coach and coachee to gal pals. I was having a birthday breakfast earlier today for my friend Barbara and she pulled out a new pair of sunglasses that were DIVINE. I tried them on and if I can be bold to say that I looked ever so movie star chic. That feeling of " I NEED THESE SUNGLASSES" came over me. I get this pull that lets me know that the obsession radar has been activated.. I am trying to figure out in my oh so clever brain how I can get these sunglasses....IMMEDIATELY!! They carry them art Nordies, so I was gonna go for " a visit" after my lunch. As gal pal and I were saying our goodbyes, I realized that my Chanel obsession is back...full force!!! I had to come write this blog so I could tell my ever so fab readers that I have a new Chanel to visit. I will keep you posted. In case the hubby or my beautiful darling daughter is reading this...Mother's Day is around the corner. What a nice way to say I love you with a card, a great meal and a Chanel!!!!

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred and One...Just Want To Get Away?

I think I need to get away. I need to be far far away. The problem is that I want to leave myself behind. Is it possible to go away on a vacay and leave my mind and body at home? An acid trip is not an option. Either is drinking myself to oblivion. I can't eat a dozen or so girl scout cookies and get a major sugar rush. What's a girl supposed to do when she can't run or hide from herself?

I am annoyed. My knee is still bugging me. It's been since January and I still feel like sh*t. I went to a surgeon and I have to have microscopic surgery. Not happy about that. This slip and fall has become an annoying daily hindrance. I am getting fat by the second. I don't feel like I am overeating. My clothes are fitting a bit snugger and my face looks like a chipmunk. At least that is how I feel when I look in the mirror. Do you remember that commercial about Rolaids? They said something like I have INDEGESSSSSSSSSSTion. That's how I feel about by face and body...BiiiiiiiiiiiG and BloooooooooatY. I know feelings aren't facts, but does it really matter when you are in the thick of a yuck feeling?

My kids are ANNOYING. They are the Bickering Kings these days. I am not sure if it is more than usual, but let me tell you it feels like it. Do they really have to have a contest as to who takes their plate to the sink first? C'mon, Bickering Kings, give your mama a break!!!! I guess it means something to them. ANNOYING!!! Can't they have a contest on whose bed gets made first OR whose brushes their teeth first OR who is the nicest to their uuber sensitive mama?

I guess the point here is that I am in a funk and I can't seem to get out of it. I am bored. I am tired because I haven't slept well in months. I want to be able to exercise and feel no pain. I try to meditate but can't seem to relax. I have to say that if I were my family I would send me away or be EXTRA NICE. I must have a talk with them...the extra nice to your mommy chat. I hope it goes over well.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When I was going through "the change" it wasn't very pleasant in my home. I was doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I tried to be okay. I really did. Sometimes this overwhelming sense of ROAR would come over me. I would yell about anything and I couldn't stop it. One day on of my ever so cute young boys said to me: "Mommy, I think you need to go away so you can come back and be nice". REALITY!!! Those words hit me like a tongue of bricks. It hurt. It was true , I needed to go away and come back and be nice. I couldn't though because that's not how life works when you are a mommy. I did the next best thing...I went on hormones. It worked. I came back and I was nice. Not all the time of course, but I didn't fly off the handle as much. Today, because my breast cancer was estrogen positive..it's time for me to say goodbye to hormones and try to take things that won't make cancer cells want to come back. I am doing it gradually under the care of a wonderful doctor but....I have the ROAR back. I don't like it. I know I have to get through it..buts it's hard. Who wants to be "oh no my mama's gonna ROAR at the drop of a hat" mom? I have to take actions so I can feel better. I have to clear my head. Just by putting my feelings in this blog today, I already have some relief. I am gonna go close my eyes and meditate after I finish this entry. If I can't settle in...then I have to meditate until I do. The outcome is calm. I know my insides will love me. I know the hubby will be happy. The kids will probably want to throw a partaaay!!!!

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Day One Hundred....It's Been Along Time Coming

Hi.

They say when you do something that you love even though you haven't done it for awhile..it's like riding a bike..you get on the seat..and start peddling away. Time nor distance from "whatever" it is you have not done just comes back naturally. Well...it has been almost a month since I have written....ANYTHING. I have started to many times...but...I.....just.....didn't. Can I give a million in one excuses as to why I didn't take the time to do what I love to do? Of course I can!!! Why should I yammer about my being a lazy, fearful, bump on the log? Who will that serve? My inner yucky voice that gets in the way of my happiness and contentment? Oh no, I will not give in to that voice!!!

Today I had my first session with a life coach. It was FABULOUS!!!!! How bad can an hour be when you have someone listening to your every word and your talking about yourself?!? All kidding aside, it felt extremely therapeutic and freeing to expose myself, my fears, my wants, my needs and whatever I was babbling about got a nod, a sigh, a smile, a question, and some answers too. So, the jist of me is...I need to allow me to be me. Now isn't that cliche and corny....but oh so true? I have to wear many hats in the day: wife, mom. daughter, sister, friend, a listener, a PTA board member, a cancer survivor...and yes a writer. Do you see where the writer is on my list? Last. Why? Writing is what makes me happy, creative, content, and fulfilled. Then...why last?!? Before today, I would have said that I have more important commitments to achieve in my day. BULLSH*T. I didn't allow myself to feel empowered to write. I thought that in order to be a good "whatever" I had to set my writing aside. I'll get to it later. When the kids are grown, I can write freely and more often. WAW WAW WAW WAW. Excuses..that's what I do. I allow myself to get off the hook and hide behind my excuses..i.e. FEAR. If I want to be a good..."whatever"..then I MUST write. This will clear away resentment and I will feel content..balanced and true to myself. Oh the games I play.

On day one of my blogging experience, I gave myself "the job" to blog everyday. I set myself up to fail. When I put high demands on myself I want to rebel. So guess what..I rebelled. I stopped writing. Who suffered? You the reader of my oh so fabulous words or me the writer? MEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Today, I am giving myself permission to write when I can..I hope it's often..it sure makes me feel productive and creative and sane. We'll see. My desire to create doesn't have to be all or nothing...black or white. It can be open to what I can achieve in a given day..no strings.....with a bit of grey in it. Oh I feel calmer already.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. When my daughter was a baby, I swore that she would NEVER eat Mc Donald's. She was going to only eat organic healthy foods, even down to her "treats" They were only fruit juice sweetened, whole grain treats. Now that's all good and dandy and I try to have myself and my brood eat healthy almost twenty years later. But is this an obtainable goal and live in LA where there is temptation everywhere?!? The first time I "caved in" and let her eat Mc Donald's french fries, I felt sick to my stomach. How could I do this to my child? How could I let her eat crap? Let me tell you, she LOVED those french fries. I love Mc Donald's french fries. Did I go to Mc Donald's every day and let her eat a burger, fries and a shake? No. The key was and is moderation and balance. Fast forward to today. Do I let my kids eat cake for breakfast...sometimes. Do we have pancakes for dinner? Sometimes. Do I throw in brown rice and veggies in the mix. You bet. My kids have a love of wholesome food AND crap. Would they pick the crap over the healthy stuff? Probably...but they have an understanding of balance and they do eat their fair share of sugar and carbs and even though it kills them to admit it..they love my healthy treats and meals too. Balance works in parenting...so now I have to balance me. Hmmmmmm.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie