Sunday, November 27, 2011

Day One Hundred and Twenty-Nine...It Still Stings

Hi. Today is November 27, 2011. It seemingly feels like it's going to be a beautiful day in Southern California. It is the end of a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. We had family come from high and low. We had fabulous food, laughter and even Black Friday was a success. On the 23rd was my 11th anniversary of my breast cancer. This is all so wonderful and yet my heart is sad today because my daddy is not here and it is his birthday.

I can't believe that this December will mark the 5th year of my dad's passing. The sting is still with me. When I think of the accident, my heart still stops and I can't catch my breath. It's not something I talk about because....shit... it's been 5 years. Shouldn't I be over the shock by now? Shouldn't I be able to have a day go by and not think of how I would like to tell my daddy about my day? Shouldn't I be able to not always look for butterflies to see if my daddy still hovers over me and my brood? Shouldn't I be able to just move on? Who set up the Shouldn't list anyways?!?

I don't want to give you the impression that I live my life in constant gloom. doom and grief. I do not. I have so much joy and laughter sprinkled with a bit of craziness due to teenage testosterone, being a PFC President (which my dad would be laughing at cause I am not usually the Big Kahuna!) and the constant events that come at you because you are living your life. I do see the world with rose colored glasses most days....BUT losing my dad so suddenly has really changed me. I wasn't ready. None of my family was. I had a lot more life to share with him. We were in a groove. I was a daughter, a friend and confidant. I loved where we were. I miss where were going.

In honor of you, I write this with sadness and love. I write this with the hope that my kids will one day see me as their friend. It takes time and cultivation. I look forward to it. I welcome it. So for now, I will try to be the best mom I can be. I know that I have my work cut out for me because kids have to live their lives and that comes with the need and desire to f*ck with their parents. I know that my kids are smart and they think I don't know ANYTHING about ANYTHING!!!! I have to learn not to explode, smile and shut my pretty mouth and keep silent because boy did I think my shit didn't stink and my parents shit did. I thought that they knew NOTHING about the angst of my teenage and early 20's. How could they?!? They were so OLD. I don't know how it happened and why it happened, but one day I looked at my dad and I saw his wisdom. I understood his sense of humor. I accepted him...flaws included. We understood each other. It took time, work, forgiveness, love, humor and honesty. We got there and I miss it.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I was 20 years old and I was not in a great way. I had just took a leave of absence from college (okay I quit), was living at home and feeling like my life was OVER. I didn't know what I wanted to pursue for a career path, I didn't have a boyfriend (he dumped me), and my friends were all over the country going to college, getting married and living what seemed like a happy go lucky life. I felt so alone. My dad was having a work crisis as well. He was at a crossroads. We spent many an hour talking about the choices we had. Me just starting out in the adult world and him wanting to wind down. "If you could be anything in the world...what you you be?" I chose a writer and he chose a philosopher living in a shack at the beach. We both encouraged each other to go for it. He didn't and neither did I. Fear for me and obligations for him. That day was a life changer for me. I took him off the pedestal that I placed him on and he sat right next to me until the day he died.

Moral of the story: We are only as human as we allow ourselves and others to be.

Can you relate? More will be revealed.

Signing off until we meet again. please come back for more.

in Love and Peace,