Hi. My heart feels like it going to explode out of my chest. The clock is about to turn 12:00 am and I can't sleep. Pray tell, what going on? What's not going on? I have so much on my mind. Where do I start? Serious or humor?!? Hmmmm. Lets start with humor and see where it takes me.
My body is moving down. Gravity is not holding up my boobs. Well if I am honest...only one is drooping. Thanks to breast cancer, I have one perky radiated boob!!! Now, I had my mammogram last week and all was good. On November 23, I will be officially 10 years cancer free. Yippee!!! You would think I would be happy and don't get me wrong, I am ELATED...but I have feelings. My head is spinning. I think about my friends who lost the fight and I can't help but feel..guilt. I really need Cher right now. I need her to be her character in Moonstruck. I need a slap in the face and her telling me to "Snap outta of it"! Where is she?!?
Now back to my gravity issues. Along with my not so perky boob..I have the I am almost turning fifty in December body. And this is not the most uplifting thing. My love handles have turned into i am five months prego but is impossible stomach. Thanks to menopause,that is. All I can ask myself is.....WHY? OK, so maybe my portions have gotten a bit LARGE. Maybe since my knee injury, my exercise is almost nil. I just don't think it is fair that with age comes...plump. Why can't I eat like I did when I was younger and not gain weight? Why does gravity have to play a role in my life? Why? Why? Why am I whining? Answer? Because I want to!!! . I just feel so overwhelmed that all I want to do is...NOTHING.
Is there anybody out there in blog land who understands me? I feel so lost. I feel foreign to myself. I certainly don't feel funny. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel anything but....YUCKY.
The first step in anything is admitting. So, I hereby declare that I am feeling like a worn out, used up, middle aged momma. There. I said it. Now, I have to own it and change it. I do know that life begins at fifty. That's what they say in all the magazines and talk shows. Fifty is the new thirty. Huh? Really? When I was thirty I had perky boobs..a flat tummy...and I slept. I didn't have hot flashes. I didn't have cancer (I don't now..just the emotional aftermath of it)..I was care free. So, how is it that I can feel thirty again?
Okay...whining time is over. I have to shake this off and move on. I am going to get up tomorrow and buy a push up bra. I am going to get new thong undies that are cute and make me appear and hopefully feel sexy. I am going to eat healthy. I am meeting my running pal at 8:30. I am starting to run again after my injury in January. I am going to honor my tummy. I am going to honor my feeling lost and I am going to find my way back....to me.
Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. In the craziness of my gloom, I have felt light and sunshine and laughter. I have to thank the hubby and our kids for that. So, we have a new show that we watch together. It's called "The Middle". What I love most about it is the dysfunction!! It shows the flaws that families have. It pokes fun at family life with humor and I feel like I am NORMAL!!! Now that in itself makes me give the show an A+. My teenage studs, all three of them, gather on our bed and we watch this show and laugh our heads off. I make them rewind parts of each episode so I can laugh my head off. I feel so free. One could think..."How rude Wolffie. You are laughing at dysfunction" If truth be told..I am laughing about me. Cause when one laugh at others, aren't we really laughing at ourselves?
Can you relate? More will be revealed.
Signing off until we meet again. Please come back for more.
In Love and Peace,