Monday, October 26, 2009

Day Forty-Seven...Is It About The Why's Or is It About the How's?


Why do bad things happen to good people? This is something I have tried to figure out. I haven't come up with an answer yet. Could it be because they can handle the bad along with the good? Could it be that they their strength is an inspiration to others? I have learned that is not always about the "Why's" but more about the "How's".. (How can I get through this?)

Through some of my trial and tribulations, people have expressed that they were inspired by me? Why? Having cancer, having to downsize, losing my father, or losing dear friends really does not give me an award fort the "best handler" of loss. I lost myself to cancer, and won a new improved Wolffie. I lost a lifestyle and gained a new understanding of what is important. I lost my father and gained nothing but missing my daddy. I lost friends to cancer and gained guilt because I survived. How does this make me inspiring? I just wanted to live more than give up on the good in life.

Should I pat myself on the back and say, "Good for you, wonderful Wolffie"? No. I don't feel wonderful. I just feel blessed that people before and after me have paved the way for me to move on in life. I still feel my feelings. It's been challenging, but I think of my hero's and it gives me courage.

Watching people I love live in pain is hard on my heart and soul. I want to fix them. I want to take their pain away. Help them move on.

My wants are not always the realities of life. My dear friend is hurting. We are like soul mates. Her strength and wisdom astound me. Could I ever be as graceful while in the throws of a chronic disease? Part of me thinks yes (from past experiences) and part of me thinks no.

What I do know is that I want to be her pillar when she needs to have someone to hold onto. I want to be helpful to her, not helpless. I can't fix her pain but I can honor her and listen when she needs to be heard. Half the battle of going through any crisis is knowing that someone is listening. I like to bring her laughter even if it is not always the best time. For a moment I see a glimmer of a smile and know that for a second she can see light in the midst of darkness. I will forever be her comedian.

Why listen to Wolffie? Because I get it. While waiting for my friend to be done with a doctors appointment, I decided to go to get a cup of Joe. I wandered around the center for a bit, strolling in and out of the stores and not having the urge to buy anything. That in itself is a miracle. I walked by this restaurant, and this overwhelming sense of missing my dad came over me. I didn't really understand it for a minute and then I recalled how much my dad and mom loved this restaurant. I started to cry right then and there. Couldn't stop. It felt okay made me feel raw and it opened up my heart to the feelings of what my friend is going through. So, when good things happen to bad people, I can't buy that concept. I think it's more like shitty things happen so we can open ourselves up to people who might need us in the future. One should never feel alone in their pain. I was able to cry with my friend today, laugh with my friend today, hug my friend today..because I could feel today. I thank all of you who have been there for me, so I could be there for my sweet friend

Mantra for today: Feel it, embrace it and just be.

Can you relate?

More will be revealed. Please come back for more.

Signing off until we meet again.

In Love and Peace,


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