Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Day Ninety-Nine....How Can I Help?

Hi.

I think I got the point across in yesterday's blog that I am out of sorts. I didn't want to initially speak about my changing of the guards so to speak from hormone cremes to other alternative methods because I didn't want to be writing from my pitty pot. There is so much more going on in the world than Wolffie's mood swings. We have Chile and Haiti in disastrous living conditions and I am complaining about my hormone imbalance and loud boys?!? This is not to say that I can't succumb to my feelings of....whatever they are cuz they are rapidly changing in the course of my day. I just want them to be put into perspective. I am alive, healthy and I have a home, a bed, food and 3 testosterone boys and a hubby who acts like a boy all safe and sound. My girl is off on a college path that is great...so...............what can I do for those who are not feeling the same safety as me? We gave to the Haiti relief fund..which felt good...but is that enough? I have contacted my two friends in Chile through Facebook. One contacted me that her family is all safe. Her daughter is supposed to marry this coming Saturday. I remember when September 11 happened. It was my last chemo and I cried like a baby..some out of relief that the chemo was over and some out of guilt that I was sitting in a chair in Santa Monica, California while others were dying, looking for loved ones and living in a state of total terror and disbelief. I imagine that my friend, her daughter (who is to marry) and her family must be having similar thoughts. How can I feel elation with so much death and disarray around me? I had to come to the place of acceptance. I was given the gift of life (through chemo) and I had to embrace it...and live my life without guilt. I was given this gift and who was I to throw it away? Happiness is a blessing. I can help those who are in need and this my way of thanking the universe. There is always time in my day to reach out..listen..give a hug..or just be there in silence. I sometimes forget this, which is selfish, and not how I want to live my life. I am not saintly (ask my family!!). I fall off the positive trail from time to time...but I am happy to admit my faults and hop back on. I think I am going to call my friend in Chile and see what I can do from safety here in California.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. My kids are into having Nerf gun wars. There's constant screaming, falling for cover and many times I get a Nerf bullet hitting some form of my body. I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME AT ALL!!!! In the spirit of trying not to control my universe and therefore my kids universe, I am keeping my mouth shut 98% of the time while they play play play the day away. I will tell you though that this game is my secret weapon..so in some ways maybe I am the controller. Taking the computer away or the cell phone has little emotion evoking out of my boys when they have done something that is oh so.....not cool. I now have the Nerf guns to take away!!! You should see their faces. It is kind of priceless. Imagine 6 puppy dog eyes looking back at you with the how can you do this to us look. The air around the house is calmer (when they aren't playing the damn game of course). Sigh. I have to have something in my pocket to keep the house civil...don't I?!?

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Day NInety-Eight..You Can Run But You Cannot Hide

I didn't realize that I have not posted in so many days. I fell off the creative band wagon and I am forcing myself (gently) to write today. I feel a bit stumped. What can I babble about? I could go on and on about my kids, but I think I will give them a break from my banter. I could go on and on about how I feel like I am crawling out of my skin because I am coming off of my hormones..but then this would be a bitch session and I want to try and stay positive through this weaning process. I will say that the end will be worth it, at least I hope so, because this is not feeling so good. I want to try and be balanced without the hormones cremes, but all I can say is if you come in my path please be gentle or WATCH OUT cuz the bitch monster is alive and wants to pounce. Okay the only thing that is circling in my brain right now is the balance issue. I want to cry..over nothing. I want pounce..over nothing. I want to crawl out of my skin..over everything..good or bad. I want to run away..but there is no where to run..cause I WILL BE THERE!!!! So what can I do?!? Live through it and be as sane as possible. This will be a tall order..but I am gonna try. The doctor wants me to meditate..so that's what I am doing. She wants me to get acupuncture ..I would love to but it is so expensive. Maybe I can compromise and do it twice a month. I can't wait until my knee is better so I can run through this. Running takes away so much of the crap for me..it seems to dissipate my feelings of yuck with each step I run. Thar's all for now..it feels good to blog..and be present in my life.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. So today I was awakened from my not so great night of slumber with my husband talking LOUDLY on the phone at 6:30 in the am!!!! Business on the East Coast. My man has to bring in the bacon..so I kept my mouth shut. My boys woke up and they were LOUDER than the hubby. Why is that boys can wake up and have energy, banter and bicker before they even pee? I don't get it. Probably never will. I could feel my blood boiling over rather quickly. Should I yell? Should I ask them politely to shut the f*ck up (obviously in better language!!)? What's a mother who is hormonally challenged to do?!? I put the sheets over my head...and began to meditate..just like the doctor ordered!!!! It worked. I became a bit saner. I tweeted about the loudness..got a funny Facebook exchange from my daughter and the day began on a good note. Calgon take me way.....fast.

Can you relate? More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,

Wolffie