Thursday, February 4, 2010

Day Ninety...I Am Standing In My Way


It has been 2 1/2 weeks since I fell and hurt my knee. I am getting better thanks to a cortisone shot, but I haven't been able to exercise. Doctors orders. I am definitely in sloth mode. It doesn't feel so good. I have many hours while the kids are in school that I have nothing to do. I have taken to driving the kids in my jammies, come home and crawl back into bed and watch the Today Show. Today I caught up on my Tivo shows. This is not a great thing for me to do. I am a bored. I feel like my endorphins are in hibernation. I have no energy. I really miss my running. I am not sure when the 'ol doc will give me the green light. I don't want to rush into it,,but I am antsy in a sloth kind of way. My heart is longing to run and my brain is lazy Wolffie. I could be doing other things to pass the six hours a day I have while the boys are in school. I could read one of the many books that I have sitting on my nightstand. I could knit or needlepoint the projects that are needing to be finished. I could start writing the novel that has been looming over me for many many years. This is the burning question I have....Why aren't I starting that novel? What is stopping me from following my dream? Could it be FEAR!!!! Maybe I have nothing to say.Will anyone want to read my words? Could it be that I lack the knowledge on how to start it? Could it be that I can't let myself let go and just write? Will I open my soul and become too vulnerable? Answers? All of the above. I am so sick in tired of my bullsh*t. Enough is enough. I can't tell you how many times I have done this dialogue in my head and to others. It's old and it's oh so BORING. I have gotten some great suggestions. Basically all I have to do is....write and the rest will follow. Sounds good to me in theory...BUT..Oh hear I go again. Yawn, Yawn.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. I try to be a good mom. I try to teach my kids that in order to succeed you have to try. To be good at something you have to work hard for it. Most things don't come to have to go toward it. To achieve you must make goals. See something through before you up and quit. Are you getting my drift? I don't follow this when it comes to my writing. Now, I know we can't be perfect. Most of us humans have flaws. Most of us humans have fears. I have pushed through many of my fears. I tend to think I am a take me as I am kind of gal. I don't have secrets. I wear my heart on my sleeve. As I am writing this I am getting this take the bull by the horns feeling over me. Who am I writing for anyways? For me? For the masses (whoever they are!!)? I have to be teachable to my own lessons...right? Sometimes it's easier to preach than it is to act. I will humbly open my heart and soul and just do it.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,


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