Monday, February 8, 2010

Day Ninety-Two...It's Okay To Change The Course


I had a doctors appointment today that I was a bit nervous about. A few months back, I met a doctor from UCLA who did not really like that I was doing bio identical hormone therapy. I had breast cancer back in 2000. My life was spiraling down pretty fast due to being slammed into menopause. So after 5 years of being cancer free, I made a decision with my oncologist that I would go on hormone replacement. I saw bright clouds and rainbows after years of feeling really doom and gloom. I knew that this was a controversial decision for me...but isn't quality of life important? Lets face it..if I didn't do something my kids were going to only know me as a: cranky how do I act around my mommy so she won't yell all the time life? Who wants to live with that? To put things into an even better prospective the hubby wasn't getting ANYTHING from me. No love, no humor, no compassion..and no passion. Who wants to be married to that? we are almost 5 years later ( from the start of hormone therapy)..and my life is so much better. Do I still yell? Sometimes. Do I still get annoyed with the hubby? Sometimes. But my is clearer and I don't feel like aliens have invaded my body. Anyways..back to the doctor I met a few months back..he wanted me to think about getting off my hormones. Are you kidding me? He casually gave me a paper with a name of a doctor on it. "Call her, I think she can help". I went into denial. I don't need help. I am doing what I can to stay sane. If I get cancer back than at least I will have lived in comfort. Would this doctor want to have his wife live in no hormone I am a lunatic land? How dare he tell me to get off my "Stuff". That's like telling an addict to get help when they are not ready. I was and am still afraid that if you take my hormones away..then I will become INSANE again. Don't really want that. So, the doctor I saw today was.. FANTASTIC. We talked a lot about diet...lots of veggies, fruits, lean protein, soy (that was a shocker) and whole grains. I pretty much eat like that...expect for my nightly treat of frozen yogurt. "Hang on to the yogurt for awhile..lets see how you feel in 6 weeks"? Yeah.... this is a doctor who UNDERSTANDS me. "Success is when you wean things out of your lifestyle. The body can be shocked in a more gentle manner than cold turkey". I liked that!! We are weaning me off the hormones too. I added a few supplements and took away some supplements. The key to this adventure for me is to work on my mind,body and spirit. Meditation, diet, acupuncture,and exercise. This all sounds so zen and yummy. I feel calm thinking about the process. I am looking forward to feeling good..hormone free...maybe I can have quality and quantity of life. When I left her, she asked if I was a hugging kind of lady or a hand shaking kind of lady. Hug Away.

Why listen to Wolffie. Because I get it. Hormoneless Wolffie is not a fun person to be around. Hormoneless Woffie was lost in the abyss. Where did she go? She was gone in the inside and was left with only a shell. My outsides looked the same..and that was it. Have you ever looked at the world with such disdain and you didn't know why? That was me!!! I had no control of my feelings. I didn't have feelings..unless they were smothered in anger and yuck. Few knew about how I was feelings because I can act. At home I could be crazy about how something was out of place and then the phone would ring and I would carry on a conversation like I didn't have a care in the world. "Oh hi..How are You? I am great.. giggle giggle ." PALEEESE. I was a fake..and it wasn't good. Honesty took over and I told my doctor I needed help. Help came back...and the world looked brighter. It's not always easy being me....but I have learned to accept me for who I about it...and try to be the best me I can be. I don't always like me..but I do always love me. Hey..isn't that the name of the game?

Can your relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,


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